Since I moved out, I find that I have more energy. I don’t sleep as much or at all during the day and I am actually making plans, keeping myself busy and taking care of myself. Could distancing myself from my relationship have caused that? The article also mentions the importance of communication though, and in that sense, we are absolutely horrible, me and D. with this. We don’t really talk. We never solve problems. Everything I say is always seen as a critique and it only helps to keep us apart more and more. We actually seem happier when we DON’T spend time together… could that mean something? Here the article that caused this reflection.

Healthy Relationships Create Healthy Life!

Is your relationship with your significant other, mother, father, or friend making you sick? Believe it or not, there’s scientific evidence to suggest that our relationships can actually contribute to illness. Therefore, in order to achieve a healthy life, it is important to make our relationships healthy.

There have been studies to suggest that people who are married often tend to live longer. Experts reason that marriage provides a nurturing environment for individuals, enabling them to better fight off disease. The support of a loving spouse can make all the difference in the world, especially when one is facing a serious illness.

Maintaining healthy relationships can help to lower our stress. Stress is considered to be an important contributing factor for illness. By improving our relationships with other peopleparticularly with family memberswe can cut down on the stress which can sap our strength, making it difficult for us to ward off infections.

But it is not enough to know that healthy relationships can make us healthier. It is also critically important to know exactly how we can ensure that our relationships are healthy. Psychologists contend that the key ingredient of a healthy relationship is communication. Unless we feel safe to communicate our feelings, we will be unable to thrive in our relationships. If you don’t like to confront people, you might find it more difficult to communicate. Therefore, you must learn effective communication skills.

Before you can communicate in your relationships, you must know your goals and desires. In other words, you have to know what you want before you can articulate it to another person. You should try to keep an open mind, listening carefully to what the other person has to say. If you are bothered by a person’s behavior, try to avoid saying something like, “You are always late.” Instead, say something to the effect that, “When you are out and I don’t hear back from you, I worry.” That way, you are telling the other person how his or her behavior makes you feel. It is also vitally important that you admit your mistakes and apologize for them. Such a simple action shows that you are really concerned about the other person’s feelings.

Healthy relationships also depend upon setting limits for yourself, and respecting the limits of other people. You should never tolerate abuse in a relationship, whether it is emotional abuse or physical abuse. At the first warning signs, you should seek distance from the abuser. Such distance is critical for your emotional well-being and long-term health.

Ray Kelly is an Exercise Scientist with 15 years experience in the health and fitness industry. Check out his Biggest Loser Australia Review or http://www.free-online-health.com

I’m very “reflective” today. Thinking about what might have caused my depression and the break-up of my stepfamily. I have decieded to finish reading Stepmonsters, a book about stepmothers, even though I am no longer a stepmom. I’m almost at the end of the book and I have to say that it does help me reflect on what happened. There is a section where she talks about rumination and that really got to me.

What the author, Wednesday Martin explains, we stepmothers tend to ruminate about stuff that happens. One event makes us remember another painful event until it goes around and around in circle and it engulfs us completely. That is one of the things that kept happening to me. The other issue she talks about is feeling completely alone. That’s how I felt. I did not feel support from my man and I did not think he understood. People around me were supportive but did not really understand.

I am slowly accepting that this adventure is over for the right reasons. That I did not fail. That I did everything I could but it just didn’t work out and that getting out of this life was the best decision for everyone. I have see proof of this every single day since I have left. My daughter is happier. She does not seem as stressed. I am sleeping and eating right. My anxiety is almost completely gone and I feel like taking steps towards making my life better. I have been able to deal with conflicts much easier. I have been able to step up for myself and express myself to my man and he actually seems to understand! He also seems a lot more relaxed around me and things are much easier.

We have decided to go away for the weekend, just the two of us. We used to enjoy those weekends but as time went by, they got worse and worse. We just could not get away from our life. I wonder how it will be this time. I am hopeful that we will simply appreciate each other’s company and have a good time… it has been a long time since we had a good time together. We love each other, that I am sure of. Our lives are just not compatible right now. But I do hope that one day, we will be able to live together again. But for now, this is great and seems to be working!

A very short entry today.

