Posts Tagged ‘insecurities’

It is amazing how much I can talk and still have trouble communicating. I am extremely bad at communicating my needs and wants. It may come from the fact that I don’t even know what I want! I just hate that people assume they know what I want all the time.

I try to communicate with people the best I can. But how do you tell people what you need so that they understand. And what if they never do? What do you do then? I am always oscillating between trying so hard not to hurt anyone’s feelings and blowing up because I don’t feel heard.

I am currently reading Eat Pray Love, and I just finished the first section of the book where she goes to Italy in search of pleasure. What is that exactly? Just like the woman in the book, I think I am at a point in my life where I am trying to figure that out. I just don’t have the money to go to Italy for months an figure it out. So I’ll have to keep going and figure this out while living my life and doing what I have to do.

Hopefully once I figure it out, I’ll be able to express myself better. This may help my various relationships immensely!

I almost ruined my own day yesterday. Yep, me, no one else. Although it was initially other people I was mad at. I was hurt because D. forgot to tell me about something he had next week. Sounds stupid to get hurt over that, but he often forgets to tell me about stuff like that and it makes me feel left out. But my reaction was WAY over the top. I got mad. I turned this hurt, this feeling of being left out and not being important into pure anger, seeking revenge. This is a part of me I DO NOT LIKE!

As I took a walk this morning, I listened to this podcast about happiness and it talked about having two kinds of emotions: one out of love and one out of fear. All the emotions we control by trying to understand others and ourselves are out of love. We control our emotions and do not let them take over out of fear. All others, like jealousy, seeking revenge etc. are out of fear. Out of fear that we are not enough, out of fear that we have something to prove to the world.

I am getting better at controlling my emotions and not letting them take over, but I’m far from perfect. Yesterday, I was far from controlling my emotions. They were controlling me. And all it did was affect ME. Yeah it was not fun for the other people around me, of course. But I almost ruined MY day by letting my emotions control me.

I don’t like when D. forgets to tell me about things. It does hurt me. It does make me feel left out. And I am right to tell him so and he should be careful with that. But I cannot control what he does. I cannot control anything but my emotions. So, I’ll keep working on this. Working on controlling my emotions, which in turn, will control my reactions.

As I try to figure out how to rebuild my life I have come to a realisation. I’m exhausted because I keep trying to teach others to change. I keep hoping and wishing that others will get it, that they will treat me the way I want to be treated. It never happens and that creates resentment, pain and sadness. As read more and more books and keep on with my therapy and I have realised that this method has never worked for me. I have therefore set two new goals for myself:

I will stop doing things for others, hoping to get recognition or appreciation. I will evaluate the things I do and ask myself if Iwant to this for the other person because it makes me happy or because I feel like I need to. This sense of obligation just makes me resentful when it is not recognized or appreciated. This one will not be an easy one to apply because saying no is difficult. I like helping others and most of the time, it makes me feel happy to do it. But if my actions stem from some kind of feeling of obligation, if I feel like I have no choice, if guilt or fear of hurting the other person by saying no is what drives me, it will only create resentment. I’m happy to help a friend move, I’m happy to do the laundry for my family because I love them. I don’t feel resentful and I don’ t get angry for doing it. It does not create a buildup of resentment that will later on explode. But I will learn to say no. I will not put my life aside and make myself miserable just because I want to please others… alright, I know, easier said than done. But it’s a start!

I will teach others how to treat me. I have, for too long reacted in the same way. I get angry, voice my emotions, hurt the people around me when my tyrade, but in the end, I give up and do what people want. I have therefore taught people that it is most of the time, scary to ask me something but that if they wait it out, I’ll give in. This of course are for things that have an impact on me. I’m not talking about asking for a glass of water here! It is asking for a sacrifice, for me to put something I love or like aside for the benefit of somebody else. This is the way I fight with my man as well. It does not lead to a compromise, it leads to him being afraid to talk to me and me feeling like crap after blowing up and giving in. Then comes the resentment because I feel cheated even though I’m the one who gave in and the next time I am asked something, it blows up. I will therefore respect myself. I’ll take a time out when something is requested and see how I feel about it. I will decide of an option that is best for me and I will trust that my man loves me enough to either find a compromise that fits both his needs and mine or will respect how I feel. I will also trust that he will still love me, even though I am not doing exactly what he wants.

All of this is not as clear as I would like it to be. But basically it means respecting myself so that I teach others to respect me. I have to start somewhere and the only person I can really work on is myself!

Alrighty, I’ll try this one. But I’ll try to be the wise woman, because right now, I’m still fluttering between stages one and two according to this article.

I apologize for everything all the time, at other times I feel so mad that I refuse to apologize. Let’s see if this helps my anxiety!

Health Benefits of a Sincere Apology

We all know the feeling. You gossiped and the person found out. You helped yourself to something that wasn’t yours (such as someone’s spouse). You stole. You lied. You read your child’s diary. It never sits quite right — you toss, you turn in bed, you have that sinking feeling in your chest, you eat, you drink too much, you get headaches.

Carol Orsborn, PhD, a research associate at UCLA and author of 15 books including Nothing Left Unsaid: Words to Help You and Your Loved Ones Through the Hardest Times and The Silver Pearl: Our Generation’s Journey to Wisdom, tells WebMD about a woman she met while writing the latter book.

