Posts Tagged ‘Stepmotherhood’
I found this article online and I thought it was very interesting. Although I don’t live with D. anymore and I’m not technically a stepmother, I often reflect on my experience and wonder what I did wrong… this kind of cheered me up
The book also seems very interesting and I will look it up.
We’ve all heard the stereotypes: the wicked stepmother, the home wrecker, the stepmother who doesn’t care about bonding with her stepchildren. It turns out that this could not be farther from the truth. As a psychotherapist and stepmother, I know from both personal and professional experience just how difficult stepmotherhood can be. I counsel stepmothers individually, lead monthly support groups for stepmothers and facilitate an online stepmother support group. Without exception, instead of being uncaring and indifferent, all of the stepmothers I’ve worked with have been highly accomplished, lovely, intelligent, and attractive women who embraced the role of stepmother with enthusiasm when they got married. They all had the best intentions to bond with their stepchildren, and to create a loving new family. These stepmothers held onto the hope that the family would “blend” over time and applied the same can-do attitude they took to their jobs and other personal pursuits to their new role. They followed the belief that their behaviors make a difference in the life they lead; if they work hard, they will succeed, perhaps not immediately, but over time.
Their hard work, however, did not yield the desired result. Among a host of problems, some of them failed to bond with their stepchildren, while others could not hold a civil conversation with their husbands about their stepchildren without it deteriorating into a fight. After years of feeling in control of their lives, they now felt an absence of control. And when they expressed their needs and opinions to their husbands and other stepfamily members, many didn’t feel they received the recognition and support they truly needed. Over time, the stress and frustration became too much, and they grew depressed, anxious, and exhausted.
The good news is that there is hope: it is possible to be a happy stepmother. First, stepmothers need to understand that their struggle is not their fault — they have done nothing wrong. Their failures are not a result of any mistakes they have made but are related to the many challenges inherent in the role of stepmother. Part of the process of feeling better is learning the reality about stepfamilies and the variety of challenges that stepfamilies face. For instance, only 20% of stepchildren feel close to their stepmothers. That means 80% of stepmothers struggle to bond with their stepchildren — a staggering majority! Understanding this reality helps stepmothers realize that their problems are common to many other stepmothers. This information is a huge relief for them and helps them to reframe their struggles more objectively, enabling them to let go of feelings of blame and guilt.
Second, stepmothers need to figure out what they can control, what they can’t, and to take actions in the areas where they do have some control. This idea is very similar to the Serenity Prayer used in 10 steps programs. Recognizing what they can control helps restore their mind-set that their behaviors make a difference in their lives. For instance, stepmothers may not be able to control the visitation schedule, but they can control their responsibilities — what they choose to take on and choose for their husband, the biological parent, to handle — when the stepchildren are over. When stepmothers start doing things that they enjoy — make a conscious choice to see friends, take classes or play a sport — they start to feel better. One positive action can make a huge difference in restoring the belief that actions, in fact, do impact one’s overall happiness. The key to happiness is to remember we can keep growing and taking responsible for our own behavior. This reminder really helps stepmothers.
I also encourage stepmothers to reach out to other stepmothers for support and encouragement. According to positive psychology, the single greatest predictor of success during a challenging time isn’t intelligence or past experience but social support. Getting stepmothers to recognize that they are not alone in their struggles is very comforting, and moreover provides them with a tremendous network of wise and experienced women who understand exactly what they are going through. Through social support, stepmothers provide each other with invaluable sympathy, recognition, advice and encouragement.
There may not be anything we can do about the prevailing stereotypes, but there is help available to empower real stepmothers, facing very real problems.
© 2010 Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., LMFT, author of The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself and Thrive in Your New Family
Rachelle Katz, Ed.D, LMFT, writes from a place of both personal experience — she’s been a stepmother for nineteen years — and professional expertise. A psychotherapist with twenty-five years of experience in private practice, since 2004 she has empowered thousands of women through her Web site, www.stepsforstepmothers.com.
