Since I moved out, I find that I have more energy. I don’t sleep as much or at all during the day and I am actually making plans, keeping myself busy and taking care of myself. Could distancing myself from my relationship have caused that? The article also mentions the importance of communication though, and in that sense, we are absolutely horrible, me and D. with this. We don’t really talk. We never solve problems. Everything I say is always seen as a critique and it only helps to keep us apart more and more. We actually seem happier when we DON’T spend time together… could that mean something? Here the article that caused this reflection.

Healthy Relationships Create Healthy Life!

Is your relationship with your significant other, mother, father, or friend making you sick? Believe it or not, there’s scientific evidence to suggest that our relationships can actually contribute to illness. Therefore, in order to achieve a healthy life, it is important to make our relationships healthy.

There have been studies to suggest that people who are married often tend to live longer. Experts reason that marriage provides a nurturing environment for individuals, enabling them to better fight off disease. The support of a loving spouse can make all the difference in the world, especially when one is facing a serious illness.

Maintaining healthy relationships can help to lower our stress. Stress is considered to be an important contributing factor for illness. By improving our relationships with other peopleparticularly with family memberswe can cut down on the stress which can sap our strength, making it difficult for us to ward off infections.

But it is not enough to know that healthy relationships can make us healthier. It is also critically important to know exactly how we can ensure that our relationships are healthy. Psychologists contend that the key ingredient of a healthy relationship is communication. Unless we feel safe to communicate our feelings, we will be unable to thrive in our relationships. If you don’t like to confront people, you might find it more difficult to communicate. Therefore, you must learn effective communication skills.

Before you can communicate in your relationships, you must know your goals and desires. In other words, you have to know what you want before you can articulate it to another person. You should try to keep an open mind, listening carefully to what the other person has to say. If you are bothered by a person’s behavior, try to avoid saying something like, “You are always late.” Instead, say something to the effect that, “When you are out and I don’t hear back from you, I worry.” That way, you are telling the other person how his or her behavior makes you feel. It is also vitally important that you admit your mistakes and apologize for them. Such a simple action shows that you are really concerned about the other person’s feelings.

Healthy relationships also depend upon setting limits for yourself, and respecting the limits of other people. You should never tolerate abuse in a relationship, whether it is emotional abuse or physical abuse. At the first warning signs, you should seek distance from the abuser. Such distance is critical for your emotional well-being and long-term health.

Ray Kelly is an Exercise Scientist with 15 years experience in the health and fitness industry. Check out his Biggest Loser Australia Review or http://www.free-online-health.com

One of the things that is the toughest for me right now, is to find new goals for my life. I always thought that my life was going to be: meet some great guy, have children and enjoy my family. Things are a bit different right now. I have met this great guy but babies are no longer in my future and the family is quite different… Professionally I choose a job I like but mostly chose it because it allowed me to spend more time with my daughter and was good for my future family. I did not see some great future or goals in this career…

I had not dreamed of visiting countries or learning anything specific because my life goals were so clear cut and simple. The rest to me, if it happened (like a trip for example) was just a bonus. I lived my life wating for this family to happen instead of enjoying the family I did have and the life I had already.

I read this article my mother forwarded to me where the author talked about creating a life list. I found this great website that allows to create a life list and even share with others. What is most important in creating this list is to not see it as a goal to be reached no matter what. What the author mentionned is to reassess this list at least every year. She mentionned that if you goal is learn german but that you hate every minute of the german class, that goal should be removed. The point is to have dreams, things you would like to have done when your time is up. But the point is not to make yourself miserable by feeling unfulfilled if the list is not completed.

I have created my list. I’m not sure how much access you guys have to my list. I’ll have to verify that but please feel free to take a look at it if you can. I strongly encourage you to do the same and start trying to cross things off your list. I keep adding to it and some stuff I’ll probably never do. But I’m discovering things I’d like to do, things I like, things that I can dream about and look forward to.

http://www.mylifelist.org/Home.aspx

I’m very “reflective” today. Thinking about what might have caused my depression and the break-up of my stepfamily. I have decieded to finish reading Stepmonsters, a book about stepmothers, even though I am no longer a stepmom. I’m almost at the end of the book and I have to say that it does help me reflect on what happened. There is a section where she talks about rumination and that really got to me.

What the author, Wednesday Martin explains, we stepmothers tend to ruminate about stuff that happens. One event makes us remember another painful event until it goes around and around in circle and it engulfs us completely. That is one of the things that kept happening to me. The other issue she talks about is feeling completely alone. That’s how I felt. I did not feel support from my man and I did not think he understood. People around me were supportive but did not really understand.

