I have not written for a few days. Things around here are pretty hectic. I’ve tried to pack but don’t even know where to start.

It is official. I officially have an appartment and I am moving in 4 days. Things have all happened fast but it’s for the best. I feel this sense of relief to know that things are changing. Things were so tense and awful here and thinking of the new place gives me some peace.

Me and D. have decided to still see each other. We just think that living together is impossible for now. We raise our children very differently. And both of us are too stubborn to budge. For the first couple of weeks it will pretty much be just the two of us seeing each other. After that, we will see. We hope to still be able to do some activities with the children but not spend all our time together.

I feel relieved to be rid of all the tension and mostly of TOXIC BIO MOM! I will not have to live my life in fear of what she is going to pull next. I will also not have to deal with the tension with my stepson. I hope to develop a relationship with him where I appreaciate him when I see him and appreciate that he is different. He and my daughter get along great so that won’t be too much trouble.

We will also be living on the same street, which will make it easy to see each other. But we will each go back to our places and live our routine life the way we want. I have realised that I like to be in control of my life and I freak out when I’m not controlling. I will try and work on that but at the same time, it will make it easier for me to take baby steps in letting go… not have to change completely right away.

D. has also realised some stuff. He knows he is very independant. He lives in his own world and bubble and he knows that makes it difficult to build a family on that. By not living together, it may help. When he will spend time with us, he will be with us for real and he can be as independant as he wants the rest of the time.

I’m turning a page, starting blank. I have no idea if this will all work out but I do have this strong sense that it is for the best. I can’t wait to start living, for real and not just live in the daily conflict. It took so much energy out of me that I had non for anything else. I want to find myself again. Find pleasure in daily life. For once in my life, I don’t even want to think about the future. Well, I don’t mean at all, I do have a pension plan and everything But I am not living my life waiting for some better future to show up. I want to enjoy life today!

My stepfamily adventures are over and they are not. It’s just going to be a little different. We will be a couple with kids. We will be part-time step something… not parents, not family… I just don’t know how to call it. But it will be that and it WILL BE OK

Well, apparently life has forced me to make a new start. It is officially over with my man. After months and months of fighting, it looks like we both gave up… I gave up I guess because I still feel like he gave up a long time ago.

I don’t know whether I’m unlucky or if men just have that problem but it seems that being in a meaningful relationship is just too hard for some (or all?) of them. I had my doubts too. I even threatened to leave quite a few times and that probably did not help but I refuse to blame myself for this one. I was scared too and yet I always ended up staying. Even though I was terribly unhappy. Even though I needed anti-depressants to continue going on.

This time, I will not take it all on myself. I really tried. I really, truly loved him. I was willing to accept his fault and not try to change him… well at least not too much we women do that a lot. I worked really hard to accept his son and learn to love him as he is. Not judge and think my way was better. It was tough. I had relapses where I felt like lecturing and did lecture, but overall I worked hard at this relationship and the relationship with my stepson.

I worked hard at sharing my time with my daughter and my man. I tried to make both feel like they were loved and were both important. I managed to keep my friends this and still spend time with them even though it was a little bit different. My overnight stays with my best first N. were a bit impossible now that my man shared my bed but we managed to still talk, go out, spend time with our kids and even include my man in our outings from time to time.

This time I did not abandon my friends and family for a man. I had found a man who respected me. What went wrong, I still don’t know. It was hard, yes but nothing got better. I kept hoping that things would get better. That Toxic Bio Mom would get over her rage, that my man would learn to navigate this new life better, that I would deal with my emotions better. I hoped I would one day be as important to him as he was to me. I hope that Christmas would not be such an issue anymore, that he would want to spend it with my and not his ex-wife. That eventually we would find a balance in all this. A place where everyone was comfortable.

But it never happened. He just got more and more stressed. He became more and more angry every time I opened my mouth. He took everything I said as a criticsm. He saw everything as an attack. My emotions were all mashed into one: anger. Whether I was sad, disspointed or angry it did not matter: I was angry and I was giving him crap. That’s all he saw.