Barbara, age 50, was going through a divorce and her brother was her mainstay, talking her through lonely nights on the phone. Then she met the man of her dreams and moved away. She got so swept up in her new life, she put her brother on the backburner. She missed his birthday.

That’s when the sleepless nights began. She was embarrassed to even call. She knew he would be hurt — but would he be angry? Eventually, she picked up the phone. Yes, he was hurt, but he said he understood. She started sleeping again — and talking to her brother.

Orsborn surveyed 100 women in the baby boomer group for The Silver Pearl. “These were women who were role models with a positive attitude, whether or not they had any money,” she says.

A key characteristic was their ability and willingness to clear up unfinished business, she notes.

 http://women.webmd.com/guide/health-benefits-of-sincere-apology?ecd=wnl_wmh_112309

People still don’t understand what depression is like. Don’t they watch the news? Aren’t we all shocked when someone famous commits suicide? They seemed happy, they had money and fame and yet they were hiding the painful truth: things are tough and nobody noticed! I’m not saying this is the case of this lady. She may be using the system to her advantage. We won’t really know. Only she does, and her doctor and maybe, if she’s lucky, her family and friends. It just goes to show that having depression is still something people don’t get. It’s still something you have to prove to everyone.

I have days where I’m happy. Days where I can do my grocery shopping. Does that mean I’m reading to go back to teaching full time? Am I the best person to take care of 180 teenagers? I truly doubt it. Half the time I fell like I’m not taking care of the people around me, let alone myself. Scary Scary… But does that mean I have to write that I’m depressed on my Facebook page every day? Does it mean I have to take pictures of myself when I can’t sleep, eat or function? When I hit rock bottom, should I ask for help or should I post pictures of it online to prove myself?

so frustrating!

Read on to find out what I’m talking about:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/11/20/woman-loses-sick-leave-benefits-for-depression-thanks-to-facebook-pics/

I was having coffee with friends yesterday and we were wondering just when we act selfishly and when we respect ourselves. With the holidays coming up, all three of us are stuck with too many people to see and not enough time to see them all.

Saying no to your in-laws for a Christmas supper will automatically be seen as selfish.  But saying no to your own parents will have the same effect. So what is the right decision? If the person decides to spend the holidays with her boyfriend, is this person selfish? Just when are we selfish?

It seems that people automatically label you selfish when you don’t do what they want or expect you to do. Saying no is a tough thing for me. I’m always afraid that the person will be hurt. I end up doing a lot of stuff I don’t want to do just because I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. But am I respecting myself when I do that? I’m not putting myself first in many situations. This has caused a lot of frustration. I wait and hope that people will realise that I don’t want or feel comfortable doing something and will tell me it’s ok not to do it. I think this is one of my biggest problems and what is creating the most stress in my life. Trying to please everybody.

The problem is, once I start voicing what I want, won’t I be selfish. Isn’t it unselfish to do things for other people? And just when does doing things for other people become abuse? When is it too much of them to ask?

So many questions this morning, I think I’ll return to my coffee and ponder on this one a little while longer. If I figure out a way to refuse a request and not feel selfish, I’ll come back and tell

I’ve always been a passionate person. Whether it be for my job, for a hobby or in a relationship. I start out so passionate and so intense. If you hire me, I’m your best salesperson. The problem is, that passion fades… Then I become bored.

I’ve been wondering how to change this. I want to learn to enjoy life’s daily little pleasures and not just long for intensity. I’ve always felt the happiest when things are intense. I’ve longed for big shows of affection. I’m satisfied in relationships when the other person is demonstrative, intensely demonstrative. When I get sent hugh bouquet of flowers. When he grabs me and dances in a restaurant in front of everyone. To me these big gestures meant love. I’m learning that this might not be the case. Love may be the person who stands by you, even when you’re annoying. But I still long for those intense moments.

With others, I’m the same way. I look for those huge compliments at work. I look for huge recognition from students and employers. I’m at my happiest in huge moments like Christmas and birthdays. I’m at my happiest when I’m the host of the party and I feel appreciated. But these moments are not only scarce, they are often not the way I want them to be.

This Christmas will be the saddest I’ve ever had. Finding the strength to still see the excitement in it is so difficult. I long for that day to be happy but I just don’t know what that is anymore. I feel passion for nothing anymore. I feel like passion is what is hurting me and I don’t want to feel passionate anymore. I just don’t know how to go from this intense, passionate personality to the person who accepts life, accepts what she cannot change and can still find ways to enjoy life. I just don’t know how to become that person…

Read more at: http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/a-day-in-the-life-of/

Right now, my hamster is spinning on what it means to be the one and if I am it. Are we destined to be with one person that will fulfill our lives? If we have met that person, can we love again. I know that I have never loved anyone as much as I love my boyfriend. It is a real relationship. On that is built on trust, dialogue and I feel like we are respectful of each other. Is it the same for him though? It makes me freak out to think that I might not be the one for him.

Does he spend time thinking of how life would have been with his ex or another ex? Does he regret the fact that his relationships from the past have ended? I sure don’t!!! No one has ever treated me as good as he treats me. No one has made me want to be a better person the way he does every single day. Why all these questions about his reasons then? Because I feel insecure right now. It’s impossible for me to imagine my life without him. This is a relationship. This is how love should be… so what if it’s not the same for him?