Posts Tagged ‘getting over depression’

Today is my birthday but I really see nothing to celebrate. I feel right now, as if my whole life is a failure. The family I always wanted to have does not exist, my relationship is unsatisfaying to say the least and career wise… ouf, let’s not even talk about it. I’m 32 years old. To many that seems like I have a lot of years ahead of me, but I don’t know if it’s the depression talking but I see those 32 years as wasted. Years learning lessons if we want to see it in a positive light but with all these life lessons, you would think my life would feel a little bit more fulfilling.

Sorry, depressing a bit today but that’s how I feel. Nostalgic of how life could have been. Depressed with how much work is needed to make it better… I just can’t wait for this day to be over so I can go on with my boring, daily routines. When I’m doing laudry or cooking supper, I at least feel like I serve a purpose in this life. Today, if I try to look at my life, I see nothing good…

As I try to figure out how to rebuild my life I have come to a realisation. I’m exhausted because I keep trying to teach others to change. I keep hoping and wishing that others will get it, that they will treat me the way I want to be treated. It never happens and that creates resentment, pain and sadness. As read more and more books and keep on with my therapy and I have realised that this method has never worked for me. I have therefore set two new goals for myself:

I will stop doing things for others, hoping to get recognition or appreciation. I will evaluate the things I do and ask myself if Iwant to this for the other person because it makes me happy or because I feel like I need to. This sense of obligation just makes me resentful when it is not recognized or appreciated. This one will not be an easy one to apply because saying no is difficult. I like helping others and most of the time, it makes me feel happy to do it. But if my actions stem from some kind of feeling of obligation, if I feel like I have no choice, if guilt or fear of hurting the other person by saying no is what drives me, it will only create resentment. I’m happy to help a friend move, I’m happy to do the laundry for my family because I love them. I don’t feel resentful and I don’ t get angry for doing it. It does not create a buildup of resentment that will later on explode. But I will learn to say no. I will not put my life aside and make myself miserable just because I want to please others… alright, I know, easier said than done. But it’s a start!

I will teach others how to treat me. I have, for too long reacted in the same way. I get angry, voice my emotions, hurt the people around me when my tyrade, but in the end, I give up and do what people want. I have therefore taught people that it is most of the time, scary to ask me something but that if they wait it out, I’ll give in. This of course are for things that have an impact on me. I’m not talking about asking for a glass of water here! It is asking for a sacrifice, for me to put something I love or like aside for the benefit of somebody else. This is the way I fight with my man as well. It does not lead to a compromise, it leads to him being afraid to talk to me and me feeling like crap after blowing up and giving in. Then comes the resentment because I feel cheated even though I’m the one who gave in and the next time I am asked something, it blows up. I will therefore respect myself. I’ll take a time out when something is requested and see how I feel about it. I will decide of an option that is best for me and I will trust that my man loves me enough to either find a compromise that fits both his needs and mine or will respect how I feel. I will also trust that he will still love me, even though I am not doing exactly what he wants.

All of this is not as clear as I would like it to be. But basically it means respecting myself so that I teach others to respect me. I have to start somewhere and the only person I can really work on is myself!

I’m trying to see the good side of life. I’m trying to see that life is worthwhile. That I’m a lucky person because I’m breathing, I have enough to eat and drink and I have people around me who love me.

What is most difficult is to let go of illusions. Accepting life the way it is. Accepting that your life is not so bad. Appreciate what you have and not long for what you don’t have.

Like they say: when you are handed lemons, make lemonade.

I just hope that we get used to the bitter taste of lemonade made with just water and lemons… cause without sugar…

I’m about to leave for my second therapy session. I have tried many therapists before and nothing has ever worked for me. But after spending months at home trying to figure out what is wrong with me, how I’m functionning, I think I finally have a better idea of what I need to work on. Before, going to a therapists was just a really expensive way to vent my frustrations. I could have done that with friends or family for free! Now I see that it can be different.

There are many different types of therapy as well, which I didn’t know about. I have read a little about that and found the type of therapy that I felt the most at ease with. I don’t know that this will actually make a difference, but at least this time I feel like I took control of my therapy, that I’m not just waiting for a miracle to happen.