I do admit sometimes I did get angry. I’m human and what we went through was tough. But I never felt supported. I was afraid that if anything bad ever happened to me, he would not be there. I dreamed of being on my deathbed and that he would tell me he had to work, or had papers to correct, or his son to pick up or his ex-wife to call back. And I would die alone, without him.

I dreamt so many nights of reaching for him. Asking him to just be there for me… he was never there. More and more he asked me to stop talking. To ignore the problems. The place them under the rug and pretend life was great. He was tired, stressed, didn’t want to deal with all this. That’s apparently not what he had signed up for.

I didn’t know what I had signed up for either. It was a lot harder than I thought. But I was willing to try. I REFUSE to affirm, like him that I was not ready. I was ready. It was just tough. I REFUSE to say, like he did, that we were not meant for each other. We had great times together and could laugh like you wouldn’t believe….

But what really makes a couple? The laughs shared while cooking supper or staying strong and together in the face of conflict? Maybe it’s both…

Now we have neither…

These are two things I believe are essential to a couple, but are indispensable in a stepfamily. I have recently realized that I did not have both in my relationship and that may be why things are so difficult.

I won’t go into too many details but I recently found out I have been lied to for many months. The relationship with my man and his ex has always been complicated and difficult for me to grasps. Turns out that to protect this relationship, my man thought that it was better to lie to me, and her basically. Keeping the peace by telling her everything was my fault and keeping the peace with my by playing innoncent.

You can imagine just how awful and duped I feel right now. Honesty is a big thing for me. I’m very expressive with m feelings and thoughts and everyone can know what I think all the time. But apparently, this side of my personality is difficult to deal with. So for the last few months, I have worked at keeping my thoughts to myself, keeping my feelings to myself. It didn’t work. It made me explode even more when I finally couldn’t keep it in.

If my relationship was based on lies, no wonder I got none of the support I needed. I never felt like he understood, like he considered how I felt in all this. I always felt as if he was waiting for me to change, to adapt. Well that’s all done.

I like myself. I am a good person. I am a hard worker. I am intelligent. I think of others and I like taking care of others. I am talkative, sometimes too much, but it means I like to talk to people. I am interested in many things. I am intelligent and love to learn. I am very maternal with my kids but also with my stepson. I like to make sure they are well taken care of. I am a good girlfriend that like to think of her man and what would make him happy. I am a good daughter that will always be there when he parents need her. I am a good friend who can listen and be there for her friends when they need her. I am pretty and I can be sexy. I am passionate in everything, especially love. I am a romatic and a dreamer. I am not a liar, a hypocrite. I say what I think (of course I am diplomatic and don’t do it on purpose to hurt people).

I lost this person for a while. Well that’s over. Back to me now. Back to who I am. I will no longer try to be the person he wants me to be and I will be myself.

Day 1 of back to myself:

I will take care of myself today by taking a walk and exercising. I will also eat a good meal at lunch today, something healthy.

I will continue reading Stepmonster because it makes me feel really good.

I will go to the library to get some new books, because libraries makes me happy

I will finish the laudry for my family because I like doing things for them, not because I feel obligated.

Enough with the pity party. If he decided to lie, it has nothing to do with me but with issues he has. It does not diminish who I am. I will not let it!!!!

I just found this very interesting article that included a bunch of questions to ask yourself before getting into the whole stepfamily thing… Had I considered these questions before making the big move, I may have prevented this mess…

A woman often enters the stepfamily experience with stars in her eyes. Wrapped in a cloud of love and optimism she confidently floats down the aisle, smiling serenely at the cute little step-angel flower-girls who are absolutely adorable clad in their frilly attire and happily strewing orange blossoms onto the wedding path. A perfect day – hallelujah choruses soaring – heaven on earth! Right? Absolutely…until…the following morning when the very same little step-angels barge into the honeymoon suite, loudly arguing over who will be the first to crawl into bed with daddy, and she realises that this was not exactly what she’d had in mind for her first morning of wedded bliss.

