Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

As I try to figure out how to rebuild my life I have come to a realisation. I’m exhausted because I keep trying to teach others to change. I keep hoping and wishing that others will get it, that they will treat me the way I want to be treated. It never happens and that creates resentment, pain and sadness. As read more and more books and keep on with my therapy and I have realised that this method has never worked for me. I have therefore set two new goals for myself:

I will stop doing things for others, hoping to get recognition or appreciation. I will evaluate the things I do and ask myself if Iwant to this for the other person because it makes me happy or because I feel like I need to. This sense of obligation just makes me resentful when it is not recognized or appreciated. This one will not be an easy one to apply because saying no is difficult. I like helping others and most of the time, it makes me feel happy to do it. But if my actions stem from some kind of feeling of obligation, if I feel like I have no choice, if guilt or fear of hurting the other person by saying no is what drives me, it will only create resentment. I’m happy to help a friend move, I’m happy to do the laundry for my family because I love them. I don’t feel resentful and I don’ t get angry for doing it. It does not create a buildup of resentment that will later on explode. But I will learn to say no. I will not put my life aside and make myself miserable just because I want to please others… alright, I know, easier said than done. But it’s a start!

I will teach others how to treat me. I have, for too long reacted in the same way. I get angry, voice my emotions, hurt the people around me when my tyrade, but in the end, I give up and do what people want. I have therefore taught people that it is most of the time, scary to ask me something but that if they wait it out, I’ll give in. This of course are for things that have an impact on me. I’m not talking about asking for a glass of water here! It is asking for a sacrifice, for me to put something I love or like aside for the benefit of somebody else. This is the way I fight with my man as well. It does not lead to a compromise, it leads to him being afraid to talk to me and me feeling like crap after blowing up and giving in. Then comes the resentment because I feel cheated even though I’m the one who gave in and the next time I am asked something, it blows up. I will therefore respect myself. I’ll take a time out when something is requested and see how I feel about it. I will decide of an option that is best for me and I will trust that my man loves me enough to either find a compromise that fits both his needs and mine or will respect how I feel. I will also trust that he will still love me, even though I am not doing exactly what he wants.

All of this is not as clear as I would like it to be. But basically it means respecting myself so that I teach others to respect me. I have to start somewhere and the only person I can really work on is myself!

Here is an article written by an orthopedic doctor about the importance of family. This has been my reflection these last few days and I will write more about this. I have a hard time figuring out what family means these days. I do, however, strongly agree with this doctor about the importance of having a family and that having a successful family means more that having lots of money or recognition of any kind!

On the road to happiness, don’t forget the family

http://www.orthosupersite.com/view.asp?rID=60605

The security of being connected to, and loved by one’s family, cannot be attained through achievement or the accumulation of possessions.

By John D. Kelly IV, MD
ORTHOPEDICS TODAY 2010; 30:22

Picture this: you have mastered your craft, are an accomplished surgeon, have accumulated countless awards, and they are about to name a wing after you at the hospital. You make a lot of money and drive a Ferrari. There is only one problem … you are on your third marriage and two of your five children haven’t called you in months.

Is this the “script” you have envisioned for your life? Are you really happy?

Spiritual security

Truth is, it is difficult, if not impossible, to have any real measure of happiness and fulfillment without a loving support system — and there is no greater source of love than our families.

Many hardworking professionals are afflicted with the demons of workaholism: the allure of achievement can be intoxicating and ultimately workaholics become estranged from their loved ones. They work harder and harder to ease the pain of insecurity or to earn their worth. Ultimately, they find themselves alone and even more distressed. They become even more driven to dampen the pain and become engaged in a downward spiral of unhappiness.

John D. Kelly IV

For one to successfully embrace the stressors of a career in orthopedic surgery, a rich family life is essential. In the words of Morrie Schwartz from Tuesdays with Morrie, our families are our true “spiritual security.” They can be our anchors during the rough weather of work demands.

We enter and leave this world as part of a family. The extent to which we value family life will largely determine the quality of our lives. When we are old and near the end of life, will our families be there for us? The answer depends on us.

Great family cultures just do not happen; they result from a conscious decision to value family life. If we truly value our families, we will sow the seeds of a rich family culture during our lifetimes. When we decide to prioritize and extend love to our families, we will be blessed in return by a lifetime of steadfast support system.

