I’ve recently read this article that said that people who kept busy were happier. Is it happiness really or do you just not have time to question anything? To wonder what your life could be or should be?  Should we wonder about this anyway and are we complicating our life way too much when we wonder about these things.

I went to see a great movie yesterday. The movie is documentary I had seen mentionned on Oprah a while back. It is titled: Babies. It’s a very simple film, with minimal dialogue when the director follows the first year of life of four babies. The babies come from the US, Africa, Mongolia and Japan. So basically, just watching babies grow in their environment. It is a great film, so relaxing and I hightly recommend it.

As I watched the mother from Africa, taking care of her babies and breastfeeding often two of them at a time, I wondered how happy she was? Does she have time to wonder about a life that would be different, easier, better? Does she simply enjoy what she has? I have a feeling she does not ask herself as many questions as I ask myself. She is probably way too busy for that… and maybe that makes her happier. Maybe it’s all those questions I keep asking myself that make my life difficult.

I have tried, for the last few days, to really live one day at a time. That does not mean I don’t plan activities with friends in advance, but I am trying to not worry about what life will be like in the next years. To simply try to focus on here and now. It’s not easy but I’m trying. Things are not as they should be, but I don’t really know HOW they should be so I can’t really explain it.

So I’m working on taking care of myself, my daughter, my home and trying not to think of so many things and ask myself so many questions

I really like this author and cannot wait to read her book. I like the idea to make happiness an actual project and that’s what I’m trying to do. This specific article has you think about the obstacles to happiness. My main obstacles are clearly identified: trying to please everyone so that I end up not being myself and being unhappy, stress (over money, over what people think, over my future etc…), and my relationship that needs to be more clearly defined… Whether you are happy or not, this is an article worth reading!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/201005/happiness-question-whats-obstacle-your-happiness

May 27, 2010, Happiness

Happiness Question: What’s an obstacle to your happiness?

I am seriously guilty of this. I too often argue for the sake of being right but never actually gain anything from the argument. Me and D. often leave arguments both frustrated. I will work at being happy and not being right. I will try to let go of arguments and try to listen more… in all my life’s situations! This article found on http://charlottekamman.com/ really made me think and I will try to apply this as much as I can!

Counter-Values are things you just can’t stand. Things that make your life miserable when it happens. Things that you try to avoid at all cost in your life. Just like the values I mentionned in a previous blog entry, counter-values need to be respected if you want to be happy and live a life you are comfortable with. Of course, there are moments in our lives where we must do things that don’t necessarily please us. But if your life is full of your counter-values, you will be extremely miserable!

Here are my counter values according to the book by Isabelle Nazare-Aga titled: Je suis comme je suis (it’s a French book, the title means I am who I am)

Counter-Value #1: Boredom

I hate being bored. I simply can’t stand it. I agonize over events where I know I will be bored. I try to carry stuff with me at all times to keep me occupied: magazines, books etc. I can’t even eat alone… I find it boring. So I read or watch TV if I have to be alone. When I feel boredom, I have to find something to do. Even if it’s just going to the store to get milk. Weekends where I have no plans are awful. I need to see people, do things… anything!

Counter-Value #2:Uselessness

I don’t like feeling useless and I don’t like things I consider useless. I like helping other and being attentive to the needs of others. I will often offer my help to people. I also don’t like meetings where people talk and talk but don’t come up with any action. Being proactive is important to me.

Counter-Value #3: Lack of trust

I need to trust people. When I buy for a company I need to trust it. My first reaction to new places or people is to be careful before I trust them. I have a hard time with change because once I trust a place or a person, I don’t want anything to change.

Counter-Value #4: Lack of recognition

I am very sensitive when it comes to compliments or even thank yous. I feel really offended and hurt when people don’t thank me or recognize the work I have done. Sometimes I do expect to much though, and I am often dissapointed. I like when people recognize me as a good person or a good worker.

Counter-Value #5: Break-ups or loss

I get very anxious if I lose someone or when someone leaves. I am often very sad, even if that person has just left for a trip.  In love, every single fight or conflict brings up the fear of a break up. Thinking of anybody I love dying terrifies me. I also have a hard time moving or changing something major in my life.

Counter-Value #6: Solitude

I feel awful when I have to spend a weekend night alone at home, especially on a Saturday! I try to have people around me. When I am alone I feel anxious, sad or even depressed. I try to plan my weekends so I always have something to do. I like doing things with other people, not alone. If I am alone one nigh, I will call someone and chat. In love, I am very dependant, I don’t want to be alone. It scares me immensely to think that I might end up alone when I’m older.

Ouch… reading this I realize I have a lot of stuff to work on. Counter-Values are not all necessarily positive. They are just what I need right now to feel fulfilled. But some of those I’ll have to change. Especially the being alone one. With the situation with D. I will have to get used to being alone… I need to find a way to appreciate it or I will go crazy!