Surely this couldn’t happen to you, right? Well, if you intend to become a stepmother it just might!

To minimise the potential of such a rude awakening the number one suggestion I have for any prospective stepmum is: Look before you leap! Get to know your partner inside-out and spend as much time as possible with him when he is in the company of his kids. Then, be brave, put your emotions aside and take a good, hard lok at reality. How much do you REALLY want to have his children in your life? Remember, if you marry this man, his children and everyone connected with them, will also become a part of YOUR future!

Here are some questions to ask yourself that once answered, will help you make an informed decision:

• How does the love of your life behave when his children are with him? Do you still feel like you are an important person in his world or does he turn into an over-indulgent stranger? Who calls the shots – him or the kids?
• Does he have a civil relationship with his ex, or are they in constant conflict? How are they fighting their battles? Are their disagreements played out through their children?
• Has he worked through the failure of his first marriage or is he still angry or bitter? Does it seem as though he carries a great sense of loss, guilt or resentment?
• How does he feel about the possibility of having more children? Does he embrace the idea, or does he tell you that the number of kids he already has are more than enough?
• Does he have the financial security required to support an expansion of your family should this be on you agenda? Will your income be needed to support his former family as well as the current one?
• What are his expectations of you? Does he want you to become a surrogate mother to his children – someone to deal with all the mothering challenges but has none of the rights?
• How do you envisage your life 5 years from now? Can you see yourself being happy given the restrictions, sacrifices, challenges and complexities that marrying a man with baggage will bring?

If you come up with a positive answer to these questions you stand a fair chance of not falling victim to the 60% second-marriage divorce rate. If not, you’d be well advised to carefully rethink your relationship intentions. All of you – your partner, his children and you – deserve the best. If partnering means one of you needs to make massive sacrifices, the potential for this to cause insurmountable conflict and resentment is too great for a happy outcome. You only live once. Look before you leap!

I’m reading the fabulous book Stepmonster right now and I want to beat myself for not reading it before. You see, before Christmas, things were as tough as they had always been in this stepfamily and with my man and I went online and bought 3 stepfamily books. Most of them were interesting but explained stuff like how difficult it was for his child etc. Things I already knew since I was, myself, a stepchild many years ago. I got that. I know how he feels, at least I can relate… we can never really know exactly how someone feels.

But this book! Wow! It is as if she met me, got me to really express how I felt and then wrote about it. Finally someone understood. I was sitting with my parents the other day, trying to explain why I simply wanted to quit and leave. I talked about how Toxic Bio Mom behaved and infiltrated our lives. They listen but did not get outraged. Then I talked about the tension it creates in our home. How I stress and get anxious every day when my man gets home from work. I wonder what else she has in store for us. What will now be changed in our schedule, who’s birthday we can’t go to because she has something else she wants to do. When there is nothing, I breathe a sigh of relief but when there is something, I freak out. I yell, I cry, I want to roll on the floor and throw a tantrum and yell: this is just not fair!

Supper time is the worst when his son is there. Everybody sits and pretends to be a family when it is clear there are two clans in this house. Whatever my daughter does bugs the hell out of my man and everything his son does just gets on my nerves. And then, comes the bomb. A sentence, seemingly innocent, that brings Toxic Bio Mom back into our live. “Daddy, what did you do with mommy today at work”, “Mommy cuts my sandwiches in little parts when she makes a sandwich” etc. All normal stuff. His son wants to make sure we don’t forget his mom. After 7 years of divorce, after his mom remarried and had another child, there is still that hope that his parents will get back together. He won’t actually say it this way but it’s clear. And then comes my showtime. When he ends his sentence, he looks at me. I feel my man, tense next to me and hold his breath and my daughter stares at me intently. Quick, think. What is the best reaction. What do I say, do? Do I smile, do I pretend I didn’t hear it? Am I making a face right now? Are my eyes showing how hurt I am?