I am slowly accepting that this adventure is over for the right reasons. That I did not fail. That I did everything I could but it just didn’t work out and that getting out of this life was the best decision for everyone. I have see proof of this every single day since I have left. My daughter is happier. She does not seem as stressed. I am sleeping and eating right. My anxiety is almost completely gone and I feel like taking steps towards making my life better. I have been able to deal with conflicts much easier. I have been able to step up for myself and express myself to my man and he actually seems to understand! He also seems a lot more relaxed around me and things are much easier.

We have decided to go away for the weekend, just the two of us. We used to enjoy those weekends but as time went by, they got worse and worse. We just could not get away from our life. I wonder how it will be this time. I am hopeful that we will simply appreciate each other’s company and have a good time… it has been a long time since we had a good time together. We love each other, that I am sure of. Our lives are just not compatible right now. But I do hope that one day, we will be able to live together again. But for now, this is great and seems to be working!

A very short entry today.

I am finally settled in my new home. I have stopped waking up in the middle of the night and feeling completely lost. I would wake up and wonder where I was. Now, this is feeling like my little nest. Not a home but a sanctuary. I feel safe here. I feel like I can recover here. Like I can move on, like I can find myself.

I miss D. very much. His daily presence was reassuring and made me feel as though I was not alone. But the negative issues that came with it were just too much. I realise now that I forgot about myself completely when I lived with him. I simply went into this mode where I tried to take care of everyone but myself. I tried to fix the issues with his ex and with his child and became way too emotionally involved with all of it. I am slowly letting go. I have decided that it is not up to me to fix stuff for him anymore. I also know that it does not have to affect me and that I deserve respect. And I will demand it from now on.

Things with D. are a lot easier but I am still riddled with fear. I wonder if our old problems will resurface. If we can have a relationship where I feel cherished and most of all respected. Where we are truthful and loving… I am very afraid that he will become so independant and will not think of me. Too often I feel like I’m only there to fill the holes in his life, I get the leftovers. But I will work on asking for what I need. Not sulking, stating what is right for me and what is not.

So, right now, I’m enjoying nesting, fixing up my little santuary to make it feel as cozy as I can for my daugter and myself. I will be reading a lot in the next few weeks as well, something I never had the energy to do. I want to read books that will help me appreciate life and fix up stuff about myself. Then, I will have to think of fixing up my career and what I will do for the rest of my life.

For once, I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train! It may actually be the sun coming out!!!

I feel a little weird in this new appartment this morning. D. is coming over for supper… it also feels weird…

I am slowly adapting to this place. I wake up at night and sometimes wonder where I am and how come my bed is empty… why he is not here…. I have been feeling sick this last week and very weak. I wish he was here to comfort me and make me feel better. I wish he was here to help so that I would not be a single mom, once again, having to do everything on my own because nobody is there.

But, on the other hand, I feel free. There is no fighting here. No stress. No axiety. I have not had any anxiety attacks in days! I have not even felt depressed or cried. I hope it is not because I am too busy setting up this place… but I think it is good for me to be here alone.

I don’t know how our relationship will continue. I feel like an old lady that was placed in a home by her family. She had become too much of a burden and everyone thought it was for the best for her to be placed somewhere safer. For her sake and theirs. Of course, they will visit… but she still feels alone. Safe, but so alone. This appartment is neat. It has everything I need but it is not and will never be a home.

I am trying to focus on me and my daughter. I grocery shopped for our favourite foods and I even did my nails yesterday! I know, it sounds really ridiculous but taking care of myself has been nonexistent for the last few months. Showering was a huge task so!

I don’t have any plans for the future and I don’t want to have any. I have my next few weeks planned and that’s it. I don’t want to think of anything further. Eventually I will have to think about work. Part of me wants to try something completely new. I don’t know if teaching is for me anymore. I don’t know if I have the energy. What’s great about my degree is that I can always try something else and go back if I want.

I’ll start looking in a few months for something else. Something completely different to throw myself into. I would love something in publishing. I am finishing an article for a magazine today and I just love writing. This is also what this blog is all about. So if I could find something along that line… I just don’t know.

I’m seeing my doctor today and I will probably still be on sick leave for another few months. I am recovering, I think… finally! But I am far from recovered,especially with this separation. But I feel like things can finally get better. Getting back to basics.

But I sill feel alone. I still miss him. I still miss having a family and people to surround me every day. I wonder if this is my life! Taking care of my daughter, being by myself and seeing people from time to time? The rest of my life will be work? I don’t know… I’m still thinking!