Here are the different types of therapies I have read about… if it can help anyone out there

http://mcgraw-hill.co.uk/openup/approach/

This entry really made me think. When do I actually know I’ve recovered and what does it mean exactl? I’ve been struggling with depression for a few months now and things are looking up, but I don’t know if I’ve recovered. I really don’t know what it means and when I’ll know it’s over. I’ve started thinking that maybe recovery is not something I should look for but rather, depression is part of who I am and that trying to have a better life is more of a life mission than a cure.

From Depression Through Recovery to Life as Creative Experience

I think of recovery as a slow process of change that aims at replacing depression with a new responsiveness to life. A key part of it for me has been deciding that I would not think of myself as always in recovery. Recovery would be the method for getting back to life. As Mary Parker Follett put it, the essence of life is creative experience – the constant interplay between the best we can put into life and all that it gives back to enrich who we are. I couldn’t imagine getting to that point if I thought of recovery as it’s defined in the prevailing medical model.

According to this model, a condition like major depression continues through life, though possibly “in remission.” Recovery means reducing the impact of the illness on daily living through ongoing treatment using medication and therapy. For me that would mean living the rest of my life with major depression, but its symptoms would be managed effectively. As I’ve written before, this sort of recovery is not for me. It’s a way of crippling expectations about my life – much the way depression itself does.

Perpetual recovery is not my goal, but recovery is nevertheless an essential step in restarting life.

I think of the process I’ve been through in terms of three separate types of awareness: the deadly stillness of depression, the reawakening of recovery and the creative experience of life itself.

Read more: http://www.storiedmind.com/2009/12/12/depression-recovery-life/comment-page-1/#comment-7069

I’m actually feeling happy today. I can actually look at things positively. I am looking foward to some things and I see a real change, something concrete.

I have set objectives for myself for work. I don’t know whether it will actually work but having a plan actually helps! My relationship is better. Granted, it has only been a week since our last fight but things seem really different now. My daughter seems happier and I can see a bit of light at the end of all this darkness.

I am working really hard at controlling my emotions and not letting them control me. I still feel sad, angry and hurt but I try to calm down and express them properly. I don’t think I’ll be able to do this all the time but at least I am trying.

So I have set a few objectives for myself:

1) Find a job that satisfies me

2) Have a healthy and happy relationship with my man

3) Have a healthy and happy family (I still have to work out my definition of family but…)

4) Be debt free by next year and not live off credit cards again!

5) Do things that make me happy!

Seems like a lot but I simply want to reach these objectives one day. I have my whole life to reach them!

I haven’t been able to write for the last couple of days. Any topic just depresses me. Everything seems so difficult. I’m wondering right now, how much can one person take. I see and hear about people who have gone through really, truly horrific things in their lives and they seem to be able to get over it. In my case, nothing horrific is going on but just a series of little crappy events that bring me down every time.

Finances, kids, family, relationship troubles… it just never seems to end. I feel as though my entire body is on automatic pilot. Still functionning but no one know how it’s even possible. It’s like the power is off but the tv is still on and nobody can figure it out. My life is like a series of failures, one after another and no matter how hard I try, everything comes back to a failure. Once one issue seems to be better, something else shows up and I just can’t deal with it. I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know how to make anything better. I don’t know where to start. I just keep on going for the sake of my daughter.

Right now my days are mostly sleep. For so long I have been unable to find sleep and now that I can, I seem to sleep all the time. It’s as if I want to sleep long enough for the days to go by. I want to my days to have the least hours possible. This way nothing new can fall on my head. Nothing else will be able to happen in that short amount of time. Yet, it still does.

Nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I work my but off but the bank thinks I’m not good enough. I bust my butt at home to make sure everybody has what they need, that our home is welcoming, that everybody feels taken care of and it’s still not enough… nothing I do is ever enough. Yet I keep on doing all of that. I just don’t know how to keep going anymore. This situation is not killing me, it has killed me. It has killed my spirit. I don’t even know how or what I am anymore. I don’t know how to go on…

Queen Victoria was reported to suffer from depression for over 40 years after the death of her husband Prince Albert.

