Posts Tagged ‘separated family’

I found this article online and I thought it was very interesting. Although I don’t live with D. anymore and I’m not technically a stepmother, I often reflect on my experience and wonder what I did wrong… this kind of cheered me up The book also seems very interesting and I will look it up.

We’ve all heard the stereotypes: the wicked stepmother, the home wrecker, the stepmother who doesn’t care about bonding with her stepchildren. It turns out that this could not be farther from the truth. As a psychotherapist and stepmother, I know from both personal and professional experience just how difficult stepmotherhood can be. I counsel stepmothers individually, lead monthly support groups for stepmothers and facilitate an online stepmother support group. Without exception, instead of being uncaring and indifferent, all of the stepmothers I’ve worked with have been highly accomplished, lovely, intelligent, and attractive women who embraced the role of stepmother with enthusiasm when they got married. They all had the best intentions to bond with their stepchildren, and to create a loving new family. These stepmothers held onto the hope that the family would “blend” over time and applied the same can-do attitude they took to their jobs and other personal pursuits to their new role. They followed the belief that their behaviors make a difference in the life they lead; if they work hard, they will succeed, perhaps not immediately, but over time.

Their hard work, however, did not yield the desired result. Among a host of problems, some of them failed to bond with their stepchildren, while others could not hold a civil conversation with their husbands about their stepchildren without it deteriorating into a fight. After years of feeling in control of their lives, they now felt an absence of control. And when they expressed their needs and opinions to their husbands and other stepfamily members, many didn’t feel they received the recognition and support they truly needed. Over time, the stress and frustration became too much, and they grew depressed, anxious, and exhausted.

The good news is that there is hope: it is possible to be a happy stepmother. First, stepmothers need to understand that their struggle is not their fault — they have done nothing wrong. Their failures are not a result of any mistakes they have made but are related to the many challenges inherent in the role of stepmother. Part of the process of feeling better is learning the reality about stepfamilies and the variety of challenges that stepfamilies face. For instance, only 20% of stepchildren feel close to their stepmothers. That means 80% of stepmothers struggle to bond with their stepchildren — a staggering majority! Understanding this reality helps stepmothers realize that their problems are common to many other stepmothers. This information is a huge relief for them and helps them to reframe their struggles more objectively, enabling them to let go of feelings of blame and guilt.

Second, stepmothers need to figure out what they can control, what they can’t, and to take actions in the areas where they do have some control. This idea is very similar to the Serenity Prayer used in 10 steps programs. Recognizing what they can control helps restore their mind-set that their behaviors make a difference in their lives. For instance, stepmothers may not be able to control the visitation schedule, but they can control their responsibilities — what they choose to take on and choose for their husband, the biological parent, to handle — when the stepchildren are over. When stepmothers start doing things that they enjoy — make a conscious choice to see friends, take classes or play a sport — they start to feel better. One positive action can make a huge difference in restoring the belief that actions, in fact, do impact one’s overall happiness. The key to happiness is to remember we can keep growing and taking responsible for our own behavior. This reminder really helps stepmothers.

I also encourage stepmothers to reach out to other stepmothers for support and encouragement. According to positive psychology, the single greatest predictor of success during a challenging time isn’t intelligence or past experience but social support. Getting stepmothers to recognize that they are not alone in their struggles is very comforting, and moreover provides them with a tremendous network of wise and experienced women who understand exactly what they are going through. Through social support, stepmothers provide each other with invaluable sympathy, recognition, advice and encouragement.

There may not be anything we can do about the prevailing stereotypes, but there is help available to empower real stepmothers, facing very real problems.

© 2010 Rachelle Katz, Ed.D., LMFT, author of The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself and Thrive in Your New Family

Rachelle Katz, Ed.D, LMFT, writes from a place of both personal experience — she’s been a stepmother for nineteen years — and professional expertise. A psychotherapist with twenty-five years of experience in private practice, since 2004 she has empowered thousands of women through her Web site, www.stepsforstepmothers.com.

I was not sure about this move. I knew that for myself I needed to do it. But I was certain that it would mean the end of me and D. I am pleasantly surprised. D. and his son came over for supper last night. This is our second get-together since I moved out and once again, it went great. Everyone was relaxed, happy to see each other. His son kept saying how good my supper was and the kids had a blast playing together.

My relationship with D. has changed completely as well. We are a lot less tense. We are a lot more focused on the two of us. I feel as though we are falling in love with each other again. I was especially surprised to find that our conversations have changed dramatically. Before, it used to be 95% talk about the stepfamily, the kids and the ex. Now it was quite the contrary. We talked about our kids but sharing info and supporting each other, not criticizing or anything! The ex does not come up in our conversation at all. We talked about work, plans for the future, plans for our summer, things we like etc. REAL CONVERSATION.