With increasing work demands, the quality of family life suffers. In an effort to become “good providers” many well-intentioned orthopedic surgeons have simply neglected their spouses and children. This decision is shortsighted. It is truly difficult to attain any measure of real happiness when one is estranged from his or her family. In a previous column, I discussed the importance of marriage and how investing in marriage is the single most effective decision one can make toward lasting peace. The extent we prioritize marriage largely defines our happiness. The foundation of any good family is a great marriage.

The demands of orthopedic surgery can be overwhelming and our families are often the “collateral damage.” Most of us see ourselves as providers for the family and we push ourselves harder to maintain our standard of living. We must be continually developing an awareness of what we are doing (or not) to our families. If we neglect our loved ones, in time we will grow apart from them.

Truly productive workers give to others from their abundance. Likewise, a rich family life fuels success and is not an obstacle to it. Devotion and attention to family unity promotes achievement.

Unconditional love

When our batteries are charged with the security of a close, loving family, we can meet the world’s obstacles with the spiritual security and confidence that knowing we are loved can only bring. Our family nourishes our souls with what every human craves — unconditional love They provide us with a security that worldly acclaim cannot provide. They will be the ones at our bedside in our final days and they will be with us during the lawsuits, the infections and the other practice woes.

Children observe everything we do — and our actions speak louder than words. We simply cannot say “I love you,” yet appear emotionally distant or make no attempt to attend important events in our children’s lives. I am convinced that children want little more than our presence. You may think the paper you write, the award you receive or the position you attain will be your mark on the world — hardly. Your children are your real marks on the world. They reflect your values and can make substantial contributions to the world in a life of service.

Compare, the satisfaction you may receive from a “top-doc” recognition to the peace you may feel from knowing that your teenage daughter is certain you love her and that you are truly significant in her life. What joy compares to knowing that your family looks forward to you coming home. The security of feeling connection and love from family cannot be attained with achievement or possessions. The love of a spouse and children will enable to you to fulfill your dreams and give to others like no other force in the Universe. With a soul filled with the love of a family, you will want to give more to your patients, students and science.

Suggestions

• Write a script of what you want your spouse and children to say about you to others. How aligned are you to this vision?
• Create family traditions that are ironclad. Really go overboard with birthdays. Remind your children that their births were truly landmark events in your life.
• Schedule important family events into your schedule and let your secretary know that these events are, with rare exception, non-negotiable.
• Prioritize the family dinner. Data indicate that family meals help protect children against the allure of substance abuse.
• Treasure one-on-one time with children. Take one child to a conference. Every day ask each child, “How was your day?” Then simply give them space and be silent for a few seconds. Your loving presence will, in time, encourage openness and intimacy.

If it means making a little less this year to be more present to your families, do it! Your family’s standard of living is determined not by what you earn, but by what you give.

Remember, nobody on a death bed wished he or she worked more, and you don’t see U-Hauls following hearses. We want more than anything to be remembered as a good parent and a good spouse. Sow the seeds of a rich family culture, now. Your life and career depend on it.

For more information:

• John D. Kelly IV, MD, can be reached at University of Pennsylvania, Dept. of Sports Medicine 235 S 33rd St., Philadelphia, Pa. 19104-6322; 215-615-4400; e-mail: johndkellyiv@aol.com.

I’m trying to see the good side of life. I’m trying to see that life is worthwhile. That I’m a lucky person because I’m breathing, I have enough to eat and drink and I have people around me who love me.

What is most difficult is to let go of illusions. Accepting life the way it is. Accepting that your life is not so bad. Appreciate what you have and not long for what you don’t have.

Like they say: when you are handed lemons, make lemonade.

I just hope that we get used to the bitter taste of lemonade made with just water and lemons… cause without sugar…

I’m at a point in my life where I need to rethink everything. As a young woman, I had dreams, like everybody else. To me, life was simple. I grew up never feeling like I really had a home or a family. It hurts my mother deeply when I say this. She worked as hard as she could to create a home for us. But to me it wasn’t enough. She met a wonderful man and he filled in a place my dad never wanted to fill. But he wasn’t my dad. The one who was supposed to love me unconditionnally did not. I spent my whole teenage life longing for something else. For a family of my own. I knew I would love my kids unconditionally. I wanted to find a dad that would love them just the same. I wanted to find a man who would never leave, me or his kids.  Career wise, I did not care about fame and fortune. I wanted to find a fulfilling job. One that would give me enough money to live and enough time to devote to my family.