I was not sure about this move. I knew that for myself I needed to do it. But I was certain that it would mean the end of me and D. I am pleasantly surprised. D. and his son came over for supper last night. This is our second get-together since I moved out and once again, it went great. Everyone was relaxed, happy to see each other. His son kept saying how good my supper was and the kids had a blast playing together.
My relationship with D. has changed completely as well. We are a lot less tense. We are a lot more focused on the two of us. I feel as though we are falling in love with each other again. I was especially surprised to find that our conversations have changed dramatically. Before, it used to be 95% talk about the stepfamily, the kids and the ex. Now it was quite the contrary. We talked about our kids but sharing info and supporting each other, not criticizing or anything! The ex does not come up in our conversation at all. We talked about work, plans for the future, plans for our summer, things we like etc. REAL CONVERSATION.
We are spending the weekend together and I can’t wait. This was a really good move I believe!
I have just finished reading this entry and this part really got to me:
3. I am better off not knowing everything. Before this challenge, I would listen to my stepdaughter tell me all about her phone conversations with her mom. Then I would get so worked up when I heard all the lame excuses why she hadn’t called for six months or made promises that I knew she wouldn’t keep. I would see my stepdaughter get off the phone and dance around the house in complete “joy” while I knew what was around the corner – more rejection when the promises were unmet. I would start visualizing what that meant for me.
Now, I choose not to listen to the recap. I don’t want to know what was talked about and I feel 110% better on days when she does call. I put myself on a need to know basis and I love it.
This can be applied in an ex-wife situation. You can let your husband know you don’t need the details, just the info regarding dates and times for visitation schedules, etc…. This will blow his mind and make him eternally grateful. Men typically aren’t into details plus they don’t like to deliver information to their wives that they know can be potentially explosive!
read more at: http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/not-taking-things-personally-lessons-learned-from-the-40-day-challenge/
I have decided to apply this in my life now. I will not ask for details about the ex anymore. Of course I need the info about dates and stuff so we can still plan a life together but I don’t want to know about anything else. I will let D. deal with her and I will not let her poison my life anymore. It is no longer any of my business. And this time, not living together and not being so completely overwhelmed with this stepfamily situation, I think I can actually do it. Distance myself from this drama and simply love my man, myself and my daughter and learn to accept my stepson as he is.
I’m very “reflective” today. Thinking about what might have caused my depression and the break-up of my stepfamily. I have decieded to finish reading Stepmonsters, a book about stepmothers, even though I am no longer a stepmom. I’m almost at the end of the book and I have to say that it does help me reflect on what happened. There is a section where she talks about rumination and that really got to me.
What the author, Wednesday Martin explains, we stepmothers tend to ruminate about stuff that happens. One event makes us remember another painful event until it goes around and around in circle and it engulfs us completely. That is one of the things that kept happening to me. The other issue she talks about is feeling completely alone. That’s how I felt. I did not feel support from my man and I did not think he understood. People around me were supportive but did not really understand.
I am slowly accepting that this adventure is over for the right reasons. That I did not fail. That I did everything I could but it just didn’t work out and that getting out of this life was the best decision for everyone. I have see proof of this every single day since I have left. My daughter is happier. She does not seem as stressed. I am sleeping and eating right. My anxiety is almost completely gone and I feel like taking steps towards making my life better. I have been able to deal with conflicts much easier. I have been able to step up for myself and express myself to my man and he actually seems to understand! He also seems a lot more relaxed around me and things are much easier.
We have decided to go away for the weekend, just the two of us. We used to enjoy those weekends but as time went by, they got worse and worse. We just could not get away from our life. I wonder how it will be this time. I am hopeful that we will simply appreciate each other’s company and have a good time… it has been a long time since we had a good time together. We love each other, that I am sure of. Our lives are just not compatible right now. But I do hope that one day, we will be able to live together again. But for now, this is great and seems to be working!