We are spending the weekend together and I can’t wait. This was a really good move I believe!

I have just finished reading this entry and this part really got to me:

3.  I am better off not knowing everything. Before this challenge, I would listen to my stepdaughter tell me all about her phone conversations with her mom. Then I would get so worked up when I heard all the lame excuses why she hadn’t called for six months or made promises that I knew she wouldn’t keep. I would see my stepdaughter get off the phone and dance around the house in complete “joy” while I knew what was around the corner – more rejection when the promises were unmet.  I would start visualizing what that meant for me.

Now, I choose not to listen to the recap. I don’t want to know what was talked about and I feel 110% better on days when she does call. I put myself on a need to know basis and I love it.

This can be applied in an ex-wife situation. You can let your husband know you don’t need the details, just the info regarding dates and times for visitation schedules, etc…. This will blow his mind and make him eternally grateful. Men typically aren’t into details plus they don’t like to deliver information to their wives that they know can be potentially explosive!

read more at: http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/not-taking-things-personally-lessons-learned-from-the-40-day-challenge/

I have decided to apply this in my life now. I will not ask for details about the ex anymore. Of course I need the info about dates and stuff so we can still plan a life together but I don’t want to know about anything else. I will let D. deal with her and I will not let her poison my life anymore. It is no longer any of my business. And this time, not living together and not being so completely overwhelmed with this stepfamily situation, I think I can actually do it. Distance myself from this drama and simply love my man, myself and my daughter and learn to accept my stepson as he is.

I have not written for a few days. Things around here are pretty hectic. I’ve tried to pack but don’t even know where to start.

It is official. I officially have an appartment and I am moving in 4 days. Things have all happened fast but it’s for the best. I feel this sense of relief to know that things are changing. Things were so tense and awful here and thinking of the new place gives me some peace.

Me and D. have decided to still see each other. We just think that living together is impossible for now. We raise our children very differently. And both of us are too stubborn to budge. For the first couple of weeks it will pretty much be just the two of us seeing each other. After that, we will see. We hope to still be able to do some activities with the children but not spend all our time together.

I feel relieved to be rid of all the tension and mostly of TOXIC BIO MOM! I will not have to live my life in fear of what she is going to pull next. I will also not have to deal with the tension with my stepson. I hope to develop a relationship with him where I appreaciate him when I see him and appreciate that he is different. He and my daughter get along great so that won’t be too much trouble.

We will also be living on the same street, which will make it easy to see each other. But we will each go back to our places and live our routine life the way we want. I have realised that I like to be in control of my life and I freak out when I’m not controlling. I will try and work on that but at the same time, it will make it easier for me to take baby steps in letting go… not have to change completely right away.

D. has also realised some stuff. He knows he is very independant. He lives in his own world and bubble and he knows that makes it difficult to build a family on that. By not living together, it may help. When he will spend time with us, he will be with us for real and he can be as independant as he wants the rest of the time.

I’m turning a page, starting blank. I have no idea if this will all work out but I do have this strong sense that it is for the best. I can’t wait to start living, for real and not just live in the daily conflict. It took so much energy out of me that I had non for anything else. I want to find myself again. Find pleasure in daily life. For once in my life, I don’t even want to think about the future. Well, I don’t mean at all, I do have a pension plan and everything But I am not living my life waiting for some better future to show up. I want to enjoy life today!

My stepfamily adventures are over and they are not. It’s just going to be a little different. We will be a couple with kids. We will be part-time step something… not parents, not family… I just don’t know how to call it. But it will be that and it WILL BE OK

Here is an article written by an orthopedic doctor about the importance of family. This has been my reflection these last few days and I will write more about this. I have a hard time figuring out what family means these days. I do, however, strongly agree with this doctor about the importance of having a family and that having a successful family means more that having lots of money or recognition of any kind!

On the road to happiness, don’t forget the family

http://www.orthosupersite.com/view.asp?rID=60605

The security of being connected to, and loved by one’s family, cannot be attained through achievement or the accumulation of possessions.

By John D. Kelly IV, MD
ORTHOPEDICS TODAY 2010; 30:22

Picture this: you have mastered your craft, are an accomplished surgeon, have accumulated countless awards, and they are about to name a wing after you at the hospital. You make a lot of money and drive a Ferrari. There is only one problem … you are on your third marriage and two of your five children haven’t called you in months.