Things just didn’t turn out this way. I was blinded by wanting this family, so much so that I forgot to choose carefully. I recreated for my daughter a situation just as bad as the one I went through. Her dad took off when I was pregnant.  She feels left out, just like I did … and still do. I tried, like my mother did, to make up for this. I tried to be extremely present. But it wasn’t it. I had nobody to share the joy and the pain with. I was surviving. Struggling. I found a job that was exactly what I had planned. It gave me enough money to put food on the table and enough time to be present. But that’s all I had. No one loved me and my daughter enough… something was missing.

This time, I found a man who embodies everything that I should have looked for in the first place. But I’m just too late. The dream I had of a family, he has had already. Even though his family is broken, it satisfies him. It’s not what he is looking for anymore. The sadness I feel right now is immense. I feel lost. Completely and uterly lost. I will never be the type of mother and wife I wanted to be. I would need to focus on a career that fulfills me, but I just don’t care about that. I don’t want to value myself by how much money I make . I don’t want to wait for a boss to tell me I’m doing a good job. I want to feel it every day because my daughter is happy. Because my husband comes home every day. Because my newborn baby looks up at me and needs me.

I was heartbroken when everything fell apart with my ex. But never as much as I am right now. I still had hopes back then. I still thought that a family was possible. I know that what I have is a sort of family. But it will never be it. When my daughter graduates from universtity, I will be the only one with that immense sense of pride.  Yes, my man will feel happy for her, but never the way he will feel when his own son will graduate. We will both be grandparents, but separately. He will share his joys with his ex, the mother of his child. The one he lived the birth of his son with. They will share this feeling. They will know exactly how the other person feels. I will never have that. My daughter will never have real sibblings. She will never share that bond with anybody else. His son will, he already has a brother, a real one.

I know I should not place those barriers. Stepfamilies work out all the time. To my man, his failure came at the end of his marriage. Mine is happening every day. I will never get my second chance. It is just too late. My life will consist of doing my best for my daughter and being the best stepmom I can be. To love my man as much as I can. But I will never be content. Every day is just another day.  I don’t look forward to anything. I just live because I’m still breathing….

This entry really made me think. When do I actually know I’ve recovered and what does it mean exactl? I’ve been struggling with depression for a few months now and things are looking up, but I don’t know if I’ve recovered. I really don’t know what it means and when I’ll know it’s over. I’ve started thinking that maybe recovery is not something I should look for but rather, depression is part of who I am and that trying to have a better life is more of a life mission than a cure.

From Depression Through Recovery to Life as Creative Experience

I think of recovery as a slow process of change that aims at replacing depression with a new responsiveness to life. A key part of it for me has been deciding that I would not think of myself as always in recovery. Recovery would be the method for getting back to life. As Mary Parker Follett put it, the essence of life is creative experience – the constant interplay between the best we can put into life and all that it gives back to enrich who we are. I couldn’t imagine getting to that point if I thought of recovery as it’s defined in the prevailing medical model.

According to this model, a condition like major depression continues through life, though possibly “in remission.” Recovery means reducing the impact of the illness on daily living through ongoing treatment using medication and therapy. For me that would mean living the rest of my life with major depression, but its symptoms would be managed effectively. As I’ve written before, this sort of recovery is not for me. It’s a way of crippling expectations about my life – much the way depression itself does.

Perpetual recovery is not my goal, but recovery is nevertheless an essential step in restarting life.

I think of the process I’ve been through in terms of three separate types of awareness: the deadly stillness of depression, the reawakening of recovery and the creative experience of life itself.

Read more: http://www.storiedmind.com/2009/12/12/depression-recovery-life/comment-page-1/#comment-7069

I haven’t been able to write for the last couple of days. Any topic just depresses me. Everything seems so difficult. I’m wondering right now, how much can one person take. I see and hear about people who have gone through really, truly horrific things in their lives and they seem to be able to get over it. In my case, nothing horrific is going on but just a series of little crappy events that bring me down every time.