IT IS JUST TOO STRESSFUL. My mother’s solution: why don’t you just ignore it. What do you think I am trying to do? She thinks that if I have more hobbies and stuff to do on my own it will get easier. And what? I live in this house, babysit the kids, do the laudry and pick up after them and when they are in bed, I throw myself into work or hobbies? Euhh… isn’t there the word FAMILY in stepfamily? If what I got is a living partner that helps pay the bills, then why would I have to take care of a FAMILY?

We split up. I was ready to move out. I still am in a way. I just can’t take this life anymore. It is litterally killing me. My man’s solution: let’s go back to the beginning. Exactly what my mother says. We go back to being super busy. He goes back to doing everything his ex tells him to and I do things on my own. Then, I guess we will appreciate the time we will spend together, since there will be so little of it. But… where is the family in all this? Where is my support? I just don’t know if it will work. I have so much work to do on myself that I just don’t see how I can say no to this solution. I want to distance myself from Toxic Bio Mom and even from my stepson. I even want distance from my man. I wish I had enough money to go away for a week, a month even. Let them see how much they miss me and need me… or not…

I feel alone… so alone…

If only my man, his ex and everybody around me could be as supportive as this article… things would not be over…

Protecting The Stepmother’s Mental Health

There are over 19 million people walking around depressed today, in America.  A large number of those depressed 19 million people are  mothers.  Many experts and society as a whole, acknowledge the fact that moms are the glue that holds the family together, and are often overworked and overextended. As a matter of fact, they sell t-shirts with a quote that says, “If mama ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy.” Television experts like Dr. Phil and Supernanny, Jo Frost, often encourage moms to take some time for themselves, learn to say NO (without guilt) and not feel bad for occasionally having feelings of dislike toward their children. They express that it’s just the resentment of being pulled in so many different directions that causes those types of feelings, and as a mom you need to set some boundaries in order to have balance. We’ve all heard this before, right moms?

That being said, as I stated in my Super Stepmom Syndrome article, what we don’t see a lot of is the same support for stepmothers. Historically, stepmothers have just been expected to accept any and everything because they chose to marry a man with children, and therefore chose to marry his kids and his ex-wife. It’s something that they shouldn’t complain about and realize that it’s not about them, but the kids who are torn apart by divorce.  We’ve all heard this before, right stepmoms? My question is then why shouldn’t mom be expected to just suck it up? After all, she chose to have children in the first place and it’s supposed to be about the kids, right? Why does she get to complain and then receive sympathy with kids that she chose to create, but stepmom has to just suck it up with kids who are not her own?

According to Linda Nielsen, a professor of psychology and women’s studies at Wake Forest University, stepmothers feel more stress than stepfathers and are overall the most stressed member of the stepfamily. In her research she indicates that 4 factors contribute to this stress: (1) our society’s attitudes about step/mothers and motherhood; (2) the mother’s and stepmother’s personalities, attitudes and circumstances; (3) the father’s attitudes and his relationship with the mother; and (4) the stepchildren’s gender and mental health.

As I stated above, stepmothers are expected to just accept everything without expressing themselves and are often told that they are evil and wicked if they do lose a grip every now and then. They are often battling an intrusive ex-wife as research indicates that ex-wives remain bitter for longer (years after) the divorce and are in fact the most intrusive. Their husband is still dealing with his guilt over the divorce and is often times an overcompensating, disney land dad and refuses to set healthy boundaries for his children and/or his ex-wife. Finally, age and gender definitely play a role in the step-parent/stepchild relationships in the stepfamily. For example, studies show that the stepmother/stepdaughter relationship is the most problematic relationship in the stepfamily, and can contribute to the dissolution of the remarriage and family if not handled properly.