I found this great article by Wednesday Martin, author of the really great book Stepmonsters. I went a little extreme in disengaging… I moved out. But to me, there was no other way. I wanted to keep my man but wanted to survive… even live my life! I will try to apply the three rules in the following article and I hope it will be easier by not living together. I now know that nothing regarding his child is my fault. It is not my responsability. I have a responsability towards my daughter and myself and I have to love and cherish my man and support him… not try to fix his life and his life with his son!
Top Concern of Women with Stepkids: His Kids!
Power imbalances in the household (guess who has the power?) are common in stepfamily life. That doesn’t mean we can’t do something about them. It seems we have concerns. Big ones. Lots of them.
No surprise there. Stepmothering is one of the toughest roles around—ambiguous, demanding, depleting, charged, and frequently thankless. You told me about unduly empowered stepchildren, stepkids not getting the love and support from their mom you’d like to see them getting, undermining exes bent on preventing you from developing a relationship with the kids, financial anxieties, fears about your marriage/partnership, loss of identity, feelings of disappointment and even depression.
Today’s top concern, gleaned from your comments, is problems with his kids. Whether they’re emotionally unhealthy (“spoiled,” “entitled,” “lazy,” “too much power in our household,” “angry,” “not getting the love they need from their mom”), hostile and resentful in the textbook ways, stealing your stuff or even physically violent toward you or your own kids, his kids seem to be The Problem.
What’s behind all this—and what can you do to feel happy once again, rather than constantly on edge and stressed, fighting with your partner about how the kids of any age behave in general, and behave toward you in particular? First, you’ll have to let go of an idea or two. And the good news is, this can be remarkably freeing.
Ask yourself, am I living the dream that something I can do will “fix it” with his kids, or that something I have done, some way I am, is what has “broken it” with them? Here’s the truth: Problems with his kids are generally neither attributable to nor fixable by you. It just feels that way. So the first order of business is Let. That. Idea. Go. And feel your sense of responsibility–and your resentment for not being appreciated for your efforts–ebb away.
Problems you have with his kids are actually most often problems you have with him, problems he has with them, and problems with/courtesy of his ex. Here’s the breakdown of what’s likely making your life hell with his kids of any age right now—and what you can do to make it better:
1. Loyalty binds. Kids of any age might believe, “If I like my stepmom, I’m betraying my mom.” Mom may be exacerbating this anxiety, even encouraging the kids in their arms-length or outright hostile treatment of you, for reasons that we’ll get to another day. But whether they’re 4 or 54, his kids may well feel that giving you a chance is the ultimate betrayal of Mom. What it means for you: here’s your permission slip–don’t try too hard with a kid in a loyalty bind! You heard it, don’t bend over backwards to ingratiate or please that kid as those efforts will backfire, and only build your resentment. Instead when the kid of any age in a loyalty bind shows up, show him or her that you have your own life, interests and priorities. Odd as it sounds, this makes you seem less threatening, demanding, and hate-able, and it frees him or her up to come to you in their own time and way. Or not. Either way, not knocking yourself out = not feeling rejected and hurt. Which gives you energy to be there as an ally down the line, or simply be civil and kind when they’re around.
2. Often these kids simply have problems before you even show up. In her Virginia Longitudinal Study, divorce and stepfamily expert E. Mavis Hetherington had mostly good news about our resilience in the face of divorce and remarriage. But she also found that kids of divorce were twice as likely to have serious social and emotional problems as kids in general. Moreover, Hetherington and most experts assert that these issues are attributable to problems and conflict in the previous marriage, not from the divorce per se. Divorce doesn’t “ruin” kids. But all the conflict they experience prior to the divorce may prime them for social and emotional issues—so think of yourself as a bystander to that process, if you will. What it means for you: zero guilt, zero responsibility. When a stepchild has problems, you don’t need to take on any more than feels genuine or realistic to you, no matter what others think you should do. Your obligation is to step back and give the parents a respectful distance in their efforts to help a troubled kid, while you keep the focus on your own life and happiness, and on creating circumstances such that you feel safe and central in your own home when his kids of any age are around. Which brings us to…
3. Your partner. Poor guy. Or gal. He or she is likely not making your life so difficult on purpose! But post divorce, permissive parenting may become the norm, because dad feels guilty and scared that he’s seeing his kids less so forgets the word “no,” because mom feels overwhelmed by single motherhood and starts letting the discipline go, and/or because smart kids of any age learn to “game the system” and play one parent off the other. And permissive parenting = unduly empowered stepchildren with little sense that others matter. Least of all their father’s wives and their father’s marriages or partnerships. Long story short: problems with his kids = problems between you and your partner. If your stepkids steal from you, coerce you physically or emotionally, or are violent toward you, my advice and the advice of many stepfamily experts is, calmly and firmly request an immediate, temporary moratorium on his kids being in the house until things are sorted out, and then get to a qualified therapist stat, since violence, stealing, and intimidation might reasonably be considered deal breakers in a marriage.