All of my life, I have always felt like I was in a battle. I had to fight to survive. I was angry most of time, emotional, struggling but moving forward because life would be better when… when I was done with school, when I found a job I enjoyed, when I had children, when I would fall in love etc.

What I am now trying to integrate in my life is the idea that life is happening now, that it is not a battle and not a goal to achieve but just something I have to go through today and enjoy.

I’ve been reading many books and many articles and I have come across this notion that living according to your personal values is what makes you truly happy. This book I am reading says that everything that we do is connected to our values. I’ve always wondered why some people were able to do things that I would feel way too guilty to do. Some people never take a day off work, even if they are extremely sick. For them, some of their most important values are related to their job. Others are able to take a personal day without feeling any guilt because some of their most important values include taking care of themselves or having the kids come first if they are sick for example.

No one is right or wrong. It just depends what you truly believe in. This book goes on to say that if you go against your personal values, this is when you are unhappy. Of course, there are core values everybody should have like respect for others and so forth. This is not what I’m talking about. These are society’s values and should be part of everyone. What I’m talking about is more personal.

I will attempt in the next weeks to find what my core values are and I will share them with you. I have come across this really good article that has a short excercie to help you discover your values. Personnally, I want something a little deeper so I will continue with my book but this exercise may be a good way to start

The book is in French and if you read French I strongly recommend it. I have, however, included a list of English books that I thought would be interesting for this topic and added them at the end of the article.

The problem Reggie’s having is that he’s not living his values. In fact, he’s even lost touch with what his values really are. He says he loves his wife, for instance, but comes home every night and sits in front of the TV rather than giving his marriage much time and attention. Over the years he and his wife have lost almost all of the feelings of excitement and friendship that once made them so happy.

Read more at: http://www.hometownannapolis.com/news/lif/2010/04/18-07/Achieving-Happiness-Living-your-values-is-core-of-happiness.html

Suggested Reading

http://www.amazon.ca/Question-Values-Personal-Choices-Shape/dp/0966190831/ref=sr_1_22?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271770750&sr=1-22

http://www.amazon.ca/Five-Be-Alive-Values-Living/dp/0615339867/ref=sr_1_35?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271770832&sr=1-35

http://www.amazon.ca/Values-Clarification-Dr-Sidney-Simon/dp/0446670952/ref=sr_1_59?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1271770953&sr=1-59

Since I moved out, I find that I have more energy. I don’t sleep as much or at all during the day and I am actually making plans, keeping myself busy and taking care of myself. Could distancing myself from my relationship have caused that? The article also mentions the importance of communication though, and in that sense, we are absolutely horrible, me and D. with this. We don’t really talk. We never solve problems. Everything I say is always seen as a critique and it only helps to keep us apart more and more. We actually seem happier when we DON’T spend time together… could that mean something? Here the article that caused this reflection.

Healthy Relationships Create Healthy Life!

Is your relationship with your significant other, mother, father, or friend making you sick? Believe it or not, there’s scientific evidence to suggest that our relationships can actually contribute to illness. Therefore, in order to achieve a healthy life, it is important to make our relationships healthy.

There have been studies to suggest that people who are married often tend to live longer. Experts reason that marriage provides a nurturing environment for individuals, enabling them to better fight off disease. The support of a loving spouse can make all the difference in the world, especially when one is facing a serious illness.

Maintaining healthy relationships can help to lower our stress. Stress is considered to be an important contributing factor for illness. By improving our relationships with other peopleparticularly with family memberswe can cut down on the stress which can sap our strength, making it difficult for us to ward off infections.

But it is not enough to know that healthy relationships can make us healthier. It is also critically important to know exactly how we can ensure that our relationships are healthy. Psychologists contend that the key ingredient of a healthy relationship is communication. Unless we feel safe to communicate our feelings, we will be unable to thrive in our relationships. If you don’t like to confront people, you might find it more difficult to communicate. Therefore, you must learn effective communication skills.

Before you can communicate in your relationships, you must know your goals and desires. In other words, you have to know what you want before you can articulate it to another person. You should try to keep an open mind, listening carefully to what the other person has to say. If you are bothered by a person’s behavior, try to avoid saying something like, “You are always late.” Instead, say something to the effect that, “When you are out and I don’t hear back from you, I worry.” That way, you are telling the other person how his or her behavior makes you feel. It is also vitally important that you admit your mistakes and apologize for them. Such a simple action shows that you are really concerned about the other person’s feelings.

Healthy relationships also depend upon setting limits for yourself, and respecting the limits of other people. You should never tolerate abuse in a relationship, whether it is emotional abuse or physical abuse. At the first warning signs, you should seek distance from the abuser. Such distance is critical for your emotional well-being and long-term health.