Finances, kids, family, relationship troubles… it just never seems to end. I feel as though my entire body is on automatic pilot. Still functionning but no one know how it’s even possible. It’s like the power is off but the tv is still on and nobody can figure it out. My life is like a series of failures, one after another and no matter how hard I try, everything comes back to a failure. Once one issue seems to be better, something else shows up and I just can’t deal with it. I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know how to make anything better. I don’t know where to start. I just keep on going for the sake of my daughter.

Right now my days are mostly sleep. For so long I have been unable to find sleep and now that I can, I seem to sleep all the time. It’s as if I want to sleep long enough for the days to go by. I want to my days to have the least hours possible. This way nothing new can fall on my head. Nothing else will be able to happen in that short amount of time. Yet, it still does.

Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I work my but off but the bank thinks I’m not good enough. I bust my butt at home to make sure everybody has what they need, that our home is welcoming, that everybody feels taken care of and it’s still not enough… nothing I do is ever enough. Yet I keep on doing all of that. I just don’t know how to keep going anymore. This situation is not killing me, it has killed me. It has killed my spirit. I don’t even know how or what I am anymore. I don’t know how to go on…

Alrighty, I’ll try this one. But I’ll try to be the wise woman, because right now, I’m still fluttering between stages one and two according to this article.

I apologize for everything all the time, at other times I feel so mad that I refuse to apologize. Let’s see if this helps my anxiety!

Health Benefits of a Sincere Apology

We all know the feeling. You gossiped and the person found out. You helped yourself to something that wasn’t yours (such as someone’s spouse). You stole. You lied. You read your child’s diary. It never sits quite right — you toss, you turn in bed, you have that sinking feeling in your chest, you eat, you drink too much, you get headaches.

Carol Orsborn, PhD, a research associate at UCLA and author of 15 books including Nothing Left Unsaid: Words to Help You and Your Loved Ones Through the Hardest Times and The Silver Pearl: Our Generation’s Journey to Wisdom, tells WebMD about a woman she met while writing the latter book.

Barbara, age 50, was going through a divorce and her brother was her mainstay, talking her through lonely nights on the phone. Then she met the man of her dreams and moved away. She got so swept up in her new life, she put her brother on the backburner. She missed his birthday.

That’s when the sleepless nights began. She was embarrassed to even call. She knew he would be hurt — but would he be angry? Eventually, she picked up the phone. Yes, he was hurt, but he said he understood. She started sleeping again — and talking to her brother.

Orsborn surveyed 100 women in the baby boomer group for The Silver Pearl. “These were women who were role models with a positive attitude, whether or not they had any money,” she says.

A key characteristic was their ability and willingness to clear up unfinished business, she notes.

 http://women.webmd.com/guide/health-benefits-of-sincere-apology?ecd=wnl_wmh_112309

I’ve always been a passionate person. Whether it be for my job, for a hobby or in a relationship. I start out so passionate and so intense. If you hire me, I’m your best salesperson. The problem is, that passion fades… Then I become bored.

I’ve been wondering how to change this. I want to learn to enjoy life’s daily little pleasures and not just long for intensity. I’ve always felt the happiest when things are intense. I’ve longed for big shows of affection. I’m satisfied in relationships when the other person is demonstrative, intensely demonstrative. When I get sent hugh bouquet of flowers. When he grabs me and dances in a restaurant in front of everyone. To me these big gestures meant love. I’m learning that this might not be the case. Love may be the person who stands by you, even when you’re annoying. But I still long for those intense moments.

With others, I’m the same way. I look for those huge compliments at work. I look for huge recognition from students and employers. I’m at my happiest in huge moments like Christmas and birthdays. I’m at my happiest when I’m the host of the party and I feel appreciated. But these moments are not only scarce, they are often not the way I want them to be.