More often than creating these types problems, a permissive, lax partner and ex in the picture will have raised kids who strikes us as (and may well be) spoiled, entitled, unhelpful around the house, immature, and unable/unwilling to be responsible for themselves and their actions. It also creates a “strict” stepmother in comparison.
One solution is what we might call and “internal shift.” Ask yourself and your partner: what is the difference between stepchild behaviors that are annoying and those that are dire? Are you stuck in a dynamic where he’s permissive, you criticize, and he becomes defensive of his kids, causing you to ratchet up your criticism even more, so that he’s the defender and you’re “wicked”? Is there a way to instead appreciate and even enjoy the fact that you don’t need to fix your stepchild’s sense that the world owes her? Or his inability to hold down a job? That his or her bad attitude is someone else’s problem? What would it be like to “witness” rather than live or experience viscerally your observations that a stepchild has problems? Your partner may well find this conversation as freeing as you do: he or she may be constantly laboring under the anxiety that you disapprove of his/her parenting and his/her kids. Even if you do, suggesting that you as a couple come up with a way for you to disengage, and actually mapping it out together, could be a game-changer for your marriage or partnership.
Tomorrow….actual steps you can take to make life with your stepkids of any age easier, alleviate your resentment, and improve your partnership (boy, that sounds easy!) (it’s not, but tomorrow’s steps can really help, promise)
Tags: blended family, divorce, family, remarriage with children, step mother, stepfamily, stepfamily advice, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin
This entry was posted on Monday, March 8th, 2010 at 11:25 am and is filed under book news. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I received this through my email by a friend in a stepmothering discussion group. I thought it applied really well to what we mothers and stepmothers do… Although I’m not a big: God sees you so be happy kind of person, I think that when we see our kids happy, when we see other people appreciate them, when we, one day, see them become adults we will know we had a part to play in that. We have a part to play in all the aspects of our lives and even if we never get to see the finished product ( as in the case of me and my stepson), what we brought in that relationship is good and helped.
The Invisible Mother……
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the
way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask
me a question.
Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’
Obviously, not.
No one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or
even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands,
nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?
Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being.. I’m a
clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What
number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30,
please.’
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes
that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude – but now
they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.
She’ s going; she’s going; she is gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England .
Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and
on about the hotel she stayed in.
I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so
well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.
I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully
wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .
I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her
inscription:
‘To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building
when no one sees.’
In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would
discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which
I could pattern my work:
No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their
names.
These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see
finished.
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of
God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny
bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are
you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be
covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.’ And the workman replied,
‘Because God sees.’
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.
It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I
see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake
you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are
building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will
become.’
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a
disease that is erasing my life.
It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the
antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one
of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to
work on something that their name will never be on.
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever
be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to
sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for
three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean
I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to
come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to
add, ‘you’re gonna love it there.’
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re
doing it right.
And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at
what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by
the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, MOM!
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know… I just did.
I have not written for a few days. Things around here are pretty hectic. I’ve tried to pack but don’t even know where to start.
It is official. I officially have an appartment and I am moving in 4 days. Things have all happened fast but it’s for the best. I feel this sense of relief to know that things are changing. Things were so tense and awful here and thinking of the new place gives me some peace.