I am finally settled in my new home. I have stopped waking up in the middle of the night and feeling completely lost. I would wake up and wonder where I was. Now, this is feeling like my little nest. Not a home but a sanctuary. I feel safe here. I feel like I can recover here. Like I can move on, like I can find myself.

I miss D. very much. His daily presence was reassuring and made me feel as though I was not alone. But the negative issues that came with it were just too much. I realise now that I forgot about myself completely when I lived with him. I simply went into this mode where I tried to take care of everyone but myself. I tried to fix the issues with his ex and with his child and became way too emotionally involved with all of it. I am slowly letting go. I have decided that it is not up to me to fix stuff for him anymore. I also know that it does not have to affect me and that I deserve respect. And I will demand it from now on.

Things with D. are a lot easier but I am still riddled with fear. I wonder if our old problems will resurface. If we can have a relationship where I feel cherished and most of all respected. Where we are truthful and loving… I am very afraid that he will become so independant and will not think of me. Too often I feel like I’m only there to fill the holes in his life, I get the leftovers. But I will work on asking for what I need. Not sulking, stating what is right for me and what is not.

So, right now, I’m enjoying nesting, fixing up my little santuary to make it feel as cozy as I can for my daugter and myself. I will be reading a lot in the next few weeks as well, something I never had the energy to do. I want to read books that will help me appreciate life and fix up stuff about myself. Then, I will have to think of fixing up my career and what I will do for the rest of my life.

For once, I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train! It may actually be the sun coming out!!!

I feel a little weird in this new appartment this morning. D. is coming over for supper… it also feels weird…

I am slowly adapting to this place. I wake up at night and sometimes wonder where I am and how come my bed is empty… why he is not here…. I have been feeling sick this last week and very weak. I wish he was here to comfort me and make me feel better. I wish he was here to help so that I would not be a single mom, once again, having to do everything on my own because nobody is there.

But, on the other hand, I feel free. There is no fighting here. No stress. No axiety. I have not had any anxiety attacks in days! I have not even felt depressed or cried. I hope it is not because I am too busy setting up this place… but I think it is good for me to be here alone.

I don’t know how our relationship will continue. I feel like an old lady that was placed in a home by her family. She had become too much of a burden and everyone thought it was for the best for her to be placed somewhere safer. For her sake and theirs. Of course, they will visit… but she still feels alone. Safe, but so alone. This appartment is neat. It has everything I need but it is not and will never be a home.

I am trying to focus on me and my daughter. I grocery shopped for our favourite foods and I even did my nails yesterday! I know, it sounds really ridiculous but taking care of myself has been nonexistent for the last few months. Showering was a huge task so!

I don’t have any plans for the future and I don’t want to have any. I have my next few weeks planned and that’s it. I don’t want to think of anything further. Eventually I will have to think about work. Part of me wants to try something completely new. I don’t know if teaching is for me anymore. I don’t know if I have the energy. What’s great about my degree is that I can always try something else and go back if I want.

I’ll start looking in a few months for something else. Something completely different to throw myself into. I would love something in publishing. I am finishing an article for a magazine today and I just love writing. This is also what this blog is all about. So if I could find something along that line… I just don’t know.

I’m seeing my doctor today and I will probably still be on sick leave for another few months. I am recovering, I think… finally! But I am far from recovered,especially with this separation. But I feel like things can finally get better. Getting back to basics.

But I sill feel alone. I still miss him. I still miss having a family and people to surround me every day. I wonder if this is my life! Taking care of my daughter, being by myself and seeing people from time to time? The rest of my life will be work? I don’t know… I’m still thinking!

I was going through depression before separating so I wonder how this new event will affect my depression. The constant fighting and dissapointments probably did not help… It’s only been a couple of days but I have already applied some of the tips found in this blog entry… before I had even read the article

I especially like the self-esteem file, which I will start! I will email a few people today and ask them for my 10 qualities…

You may be wondering why I’m talking about getting over divorce if my and my man are still going to see each other… because it feels like it anyway. It’s a kind of failure for me that the family and couple we tried to create did not work out… I feel just as if it is over. As if I am starting over. We have to rebuild our relationship on new ground…

12 Depression Busters for DivorceTuesday March 9, 2010

Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!

1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).

I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.

The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment–all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn’t mean her life was over.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

In her book “Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again,” psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.