All of the above mentioned and more, as you can imagine, creates a significant amount of stress for the stepmother and has enormous potential to send them to a downward spiral of depression. Being expected to please everyone without being able to express how you feel is an unrealistic and totally unfair expectation to place on ANYONE! Stepmothers need to have their role acknowledged and supported if we are to work at decreasing the alarming rate of second divorces in America. She can’t be expected to walk on eggshells, especially in her own home, just to pacify everyone else.  It will only leave her feeling totally isolated, resentful and depressed, just like those mothers that I mentioned above. The stepmother needs support, too; support from her husband; support from her friends and family and support from society as a whole!

I realize that everyone in the stepfamily has their challenges and own crosses to bear; however, the stepmother receives less support and understanding than ANYONE in the stepfamily and that just has to change.  Everyone else is allowed to act out and freely express themselves without judgment, because society has more sympathy for them, and historically, stepmoms have been deemed as wicked. We sympathize with dad because he doesn’t get to see his children as often. We sympathize with the kids because they’ve just experienced the loss of their family. We sympathize with ex-wife because she is just trying to “protect” her children.  We then we dump all of those emotions, responsibility and aftermath of a divorce that she didn’t create, mind you, on the stepmother and say, “now you deal with it and you better do it all with a smile. There’s no wonder that so many stepmoms are reaching for antidepressants and anxiety medication. And we wonder why so many are just angry all the time.

Hopefully, with stepmoms like Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster, and myself included,  speaking out and encouraging other stepmothers to do the same, things will slowly but surely begin to change. Stepmothers should feel free to say NO, just as we encourage mothers to do, without guilt or fear of being labeled as wicked. It must be understood that these women feel overwhelmed as well. It must be understood that unrealistic demands should not be placed on them. It must be understood, by husbands, that they need YOU to step up and be the partner that they married. It must be understood that these are women with feelings, and although they may not have directly experienced the divorce with you, they often times have to deal with the aftermath, and they need some support and understanding, too! They deserve to have a voice and a right to be heard in the stepfamily.

Stepmothers, I am once again encouraging you to aim for balance in your stepfamily life. You do not have to be everything to everyone, heal everyone’s pain and/or be everyone’s punching bag in order to be a good stepmother. You shouldn’t be expected or allow yourself to sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of everyone else’s. Below are ways in which you can protect your sanity and still be a good stepmother.

1. Learn to say NO! If it’s your husband’s weekend to have his kids, but you both know he’s going to be at work all weekend, it’s okay to express that you need a break and would like for your husband to choose another weekend. His ex-wife should understand that the primary reason for establishing visitation is so that they kids can spend time with their dad and not you. You are not bound by the visitation order, so if you need a moment, request it and then take it – WITHOUT GUILT!
2. Create a co-parenting plan with your husband regarding household rules and consequences, which you both agree on, and then stick to it. Children shouldn’t be allowed to use the divorce as a lifelong crutch. Allowing them to avoid rules and responsibility because YOU feel guilty as a parent is not parenting and only creates more problems for the child and the stepfamily.  Co-parenting plans help avoid conflict with the kids and your husband regarding discipline, and help you and your spouse create and present a more unified front. It also helps to re-create some normalcy in their lives again.
3. Constantly work on building and maintaining couple strength. Schedule date nights with your husband. Marriage is work and you have to work hard at remaining connected, especially in the stepfamily. During these times, make it a rule that you will not discuss ex-spouses, kids, stepkids or drama. Date night is a DRAMA FREE ZONE!
4. Learn to let some things go. Remember that you don’t have to be involved in every single aspect of your stepchildren’s lives.  For example, it’s okay to let mom and dad attend the parent teacher conference. It really isn’t necessary for you to be there. Instead of seeing it as some sort of slap in the face because you help with homework, too, use this time to either have some alone time with your own children or get your nails done, if you don’t have any children of your own.
5. Accept the fact that you don’t need to be perfect. You’ll be surprised at how relieved you feel when you have more realistic expectations of yourself than what is imposed on you by public opinion.
6. Realize and accept that you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PLEASE EVERYONE! Your primary focus should be on your immediate family. No matter what some say, you did not marry your husband, his kids AND his ex-wife, and suggesting this is only implying that it is your job to keep them ALL happy – NOT. You married your husband and you are the ones who have to build a solid team in order to raise your children and live happily ever after. If ex-wife doesn’t like it – TOUGH. There are two people in our marriage, not three or four. I’ve never seen a husband, wife and ex-wife rocking on their front porch when they are 80 years old. Ex-spouses are co-parenting partners, but they are not and shouldn’t be allowed to be participants in your marriage.
7. Finally, if you feel you are depressed seek the help of a medical doctor and then call a stepfamily counselor to help get you back on track to getting some balance back in your life again. It’s okay to ask for help!