This Christmas will be the saddest I’ve ever had. Finding the strength to still see the excitement in it is so difficult. I long for that day to be happy but I just don’t know what that is anymore. I feel passion for nothing anymore. I feel like passion is what is hurting me and I don’t want to feel passionate anymore. I just don’t know how to go from this intense, passionate personality to the person who accepts life, accepts what she cannot change and can still find ways to enjoy life. I just don’t know how to become that person…

I’m at this point in my relationship where the illusions of a fairy tale start to fade. When you first meet someone, you dream of the fairy tale, not the routine and the daily life. Lots of stuff is being thrown our way. We love each other very much but everything is difficult, everything is a long tedious discussion. Because we do love each other, we look for solutions but the difficult part for me right now is losing this dreamy phase. It’s not the romantic ending I was looking for. I don’t dream of weddings and wedding dresses anymore. I don’t dream of little kids running around calling for mommy and daddy. We both have kids of our own. He was married before. We have to deal with homework and meals and the ex. It’s like Cinderella left her evil stepmother, only to go clean another castle.

I wish someone had warned me. I wished someone had told me that you can love someone so deeply and not live the fairy tale. That it’s that love that will make you both stronger. I found this article very interesting. I think everyone should read it before they get into any kind of relationship. Dreaming is all nice, but when you are sitting high up on a cloud, it makes it that much higher of a fall when you get off. I wish I had been a little more realistic… it wouldn’t hurt so much…

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

WebMD Feature from “Redbook” Magazine

By Ylonda Gault Caviness

The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we all face after marriage, and how they teach us about what love really means.

“…And they lived happily ever after.”

You’re smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you’re the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I’ve been there. Let’s face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain’t always pretty.

That may sound grim. But here’s a secret: Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you’ll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.

Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That’s when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s better than any fairy tale.

2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes work,” you assume “work” means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you’re pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn’t mean you’re done — it just means you’ve advanced to graduate-level studies. That’s because every time you think you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

“It’s like losing weight,” says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. “You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it’s a lifestyle. That’s marriage. The effort is a forever thing.” So don’t be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you’re struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds “Never go to bed angry” doesn’t know what it’s like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I’ve got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I’ve found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you’re angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you’re both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. “This was a huge lesson for me,” says Andrea. “As women we’ve been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I’d let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day.”

4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that’s okay.

There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don’t say this because I know he may read this article. I’ve seen women checking him out when they think I’m not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don’t have to sneak a peek. I don’t mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don’t feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can’t lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he’s not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don’t do it. And then a few more. And…

Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn’t a sign that you’ve lost your mojo or that you’ll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don’t know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)

And don’t kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you “should” be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. “I used to think, What’s happened to us? We always used to be in the mood,” says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who’s been married for five years. “Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we’re good.”

The key is to make sure that even if you’re not doing “it,” you’re still doing something — touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we’re not having spine-tingling sex.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It’s really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It’s just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more “right” I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he’s right most of the time (go figure!). So we’d lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together. continued…

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband’s. “I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage,” says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. “Now I see that I’m not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There’s more gray in life than I thought, and that’s taught me patience and the value of compromise.”

The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn’t mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, “I see your point” or “I hadn’t considered that.” After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I’m being heard, most of the time now, I don’t even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

6. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don’t just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won’t break us; they’ll only make us stronger.

7. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the ’80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich’s android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.

7. You’ll realize that you can only change yourself. continued…

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

Here’s a perfect case in point: “I used to go off on my husband because he didn’t empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen,” says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. “It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I’m like, ‘Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.’”

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you’re really made of.

I’ve got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I’m sure, that I’ve yet to fully discover. I guess I’ve always known I wasn’t perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I’ve been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, “I’ll call you at 8.” Then, just to try to trip me up, he’d call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn’t figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn’t happen.

I’d like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I’ve come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I’ve had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.

I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby’s deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you’ll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you’re learning to do with him.

That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/8-things-no-one-tells-you-marriage

Don’t Fall for These 6 Happiness Myths; Learn How to Overcome Them

If you’d like to be happier — who wouldn’t? — the first step may be to challenge your own views about happiness.

Maybe you think that to be happier, you need more than you have now — more freedom, more money, more love … fill in the blank. Or maybe you’ve convinced yourself that this is as good as it gets.

Such beliefs may be more myth than fact. Although a myth usually contains a kernel of truth, it can also sprout and grow, spreading seeds of doubt that can ultimately crowd out your own growth.

Here are six common myths about happiness that may actually be downsizing your happiness. The truth may set you free for a happier life, starting right now.

Read more: http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/happiness-6-myths-and-truths