I was going through depression before separating so I wonder how this new event will affect my depression. The constant fighting and dissapointments probably did not help… It’s only been a couple of days but I have already applied some of the tips found in this blog entry… before I had even read the article

I especially like the self-esteem file, which I will start! I will email a few people today and ask them for my 10 qualities…

You may be wondering why I’m talking about getting over divorce if my and my man are still going to see each other… because it feels like it anyway. It’s a kind of failure for me that the family and couple we tried to create did not work out… I feel just as if it is over. As if I am starting over. We have to rebuild our relationship on new ground…

12 Depression Busters for DivorceTuesday March 9, 2010

Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!

1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).

I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.

The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment–all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn’t mean her life was over.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

In her book “Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again,” psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.

Clean Out and Organize

Today is my birthday but I really see nothing to celebrate. I feel right now, as if my whole life is a failure. The family I always wanted to have does not exist, my relationship is unsatisfaying to say the least and career wise… ouf, let’s not even talk about it. I’m 32 years old. To many that seems like I have a lot of years ahead of me, but I don’t know if it’s the depression talking but I see those 32 years as wasted. Years learning lessons if we want to see it in a positive light but with all these life lessons, you would think my life would feel a little bit more fulfilling.

Sorry, depressing a bit today but that’s how I feel. Nostalgic of how life could have been. Depressed with how much work is needed to make it better… I just can’t wait for this day to be over so I can go on with my boring, daily routines. When I’m doing laudry or cooking supper, I at least feel like I serve a purpose in this life. Today, if I try to look at my life, I see nothing good…

As I try to figure out how to rebuild my life I have come to a realisation. I’m exhausted because I keep trying to teach others to change. I keep hoping and wishing that others will get it, that they will treat me the way I want to be treated. It never happens and that creates resentment, pain and sadness. As read more and more books and keep on with my therapy and I have realised that this method has never worked for me. I have therefore set two new goals for myself:

I will stop doing things for others, hoping to get recognition or appreciation. I will evaluate the things I do and ask myself if Iwant to this for the other person because it makes me happy or because I feel like I need to. This sense of obligation just makes me resentful when it is not recognized or appreciated. This one will not be an easy one to apply because saying no is difficult. I like helping others and most of the time, it makes me feel happy to do it. But if my actions stem from some kind of feeling of obligation, if I feel like I have no choice, if guilt or fear of hurting the other person by saying no is what drives me, it will only create resentment. I’m happy to help a friend move, I’m happy to do the laundry for my family because I love them. I don’t feel resentful and I don’ t get angry for doing it. It does not create a buildup of resentment that will later on explode. But I will learn to say no. I will not put my life aside and make myself miserable just because I want to please others… alright, I know, easier said than done. But it’s a start!

I will teach others how to treat me. I have, for too long reacted in the same way. I get angry, voice my emotions, hurt the people around me when my tyrade, but in the end, I give up and do what people want. I have therefore taught people that it is most of the time, scary to ask me something but that if they wait it out, I’ll give in. This of course are for things that have an impact on me. I’m not talking about asking for a glass of water here! It is asking for a sacrifice, for me to put something I love or like aside for the benefit of somebody else. This is the way I fight with my man as well. It does not lead to a compromise, it leads to him being afraid to talk to me and me feeling like crap after blowing up and giving in. Then comes the resentment because I feel cheated even though I’m the one who gave in and the next time I am asked something, it blows up. I will therefore respect myself. I’ll take a time out when something is requested and see how I feel about it. I will decide of an option that is best for me and I will trust that my man loves me enough to either find a compromise that fits both his needs and mine or will respect how I feel. I will also trust that he will still love me, even though I am not doing exactly what he wants.

All of this is not as clear as I would like it to be. But basically it means respecting myself so that I teach others to respect me. I have to start somewhere and the only person I can really work on is myself!

I’m trying to see the good side of life. I’m trying to see that life is worthwhile. That I’m a lucky person because I’m breathing, I have enough to eat and drink and I have people around me who love me.

What is most difficult is to let go of illusions. Accepting life the way it is. Accepting that your life is not so bad. Appreciate what you have and not long for what you don’t have.

Like they say: when you are handed lemons, make lemonade.

I just hope that we get used to the bitter taste of lemonade made with just water and lemons… cause without sugar…

I’m about to leave for my second therapy session. I have tried many therapists before and nothing has ever worked for me. But after spending months at home trying to figure out what is wrong with me, how I’m functionning, I think I finally have a better idea of what I need to work on. Before, going to a therapists was just a really expensive way to vent my frustrations. I could have done that with friends or family for free! Now I see that it can be different.

There are many different types of therapy as well, which I didn’t know about. I have read a little about that and found the type of therapy that I felt the most at ease with. I don’t know that this will actually make a difference, but at least this time I feel like I took control of my therapy, that I’m not just waiting for a miracle to happen.

Here are the different types of therapies I have read about… if it can help anyone out there

http://mcgraw-hill.co.uk/openup/approach/