My mother always told me that how you start out in any relationship is often times how you’ll end up. If you allow someone to walk all over you from the very beginning then that will be their expectation of you. She has always encouraged me to set my own boundaries and expectations of myself and others. So stepmothers, don’t start off allowing your husband, his kids or the ex-wife to think that you are going to be their punching bag. Setting boundaries for yourself and others is not wicked. As a matter of fact, it’s encouraged and expected in order for everyone to have some sort of peace of mind. And if an ex-wife or a husband has a problem with it, they are the ones who need to be examined, not you! The stepfamily can work and thrive, but the adults have to first have the same goal and be supported in their roles, even the stepmother.

Well it seems that after all this effort, everything is coming to an end. My adventures as a stepfamily are over. I need to get out to save myself. I really don’t know how people do it. First getting accustomed to another child that is not yours, then try to help your man get accustumed to yours and finally dealing with a toxic ex-wife who thinks only of herself and nobody else. I just don’ t know who has the strength to go through it all.

I’ve always been a romantic dreamer. I really thought that love could conquer all… but it seems it’s the other way around. It seems love is not that strong after all. Toxic people are stronger. The amount of frustrations and what it has brought out of me is awful. It has made me depressed, angry, resentful and frankly, just someone I don’t want to be. The strong love I had for my man is fading with every dissapointment, argument and struggle. Going through this has not made us stronger, it is tearing us apart.

I fell awful for this man I love and even for his child who I have grown to love and appreciate as well. They will be stuck with Toxic Bio Mom forever. It is awful to see how she treats both of them. How they fear her. I she causes such pain around her. I don’t know if she notices. But I am one less person she will be hurting. Same thing for my daughter. Without being as hurt as I am by Toxic Bio Mom, she is hurt by what it causes. She will be hurt at losing a family she so desperately craved but a family that is impossible to have with Toxic Bio Mom around. She will not let my man go on with his life. No woman is going to put up with this. She made him miserable as his wife and will continue forever.

What is sad is what she makes her son go through. With her, everything is a struggle. The haircut her son asked his dad and me for, she ruined last week. That placed her son smack into a loyalty conflict. He was the one who wanted his hair that way. He hates the haircuts she gives him. But he loves his mom and probably isn’t able to say anything. So instead he gives in. The poor child has one heck of  a life ahead of him. I pity his poor girlfriend and even his children! What an awful grandmother she will be.

Now, you may be thinking that a haircut is not such a big deal. It isn’t. Taken separately, everything can be dealt with. But I have seen her lie, yell, manipulate both her son and my man. They have both learned that there is nothing to do but listen and follow along. My man will be living in this big house by himself. He will go back to a life dictated by her. He will go back to going out with friends when she allows him to and has nothing else in mind for him. He will most probably go back to spending all holidays the way she wants if he wants to see his son. He will go back to taking out the checkbook every time she needs. He is better at not letting all this stuff get to him. He is used to this life. He just basically does what he is told so that she leaves him alone to live whatever kind of life is left.

