Posts Tagged ‘holidays’

The holidays negotiations have been hell. We have finally come to an agreement that seems to satisfy everyone but letting go of particular celebrations and traditions have been difficult for both me and my man. I am now trying to apply the tricks in this article. This article really puts the emphasis on how difficult holidays are for blended family and reflects so well how I feel about the whole thing!

ON ReMARRIAGE: Let little stuff go over the holidays

By Paula Bisacre

Most people would agree the holiday season can be very stressful. Parents often become overwhelmed as their schedules get busier with parties, pageants and concerts. Their normal to-do lists grow even longer with preparations for special celebrations and gift-giving.

For stepparents, this time of year can be particularly anxiety-ridden because they face all of this and more. This holiday season, I am inviting remarried couples in this situation to give themselves a few gifts.

Stepparents often are challenged by holiday traditions. They try to balance keeping old traditions they had with their own children with establishing new ones within their blended family. In the millions of stepfamilies that formed this year, I’m sure quite a few people are standing awkwardly around their first Christmas tree trying to figure out whether they should use “their” tree topper or “ours.”

I’ll never forget how I agonized for three Decembers in a row, wondering what to do with my husband’s first wife’s collection of wooden Santa figurines. My husband, who was a widower, has more than a few of these beautiful decorations. As the one who decorates our home, I worried about what to do with them, going back and forth in my mind.

I thought his children might want me to keep the tradition of setting the Santas out around the house to remind them of fond memories. Then I feared my stepchildren would think I was trying to take over their mom’s things. Then I really cranked up my anxiety level by wondering how many to display. Do I display just one, or would it be insulting to not set out the whole collection?

Finally, before our fourth Christmas, I explained how I was feeling to one of my then-teenage stepdaughters, and she replied it really didn’t matter to her either way. I wish I had given myself a big box of confidence and the skills to initiate good communication directly with my teenage stepchildren a few years earlier.

An additional present I wish I had given myself was the understanding of holiday time in a joint custody situation. When I was going through my divorce, there wouldn’t have been enough wrapping paper on the East Coast to cover the size of this gift.

When I was a child, my family always celebrated Christmas on Dec. 25. I was emotionally tied to having our family celebration on that day, but that was no longer possible after divorce.

I’ve grown to realize that what is most important isn’t the actual date of our family holiday celebration. Having the opportunity to bring all five of our children together at once brings the most joy, no matter when it falls on the calendar.

The third gift I wish I had given myself when I remarried was the ability to let the little things slide and the ability to focus instead on how the holiday celebration would end up. I must admit, this gift still is arriving more like a book-of-the-month subscription rather than in one large package. Seriously, I sometimes wish a delivery person would drop off a package daily.

Seven years later, though, I see it really didn’t matter what time we opened our presents. And I don’t think anyone remembers whether we played a game after dinner or watched a traditional movie. I stressed out about so many things unnecessarily.

Lastly, remarried couples must remember to give themselves the gift of patience. Forming a stepfamily is not easy; it takes years to come together. I had always read that it takes about seven years for a stepfamily to blend and recently read a wonderful and informative Psychology Today blog article by Wednesday Martin, author of “Stepmonster.” The blog stated that stepfamily expert Patricia Papernow suggests that it can take four to 12 years for a stepfamily to blend.

Suddenly, I could feel my shoulder muscles loosening and my jaw relaxing. I hope other remarried parents can relax and enjoy this holiday season, too.

• Paula Bisacre, founder of Remarriage LLC, is the publisher and executive editor of reMarriage magazine (www.remarriage mag.com), which provides practical solutions for the growing remarriage community.

Yep, I’m already there. I’ve been wondering why, every year, the holidays are so intense.

Is it because we have to split ourselves up to be able to please everyone? Is it because we have to fake being happy to see others? Why do we have holidays.

Way back when, it used to be about religion. This turned into the commercial view of Christmas, with the gifts and everything. It the time of year where you are guilted into going places you don’t really feel like going. Isn’t it supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. The happy times?

Since I became a mom, Christmas has become an obligation to make it the happiest possible for children. But what do I remember of Christmas as a child? I barely remember the gifts. I barely remember the food. I mostly remember how happy people looked. My daughter does not have that to look back on, or does she? In the end, whether I’m happy or not may not be the point. I won’t be able to be happy at Christmas, will she really notice? I doubt it. I doubt that my mom and dad were really, truly happy at Christmas. They were fighting before their divorce and after, they were sad because one of them did not get to see  us at Christmas. So, truly, does it really matter.

I don’t know what I want for my daughter for Christmas this year. I decided to be myself and respect myself. I don’t want to have a happy Christmas this year. I don’t want to fake it for anyone. It’s not a happy time for me. My relationship is on the rocks and we are not able to compromise to be able to spend it together. So, if I fake it, what am I truly teaching my daughter? That Christmas is hypocrite day? It’s the day where you prentend to be happy? Where you can truly test who loves you by seeing who shows up?

I don’t know what she’ll remember about Christmas when she grows up. I don’t know if my choices will affect her forever. I just know I want her to be honest and respect herself…

Today is Halloween and our family has a very complicated way of celebrating it. Although this morning is pretty relaxing, this evening will be running around.

I’m looking forward to spending some time with the kids but it’s a little weird, a little different. I’m used to doing everything on my own and now, it looks a lot more like a family. It’s really too bad that the weather is not so great because, even though some of the elements of this evening are stressig me out (like having to go to stepson’s mom’s house for a little while so she can be part of his Halloween), I’m just happy that I get to share this moment with someone else.

I feel like we are building a new tradition. We are creating memories. I’m so happy for my daughter because that’s what I want most for her, memories that will remain, memories she can look back to when she is an adult. A real childhood!