Ray Kelly is an Exercise Scientist with 15 years experience in the health and fitness industry. Check out his Biggest Loser Australia Review or http://www.free-online-health.com

A very short entry today.

I am finally settled in my new home. I have stopped waking up in the middle of the night and feeling completely lost. I would wake up and wonder where I was. Now, this is feeling like my little nest. Not a home but a sanctuary. I feel safe here. I feel like I can recover here. Like I can move on, like I can find myself.

I miss D. very much. His daily presence was reassuring and made me feel as though I was not alone. But the negative issues that came with it were just too much. I realise now that I forgot about myself completely when I lived with him. I simply went into this mode where I tried to take care of everyone but myself. I tried to fix the issues with his ex and with his child and became way too emotionally involved with all of it. I am slowly letting go. I have decided that it is not up to me to fix stuff for him anymore. I also know that it does not have to affect me and that I deserve respect. And I will demand it from now on.

Things with D. are a lot easier but I am still riddled with fear. I wonder if our old problems will resurface. If we can have a relationship where I feel cherished and most of all respected. Where we are truthful and loving… I am very afraid that he will become so independant and will not think of me. Too often I feel like I’m only there to fill the holes in his life, I get the leftovers. But I will work on asking for what I need. Not sulking, stating what is right for me and what is not.

So, right now, I’m enjoying nesting, fixing up my little santuary to make it feel as cozy as I can for my daugter and myself. I will be reading a lot in the next few weeks as well, something I never had the energy to do. I want to read books that will help me appreciate life and fix up stuff about myself. Then, I will have to think of fixing up my career and what I will do for the rest of my life.

For once, I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train! It may actually be the sun coming out!!!

As I try to figure out how to rebuild my life I have come to a realisation. I’m exhausted because I keep trying to teach others to change. I keep hoping and wishing that others will get it, that they will treat me the way I want to be treated. It never happens and that creates resentment, pain and sadness. As read more and more books and keep on with my therapy and I have realised that this method has never worked for me. I have therefore set two new goals for myself:

I will stop doing things for others, hoping to get recognition or appreciation. I will evaluate the things I do and ask myself if Iwant to this for the other person because it makes me happy or because I feel like I need to. This sense of obligation just makes me resentful when it is not recognized or appreciated. This one will not be an easy one to apply because saying no is difficult. I like helping others and most of the time, it makes me feel happy to do it. But if my actions stem from some kind of feeling of obligation, if I feel like I have no choice, if guilt or fear of hurting the other person by saying no is what drives me, it will only create resentment. I’m happy to help a friend move, I’m happy to do the laundry for my family because I love them. I don’t feel resentful and I don’ t get angry for doing it. It does not create a buildup of resentment that will later on explode. But I will learn to say no. I will not put my life aside and make myself miserable just because I want to please others… alright, I know, easier said than done. But it’s a start!

I will teach others how to treat me. I have, for too long reacted in the same way. I get angry, voice my emotions, hurt the people around me when my tyrade, but in the end, I give up and do what people want. I have therefore taught people that it is most of the time, scary to ask me something but that if they wait it out, I’ll give in. This of course are for things that have an impact on me. I’m not talking about asking for a glass of water here! It is asking for a sacrifice, for me to put something I love or like aside for the benefit of somebody else. This is the way I fight with my man as well. It does not lead to a compromise, it leads to him being afraid to talk to me and me feeling like crap after blowing up and giving in. Then comes the resentment because I feel cheated even though I’m the one who gave in and the next time I am asked something, it blows up. I will therefore respect myself. I’ll take a time out when something is requested and see how I feel about it. I will decide of an option that is best for me and I will trust that my man loves me enough to either find a compromise that fits both his needs and mine or will respect how I feel. I will also trust that he will still love me, even though I am not doing exactly what he wants.

All of this is not as clear as I would like it to be. But basically it means respecting myself so that I teach others to respect me. I have to start somewhere and the only person I can really work on is myself!

Here is an article written by an orthopedic doctor about the importance of family. This has been my reflection these last few days and I will write more about this. I have a hard time figuring out what family means these days. I do, however, strongly agree with this doctor about the importance of having a family and that having a successful family means more that having lots of money or recognition of any kind!

On the road to happiness, don’t forget the family

http://www.orthosupersite.com/view.asp?rID=60605

The security of being connected to, and loved by one’s family, cannot be attained through achievement or the accumulation of possessions.

By John D. Kelly IV, MD
ORTHOPEDICS TODAY 2010; 30:22

Picture this: you have mastered your craft, are an accomplished surgeon, have accumulated countless awards, and they are about to name a wing after you at the hospital. You make a lot of money and drive a Ferrari. There is only one problem … you are on your third marriage and two of your five children haven’t called you in months.

Is this the “script” you have envisioned for your life? Are you really happy?