Clean Out and Organize

As I try to figure out how to rebuild my life I have come to a realisation. I’m exhausted because I keep trying to teach others to change. I keep hoping and wishing that others will get it, that they will treat me the way I want to be treated. It never happens and that creates resentment, pain and sadness. As read more and more books and keep on with my therapy and I have realised that this method has never worked for me. I have therefore set two new goals for myself:

I will stop doing things for others, hoping to get recognition or appreciation. I will evaluate the things I do and ask myself if Iwant to this for the other person because it makes me happy or because I feel like I need to. This sense of obligation just makes me resentful when it is not recognized or appreciated. This one will not be an easy one to apply because saying no is difficult. I like helping others and most of the time, it makes me feel happy to do it. But if my actions stem from some kind of feeling of obligation, if I feel like I have no choice, if guilt or fear of hurting the other person by saying no is what drives me, it will only create resentment. I’m happy to help a friend move, I’m happy to do the laundry for my family because I love them. I don’t feel resentful and I don’ t get angry for doing it. It does not create a buildup of resentment that will later on explode. But I will learn to say no. I will not put my life aside and make myself miserable just because I want to please others… alright, I know, easier said than done. But it’s a start!

I will teach others how to treat me. I have, for too long reacted in the same way. I get angry, voice my emotions, hurt the people around me when my tyrade, but in the end, I give up and do what people want. I have therefore taught people that it is most of the time, scary to ask me something but that if they wait it out, I’ll give in. This of course are for things that have an impact on me. I’m not talking about asking for a glass of water here! It is asking for a sacrifice, for me to put something I love or like aside for the benefit of somebody else. This is the way I fight with my man as well. It does not lead to a compromise, it leads to him being afraid to talk to me and me feeling like crap after blowing up and giving in. Then comes the resentment because I feel cheated even though I’m the one who gave in and the next time I am asked something, it blows up. I will therefore respect myself. I’ll take a time out when something is requested and see how I feel about it. I will decide of an option that is best for me and I will trust that my man loves me enough to either find a compromise that fits both his needs and mine or will respect how I feel. I will also trust that he will still love me, even though I am not doing exactly what he wants.

All of this is not as clear as I would like it to be. But basically it means respecting myself so that I teach others to respect me. I have to start somewhere and the only person I can really work on is myself!

I’m trying to see the good side of life. I’m trying to see that life is worthwhile. That I’m a lucky person because I’m breathing, I have enough to eat and drink and I have people around me who love me.

What is most difficult is to let go of illusions. Accepting life the way it is. Accepting that your life is not so bad. Appreciate what you have and not long for what you don’t have.

Like they say: when you are handed lemons, make lemonade.

I just hope that we get used to the bitter taste of lemonade made with just water and lemons… cause without sugar…

I’m at a point in my life where I need to rethink everything. As a young woman, I had dreams, like everybody else. To me, life was simple. I grew up never feeling like I really had a home or a family. It hurts my mother deeply when I say this. She worked as hard as she could to create a home for us. But to me it wasn’t enough. She met a wonderful man and he filled in a place my dad never wanted to fill. But he wasn’t my dad. The one who was supposed to love me unconditionnally did not. I spent my whole teenage life longing for something else. For a family of my own. I knew I would love my kids unconditionally. I wanted to find a dad that would love them just the same. I wanted to find a man who would never leave, me or his kids.  Career wise, I did not care about fame and fortune. I wanted to find a fulfilling job. One that would give me enough money to live and enough time to devote to my family.

Things just didn’t turn out this way. I was blinded by wanting this family, so much so that I forgot to choose carefully. I recreated for my daughter a situation just as bad as the one I went through. Her dad took off when I was pregnant.  She feels left out, just like I did … and still do. I tried, like my mother did, to make up for this. I tried to be extremely present. But it wasn’t it. I had nobody to share the joy and the pain with. I was surviving. Struggling. I found a job that was exactly what I had planned. It gave me enough money to put food on the table and enough time to be present. But that’s all I had. No one loved me and my daughter enough… something was missing.