Me and D. have decided to still see each other. We just think that living together is impossible for now. We raise our children very differently. And both of us are too stubborn to budge. For the first couple of weeks it will pretty much be just the two of us seeing each other. After that, we will see. We hope to still be able to do some activities with the children but not spend all our time together.
I feel relieved to be rid of all the tension and mostly of TOXIC BIO MOM! I will not have to live my life in fear of what she is going to pull next. I will also not have to deal with the tension with my stepson. I hope to develop a relationship with him where I appreaciate him when I see him and appreciate that he is different. He and my daughter get along great so that won’t be too much trouble.
We will also be living on the same street, which will make it easy to see each other. But we will each go back to our places and live our routine life the way we want. I have realised that I like to be in control of my life and I freak out when I’m not controlling. I will try and work on that but at the same time, it will make it easier for me to take baby steps in letting go… not have to change completely right away.
D. has also realised some stuff. He knows he is very independant. He lives in his own world and bubble and he knows that makes it difficult to build a family on that. By not living together, it may help. When he will spend time with us, he will be with us for real and he can be as independant as he wants the rest of the time.
I’m turning a page, starting blank. I have no idea if this will all work out but I do have this strong sense that it is for the best. I can’t wait to start living, for real and not just live in the daily conflict. It took so much energy out of me that I had non for anything else. I want to find myself again. Find pleasure in daily life. For once in my life, I don’t even want to think about the future. Well, I don’t mean at all, I do have a pension plan and everything 
But I am not living my life waiting for some better future to show up. I want to enjoy life today!
My stepfamily adventures are over and they are not. It’s just going to be a little different. We will be a couple with kids. We will be part-time step something… not parents, not family… I just don’t know how to call it. But it will be that and it WILL BE OK
Well, apparently life has forced me to make a new start. It is officially over with my man. After months and months of fighting, it looks like we both gave up… I gave up I guess because I still feel like he gave up a long time ago.
I don’t know whether I’m unlucky or if men just have that problem but it seems that being in a meaningful relationship is just too hard for some (or all?) of them. I had my doubts too. I even threatened to leave quite a few times and that probably did not help but I refuse to blame myself for this one. I was scared too and yet I always ended up staying. Even though I was terribly unhappy. Even though I needed anti-depressants to continue going on.
This time, I will not take it all on myself. I really tried. I really, truly loved him. I was willing to accept his fault and not try to change him… well at least not too much we women do that a lot. I worked really hard to accept his son and learn to love him as he is. Not judge and think my way was better. It was tough. I had relapses where I felt like lecturing and did lecture, but overall I worked hard at this relationship and the relationship with my stepson.
I worked hard at sharing my time with my daughter and my man. I tried to make both feel like they were loved and were both important. I managed to keep my friends this and still spend time with them even though it was a little bit different. My overnight stays with my best first N. were a bit impossible now that my man shared my bed but we managed to still talk, go out, spend time with our kids and even include my man in our outings from time to time.
This time I did not abandon my friends and family for a man. I had found a man who respected me. What went wrong, I still don’t know. It was hard, yes but nothing got better. I kept hoping that things would get better. That Toxic Bio Mom would get over her rage, that my man would learn to navigate this new life better, that I would deal with my emotions better. I hoped I would one day be as important to him as he was to me. I hope that Christmas would not be such an issue anymore, that he would want to spend it with my and not his ex-wife. That eventually we would find a balance in all this. A place where everyone was comfortable.
But it never happened. He just got more and more stressed. He became more and more angry every time I opened my mouth. He took everything I said as a criticsm. He saw everything as an attack. My emotions were all mashed into one: anger. Whether I was sad, disspointed or angry it did not matter: I was angry and I was giving him crap. That’s all he saw.
I do admit sometimes I did get angry. I’m human and what we went through was tough. But I never felt supported. I was afraid that if anything bad ever happened to me, he would not be there. I dreamed of being on my deathbed and that he would tell me he had to work, or had papers to correct, or his son to pick up or his ex-wife to call back. And I would die alone, without him.