Spiritual security

Truth is, it is difficult, if not impossible, to have any real measure of happiness and fulfillment without a loving support system — and there is no greater source of love than our families.

Many hardworking professionals are afflicted with the demons of workaholism: the allure of achievement can be intoxicating and ultimately workaholics become estranged from their loved ones. They work harder and harder to ease the pain of insecurity or to earn their worth. Ultimately, they find themselves alone and even more distressed. They become even more driven to dampen the pain and become engaged in a downward spiral of unhappiness.

John D. Kelly IV

For one to successfully embrace the stressors of a career in orthopedic surgery, a rich family life is essential. In the words of Morrie Schwartz from Tuesdays with Morrie, our families are our true “spiritual security.” They can be our anchors during the rough weather of work demands.

We enter and leave this world as part of a family. The extent to which we value family life will largely determine the quality of our lives. When we are old and near the end of life, will our families be there for us? The answer depends on us.

Great family cultures just do not happen; they result from a conscious decision to value family life. If we truly value our families, we will sow the seeds of a rich family culture during our lifetimes. When we decide to prioritize and extend love to our families, we will be blessed in return by a lifetime of steadfast support system.

With increasing work demands, the quality of family life suffers. In an effort to become “good providers” many well-intentioned orthopedic surgeons have simply neglected their spouses and children. This decision is shortsighted. It is truly difficult to attain any measure of real happiness when one is estranged from his or her family. In a previous column, I discussed the importance of marriage and how investing in marriage is the single most effective decision one can make toward lasting peace. The extent we prioritize marriage largely defines our happiness. The foundation of any good family is a great marriage.

The demands of orthopedic surgery can be overwhelming and our families are often the “collateral damage.” Most of us see ourselves as providers for the family and we push ourselves harder to maintain our standard of living. We must be continually developing an awareness of what we are doing (or not) to our families. If we neglect our loved ones, in time we will grow apart from them.

Truly productive workers give to others from their abundance. Likewise, a rich family life fuels success and is not an obstacle to it. Devotion and attention to family unity promotes achievement.

Unconditional love

When our batteries are charged with the security of a close, loving family, we can meet the world’s obstacles with the spiritual security and confidence that knowing we are loved can only bring. Our family nourishes our souls with what every human craves — unconditional love They provide us with a security that worldly acclaim cannot provide. They will be the ones at our bedside in our final days and they will be with us during the lawsuits, the infections and the other practice woes.

Children observe everything we do — and our actions speak louder than words. We simply cannot say “I love you,” yet appear emotionally distant or make no attempt to attend important events in our children’s lives. I am convinced that children want little more than our presence. You may think the paper you write, the award you receive or the position you attain will be your mark on the world — hardly. Your children are your real marks on the world. They reflect your values and can make substantial contributions to the world in a life of service.

Compare, the satisfaction you may receive from a “top-doc” recognition to the peace you may feel from knowing that your teenage daughter is certain you love her and that you are truly significant in her life. What joy compares to knowing that your family looks forward to you coming home. The security of feeling connection and love from family cannot be attained with achievement or possessions. The love of a spouse and children will enable to you to fulfill your dreams and give to others like no other force in the Universe. With a soul filled with the love of a family, you will want to give more to your patients, students and science.

Suggestions

• Write a script of what you want your spouse and children to say about you to others. How aligned are you to this vision?
• Create family traditions that are ironclad. Really go overboard with birthdays. Remind your children that their births were truly landmark events in your life.
• Schedule important family events into your schedule and let your secretary know that these events are, with rare exception, non-negotiable.
• Prioritize the family dinner. Data indicate that family meals help protect children against the allure of substance abuse.
• Treasure one-on-one time with children. Take one child to a conference. Every day ask each child, “How was your day?” Then simply give them space and be silent for a few seconds. Your loving presence will, in time, encourage openness and intimacy.

If it means making a little less this year to be more present to your families, do it! Your family’s standard of living is determined not by what you earn, but by what you give.

Remember, nobody on a death bed wished he or she worked more, and you don’t see U-Hauls following hearses. We want more than anything to be remembered as a good parent and a good spouse. Sow the seeds of a rich family culture, now. Your life and career depend on it.

For more information:

• John D. Kelly IV, MD, can be reached at University of Pennsylvania, Dept. of Sports Medicine 235 S 33rd St., Philadelphia, Pa. 19104-6322; 215-615-4400; e-mail: johndkellyiv@aol.com.

I’m trying to see the good side of life. I’m trying to see that life is worthwhile. That I’m a lucky person because I’m breathing, I have enough to eat and drink and I have people around me who love me.

What is most difficult is to let go of illusions. Accepting life the way it is. Accepting that your life is not so bad. Appreciate what you have and not long for what you don’t have.

Like they say: when you are handed lemons, make lemonade.

I just hope that we get used to the bitter taste of lemonade made with just water and lemons… cause without sugar…