Is this the “script” you have envisioned for your life? Are you really happy?

Spiritual security

Truth is, it is difficult, if not impossible, to have any real measure of happiness and fulfillment without a loving support system — and there is no greater source of love than our families.

Many hardworking professionals are afflicted with the demons of workaholism: the allure of achievement can be intoxicating and ultimately workaholics become estranged from their loved ones. They work harder and harder to ease the pain of insecurity or to earn their worth. Ultimately, they find themselves alone and even more distressed. They become even more driven to dampen the pain and become engaged in a downward spiral of unhappiness.

John D. Kelly IV

For one to successfully embrace the stressors of a career in orthopedic surgery, a rich family life is essential. In the words of Morrie Schwartz from Tuesdays with Morrie, our families are our true “spiritual security.” They can be our anchors during the rough weather of work demands.

We enter and leave this world as part of a family. The extent to which we value family life will largely determine the quality of our lives. When we are old and near the end of life, will our families be there for us? The answer depends on us.

Great family cultures just do not happen; they result from a conscious decision to value family life. If we truly value our families, we will sow the seeds of a rich family culture during our lifetimes. When we decide to prioritize and extend love to our families, we will be blessed in return by a lifetime of steadfast support system.

With increasing work demands, the quality of family life suffers. In an effort to become “good providers” many well-intentioned orthopedic surgeons have simply neglected their spouses and children. This decision is shortsighted. It is truly difficult to attain any measure of real happiness when one is estranged from his or her family. In a previous column, I discussed the importance of marriage and how investing in marriage is the single most effective decision one can make toward lasting peace. The extent we prioritize marriage largely defines our happiness. The foundation of any good family is a great marriage.

The demands of orthopedic surgery can be overwhelming and our families are often the “collateral damage.” Most of us see ourselves as providers for the family and we push ourselves harder to maintain our standard of living. We must be continually developing an awareness of what we are doing (or not) to our families. If we neglect our loved ones, in time we will grow apart from them.

Truly productive workers give to others from their abundance. Likewise, a rich family life fuels success and is not an obstacle to it. Devotion and attention to family unity promotes achievement.

Unconditional love

When our batteries are charged with the security of a close, loving family, we can meet the world’s obstacles with the spiritual security and confidence that knowing we are loved can only bring. Our family nourishes our souls with what every human craves — unconditional love They provide us with a security that worldly acclaim cannot provide. They will be the ones at our bedside in our final days and they will be with us during the lawsuits, the infections and the other practice woes.

Children observe everything we do — and our actions speak louder than words. We simply cannot say “I love you,” yet appear emotionally distant or make no attempt to attend important events in our children’s lives. I am convinced that children want little more than our presence. You may think the paper you write, the award you receive or the position you attain will be your mark on the world — hardly. Your children are your real marks on the world. They reflect your values and can make substantial contributions to the world in a life of service.

Compare, the satisfaction you may receive from a “top-doc” recognition to the peace you may feel from knowing that your teenage daughter is certain you love her and that you are truly significant in her life. What joy compares to knowing that your family looks forward to you coming home. The security of feeling connection and love from family cannot be attained with achievement or possessions. The love of a spouse and children will enable to you to fulfill your dreams and give to others like no other force in the Universe. With a soul filled with the love of a family, you will want to give more to your patients, students and science.

Suggestions

• Write a script of what you want your spouse and children to say about you to others. How aligned are you to this vision?
• Create family traditions that are ironclad. Really go overboard with birthdays. Remind your children that their births were truly landmark events in your life.
• Schedule important family events into your schedule and let your secretary know that these events are, with rare exception, non-negotiable.
• Prioritize the family dinner. Data indicate that family meals help protect children against the allure of substance abuse.
• Treasure one-on-one time with children. Take one child to a conference. Every day ask each child, “How was your day?” Then simply give them space and be silent for a few seconds. Your loving presence will, in time, encourage openness and intimacy.

If it means making a little less this year to be more present to your families, do it! Your family’s standard of living is determined not by what you earn, but by what you give.

Remember, nobody on a death bed wished he or she worked more, and you don’t see U-Hauls following hearses. We want more than anything to be remembered as a good parent and a good spouse. Sow the seeds of a rich family culture, now. Your life and career depend on it.

For more information:

• John D. Kelly IV, MD, can be reached at University of Pennsylvania, Dept. of Sports Medicine 235 S 33rd St., Philadelphia, Pa. 19104-6322; 215-615-4400; e-mail: johndkellyiv@aol.com.