I dreamt so many nights of reaching for him. Asking him to just be there for me… he was never there. More and more he asked me to stop talking. To ignore the problems. The place them under the rug and pretend life was great. He was tired, stressed, didn’t want to deal with all this. That’s apparently not what he had signed up for.
I didn’t know what I had signed up for either. It was a lot harder than I thought. But I was willing to try. I REFUSE to affirm, like him that I was not ready. I was ready. It was just tough. I REFUSE to say, like he did, that we were not meant for each other. We had great times together and could laugh like you wouldn’t believe….
But what really makes a couple? The laughs shared while cooking supper or staying strong and together in the face of conflict? Maybe it’s both…
Now we have neither…
These are two things I believe are essential to a couple, but are indispensable in a stepfamily. I have recently realized that I did not have both in my relationship and that may be why things are so difficult.
I won’t go into too many details but I recently found out I have been lied to for many months. The relationship with my man and his ex has always been complicated and difficult for me to grasps. Turns out that to protect this relationship, my man thought that it was better to lie to me, and her basically. Keeping the peace by telling her everything was my fault and keeping the peace with my by playing innoncent.
You can imagine just how awful and duped I feel right now. Honesty is a big thing for me. I’m very expressive with m feelings and thoughts and everyone can know what I think all the time. But apparently, this side of my personality is difficult to deal with. So for the last few months, I have worked at keeping my thoughts to myself, keeping my feelings to myself. It didn’t work. It made me explode even more when I finally couldn’t keep it in.
If my relationship was based on lies, no wonder I got none of the support I needed. I never felt like he understood, like he considered how I felt in all this. I always felt as if he was waiting for me to change, to adapt. Well that’s all done.
I like myself. I am a good person. I am a hard worker. I am intelligent. I think of others and I like taking care of others. I am talkative, sometimes too much, but it means I like to talk to people. I am interested in many things. I am intelligent and love to learn. I am very maternal with my kids but also with my stepson. I like to make sure they are well taken care of. I am a good girlfriend that like to think of her man and what would make him happy. I am a good daughter that will always be there when he parents need her. I am a good friend who can listen and be there for her friends when they need her. I am pretty and I can be sexy. I am passionate in everything, especially love. I am a romatic and a dreamer. I am not a liar, a hypocrite. I say what I think (of course I am diplomatic and don’t do it on purpose to hurt people).
I lost this person for a while. Well that’s over. Back to me now. Back to who I am. I will no longer try to be the person he wants me to be and I will be myself.
Day 1 of back to myself:
I will take care of myself today by taking a walk and exercising. I will also eat a good meal at lunch today, something healthy.
I will continue reading Stepmonster because it makes me feel really good.
I will go to the library to get some new books, because libraries makes me happy
I will finish the laudry for my family because I like doing things for them, not because I feel obligated.
Enough with the pity party. If he decided to lie, it has nothing to do with me but with issues he has. It does not diminish who I am. I will not let it!!!!
I just found this very interesting article that included a bunch of questions to ask yourself before getting into the whole stepfamily thing… Had I considered these questions before making the big move, I may have prevented this mess…
A woman often enters the stepfamily experience with stars in her eyes. Wrapped in a cloud of love and optimism she confidently floats down the aisle, smiling serenely at the cute little step-angel flower-girls who are absolutely adorable clad in their frilly attire and happily strewing orange blossoms onto the wedding path. A perfect day – hallelujah choruses soaring – heaven on earth! Right? Absolutely…until…the following morning when the very same little step-angels barge into the honeymoon suite, loudly arguing over who will be the first to crawl into bed with daddy, and she realises that this was not exactly what she’d had in mind for her first morning of wedded bliss.
- How does the love of your life behave when his children are with him? Do you still feel like you are an important person in his world or does he turn into an over-indulgent stranger? Who calls the shots – him or the kids?
- Does he have a civil relationship with his ex, or are they in constant conflict? How are they fighting their battles? Are their disagreements played out through their children?