Winston Churchill suffered from bouts of depression and was extremely sensitive to stress.

Edgar Allan Poe suffered from bipolar depression. So was Vincent Van Gogh.

Sylvia Plath also suffered a major depression in her life.

People still don’t understand what depression is like. Don’t they watch the news? Aren’t we all shocked when someone famous commits suicide? They seemed happy, they had money and fame and yet they were hiding the painful truth: things are tough and nobody noticed! I’m not saying this is the case of this lady. She may be using the system to her advantage. We won’t really know. Only she does, and her doctor and maybe, if she’s lucky, her family and friends. It just goes to show that having depression is still something people don’t get. It’s still something you have to prove to everyone.

I have days where I’m happy. Days where I can do my grocery shopping. Does that mean I’m reading to go back to teaching full time? Am I the best person to take care of 180 teenagers? I truly doubt it. Half the time I fell like I’m not taking care of the people around me, let alone myself. Scary Scary… But does that mean I have to write that I’m depressed on my Facebook page every day? Does it mean I have to take pictures of myself when I can’t sleep, eat or function? When I hit rock bottom, should I ask for help or should I post pictures of it online to prove myself?

so frustrating!

Read on to find out what I’m talking about:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/11/20/woman-loses-sick-leave-benefits-for-depression-thanks-to-facebook-pics/

Here are a few more tips I found helpful… or just plain ridiculous from this book I am finishing.

Tip #15: Anti-Depression Menus

I don’t know if this one actually works but apparently, there are some foods that can actually help. Among them are fish, rice, duck and beets. They apparently boost some type of hormone and help you sleep and be in a good mood.

Other foods help boost the dopamine in your system which also helps with depression. These foods include eggs, turkey, seafoods and milk product… I’m not too sure about that one. I eat eggs, turkey and milf product on a regular basis and it has not helped so far!

The book also says that you should be attentive to the presentation of the food which will help boost your moral… I just don’t see how somebody who is depressed actually has the time to be attentive to the presentation of the food but…

Tip #16: Change your decor

That one I actually like. When you are sitting in your home, depressed, changing just one picture or adding a little decoration here or there makes you feel a little better. I’m not sure depressed people will have the energy to repaint a room but adding a little something new can be easy. It may be a good tip for people who want to help people with depression. Bring them a new picture frame or a flower in a new vase to cheer up the room. Often, when we are depressed, we tend to close the blinds, stay on the couch etc. Maybe that can be something that helps…

Tip #17: Exercise

That one makes a lot of sense and everybody keeps telling me, even therapists! But how do you exercise when you have no energy and you don’t sleep. I’d love to have the energy to go jogging or train with weights and have a great body but I just don’t. For now, I am focussing on walking everyday to pick up my daughter at school. It’s a 20-30 minutes walk. I don’t think it’s actual exercise since I am walking with a 7 year old and not walking very fast but it’s at least something that gets me off the couch and moving!

I’ve also tried yoga and it’s great. I just don’t feel like actually doing it most of the time. I tape it on tv because I can’t afford anything else… I’ve also thought about going swimming, which I enjoy… but the problem with all these activities is everything that is needed to get there. To go swimming, I need to change, drive to the pool, pay, get undressed and jump in the pool, by myself… then I need to get changed again and drive back home. All of this is exhausting!!!  I just end up saying… FORGET IT!

I’ll end with this last tip:

Tip #18: Take some time for yourself.

Now that one I really hate! I’m so tired of people saying that to me. What does that mean! With all the stuff I have to do for others, there is almost no time left for myself. The only time left I have right now is due to the fact that I’m home from work. I just don’t get that one. They do mention that we should take at least 15 minutes a day where we shut everything off and just relax. That one I’ll try. Especially before the kids come home from school. I’ll try shutting off the music or tv and just sitting… I’m just afraid of all the thoughts that will come to my mind… but hey, I have to try something no?

More tips to come this week as a continue reading the book!