This time, I found a man who embodies everything that I should have looked for in the first place. But I’m just too late. The dream I had of a family, he has had already. Even though his family is broken, it satisfies him. It’s not what he is looking for anymore. The sadness I feel right now is immense. I feel lost. Completely and uterly lost. I will never be the type of mother and wife I wanted to be. I would need to focus on a career that fulfills me, but I just don’t care about that. I don’t want to value myself by how much money I make . I don’t want to wait for a boss to tell me I’m doing a good job. I want to feel it every day because my daughter is happy. Because my husband comes home every day. Because my newborn baby looks up at me and needs me.

I was heartbroken when everything fell apart with my ex. But never as much as I am right now. I still had hopes back then. I still thought that a family was possible. I know that what I have is a sort of family. But it will never be it. When my daughter graduates from universtity, I will be the only one with that immense sense of pride.  Yes, my man will feel happy for her, but never the way he will feel when his own son will graduate. We will both be grandparents, but separately. He will share his joys with his ex, the mother of his child. The one he lived the birth of his son with. They will share this feeling. They will know exactly how the other person feels. I will never have that. My daughter will never have real sibblings. She will never share that bond with anybody else. His son will, he already has a brother, a real one.

I know I should not place those barriers. Stepfamilies work out all the time. To my man, his failure came at the end of his marriage. Mine is happening every day. I will never get my second chance. It is just too late. My life will consist of doing my best for my daughter and being the best stepmom I can be. To love my man as much as I can. But I will never be content. Every day is just another day.  I don’t look forward to anything. I just live because I’m still breathing….

This entry really made me think. When do I actually know I’ve recovered and what does it mean exactl? I’ve been struggling with depression for a few months now and things are looking up, but I don’t know if I’ve recovered. I really don’t know what it means and when I’ll know it’s over. I’ve started thinking that maybe recovery is not something I should look for but rather, depression is part of who I am and that trying to have a better life is more of a life mission than a cure.

From Depression Through Recovery to Life as Creative Experience

I think of recovery as a slow process of change that aims at replacing depression with a new responsiveness to life. A key part of it for me has been deciding that I would not think of myself as always in recovery. Recovery would be the method for getting back to life. As Mary Parker Follett put it, the essence of life is creative experience – the constant interplay between the best we can put into life and all that it gives back to enrich who we are. I couldn’t imagine getting to that point if I thought of recovery as it’s defined in the prevailing medical model.

According to this model, a condition like major depression continues through life, though possibly “in remission.” Recovery means reducing the impact of the illness on daily living through ongoing treatment using medication and therapy. For me that would mean living the rest of my life with major depression, but its symptoms would be managed effectively. As I’ve written before, this sort of recovery is not for me. It’s a way of crippling expectations about my life – much the way depression itself does.

Perpetual recovery is not my goal, but recovery is nevertheless an essential step in restarting life.

I think of the process I’ve been through in terms of three separate types of awareness: the deadly stillness of depression, the reawakening of recovery and the creative experience of life itself.

Read more: http://www.storiedmind.com/2009/12/12/depression-recovery-life/comment-page-1/#comment-7069

I haven’t been able to write for the last couple of days. Any topic just depresses me. Everything seems so difficult. I’m wondering right now, how much can one person take. I see and hear about people who have gone through really, truly horrific things in their lives and they seem to be able to get over it. In my case, nothing horrific is going on but just a series of little crappy events that bring me down every time.

Finances, kids, family, relationship troubles… it just never seems to end. I feel as though my entire body is on automatic pilot. Still functionning but no one know how it’s even possible. It’s like the power is off but the tv is still on and nobody can figure it out. My life is like a series of failures, one after another and no matter how hard I try, everything comes back to a failure. Once one issue seems to be better, something else shows up and I just can’t deal with it. I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know how to make anything better. I don’t know where to start. I just keep on going for the sake of my daughter.

Right now my days are mostly sleep. For so long I have been unable to find sleep and now that I can, I seem to sleep all the time. It’s as if I want to sleep long enough for the days to go by. I want to my days to have the least hours possible. This way nothing new can fall on my head. Nothing else will be able to happen in that short amount of time. Yet, it still does.

Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I work my but off but the bank thinks I’m not good enough. I bust my butt at home to make sure everybody has what they need, that our home is welcoming, that everybody feels taken care of and it’s still not enough… nothing I do is ever enough. Yet I keep on doing all of that. I just don’t know how to keep going anymore. This situation is not killing me, it has killed me. It has killed my spirit. I don’t even know how or what I am anymore. I don’t know how to go on…