- Has he worked through the failure of his first marriage or is he still angry or bitter? Does it seem as though he carries a great sense of loss, guilt or resentment?
- How does he feel about the possibility of having more children? Does he embrace the idea, or does he tell you that the number of kids he already has are more than enough?
- Does he have the financial security required to support an expansion of your family should this be on you agenda? Will your income be needed to support his former family as well as the current one?
- What are his expectations of you? Does he want you to become a surrogate mother to his children – someone to deal with all the mothering challenges but has none of the rights?
- How do you envisage your life 5 years from now? Can you see yourself being happy given the restrictions, sacrifices, challenges and complexities that marrying a man with baggage will bring?
I’m reading the fabulous book Stepmonster right now and I want to beat myself for not reading it before. You see, before Christmas, things were as tough as they had always been in this stepfamily and with my man and I went online and bought 3 stepfamily books. Most of them were interesting but explained stuff like how difficult it was for his child etc. Things I already knew since I was, myself, a stepchild many years ago. I got that. I know how he feels, at least I can relate… we can never really know exactly how someone feels.
But this book! Wow! It is as if she met me, got me to really express how I felt and then wrote about it. Finally someone understood. I was sitting with my parents the other day, trying to explain why I simply wanted to quit and leave. I talked about how Toxic Bio Mom behaved and infiltrated our lives. They listen but did not get outraged. Then I talked about the tension it creates in our home. How I stress and get anxious every day when my man gets home from work. I wonder what else she has in store for us. What will now be changed in our schedule, who’s birthday we can’t go to because she has something else she wants to do. When there is nothing, I breathe a sigh of relief but when there is something, I freak out. I yell, I cry, I want to roll on the floor and throw a tantrum and yell: this is just not fair!
Supper time is the worst when his son is there. Everybody sits and pretends to be a family when it is clear there are two clans in this house. Whatever my daughter does bugs the hell out of my man and everything his son does just gets on my nerves. And then, comes the bomb. A sentence, seemingly innocent, that brings Toxic Bio Mom back into our live. “Daddy, what did you do with mommy today at work”, “Mommy cuts my sandwiches in little parts when she makes a sandwich” etc. All normal stuff. His son wants to make sure we don’t forget his mom. After 7 years of divorce, after his mom remarried and had another child, there is still that hope that his parents will get back together. He won’t actually say it this way but it’s clear. And then comes my showtime. When he ends his sentence, he looks at me. I feel my man, tense next to me and hold his breath and my daughter stares at me intently. Quick, think. What is the best reaction. What do I say, do? Do I smile, do I pretend I didn’t hear it? Am I making a face right now? Are my eyes showing how hurt I am?
IT IS JUST TOO STRESSFUL. My mother’s solution: why don’t you just ignore it. What do you think I am trying to do? She thinks that if I have more hobbies and stuff to do on my own it will get easier. And what? I live in this house, babysit the kids, do the laudry and pick up after them and when they are in bed, I throw myself into work or hobbies? Euhh… isn’t there the word FAMILY in stepfamily? If what I got is a living partner that helps pay the bills, then why would I have to take care of a FAMILY?
We split up. I was ready to move out. I still am in a way. I just can’t take this life anymore. It is litterally killing me. My man’s solution: let’s go back to the beginning. Exactly what my mother says. We go back to being super busy. He goes back to doing everything his ex tells him to and I do things on my own. Then, I guess we will appreciate the time we will spend together, since there will be so little of it. But… where is the family in all this? Where is my support? I just don’t know if it will work. I have so much work to do on myself that I just don’t see how I can say no to this solution. I want to distance myself from Toxic Bio Mom and even from my stepson. I even want distance from my man. I wish I had enough money to go away for a week, a month even. Let them see how much they miss me and need me… or not…
I feel alone… so alone…
This Blog
The story of my life…
RECENT POSTS
| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| « Aug | ||||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | |||
| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
| 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 |
| 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | ||
Random Quote
by Elizabeth Wurtzel
I am reading
 |