This is not the life I want. I want a family. I don’t care if it’s a different type of family. I don’t have grand illusions of the typical nuclear family anymore. But with Toxic Bio Mom, it’s just impossible. I feel guilty at letting my man and his son to fend for themselves with this vulture of a person. But if I don’t get out now, I’ll die…  litterally.

Today is my birthday but I really see nothing to celebrate. I feel right now, as if my whole life is a failure. The family I always wanted to have does not exist, my relationship is unsatisfaying to say the least and career wise… ouf, let’s not even talk about it. I’m 32 years old. To many that seems like I have a lot of years ahead of me, but I don’t know if it’s the depression talking but I see those 32 years as wasted. Years learning lessons if we want to see it in a positive light but with all these life lessons, you would think my life would feel a little bit more fulfilling.

Sorry, depressing a bit today but that’s how I feel. Nostalgic of how life could have been. Depressed with how much work is needed to make it better… I just can’t wait for this day to be over so I can go on with my boring, daily routines. When I’m doing laudry or cooking supper, I at least feel like I serve a purpose in this life. Today, if I try to look at my life, I see nothing good…

I foud this excerpt on a great website: http://stepmumoftheyear.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/the-mother-question/

I expresses so perfectly how I feel about about my stepson’s mom and my man’s ex. Although mine does not live thousands of kilometres away… she lives ten minutes away and works with my man so she has her grip on him EVERY SINGLE DAY!

- Despite living thousands of kilometres away, I feel like the Boys’ Mum forces her way into my house and my relationship with the Lovely Man uninvited and against my will.

- I hate that she has so much power in my family, often more than I have. That the Lovely Man will readily sacrifice things dear to us and to me to keep her happy. Yet sometimes it can seem that she’s never, ever happy.

- I feel like she steals from me: the Lovely Man’s and my time; our money; our energy; our happiness; even our Christmas.

- I resent that she accepts from me things that are of real value to her, like my care of her children, but doesn’t acknowledge that value.

- I’ve grown sceptical about her occasional apparent niceness and am always anticipating the next betrayal.

- I dislike feeling like a hidden, shameful part of this family, a part that she seems to consider beneath her dignity to acknowledge.

Next step in trying to be a better, happier person is to let go of the guilt. Too often we confuse guilt with caring for others. If I start to let others deal with their feelings and not feel guilty, will it make me an egocentric person who care about no one else than herself, NO! There are just some instances where feeling guilty is just stupid.

Take this example. Last week, I took my mother in law to the doctors. Her throat hurt and she wanted to see about getting antibiotics. She did not want to wait for hours at the free clinic and asked me if I could find a private doctor for her. I did. I did not know the doctor, I simply google private doctors in my area and called a few. Only one was available that same day. She went and forked over 150$ for the consultation. He told her that it was probably a virus and would clear out on its own. She was a bit dissapointed and came back home with me without a prescription. She came by yesterday and said she had to fork over another 150$ with another doctor to finally get a prescription for antibiotics and now felt much better. Well, guess what! I felt guilty. I somehow felt like it was my fault that the first doctor did not do what she asked since I was the once who found him. I also felt guilty at her paying for the doctor twice. WHY????? Then, I sat down and thought: this is not my fault. She asked me for help, I did. I could not predict what the doctor would do. I was glad to help her, I did, the rest is not my problem.

See how it works?

Now, it can get a little more complicated. Anytime I have to ask something for myself it gets a bit more complicated. Especially in the context of a stepfamily. I am so scared to come off as the evil stepmother that I will do and accept things that don’t make me happy. Even worse, I sometimes accept things that I feel are downright disrespectful. But the guilt and the fear just prevent me from asking for what is right for me. Now I know I am not an evil stepmother. I know that I think of others. I know that I am not a self-centered person who only thinks of herself. I know that I think of my stepson’s best interests as well as my man’s and my daughter’s. But way too often, I don’t think of MY best interest. This needs work, big time.

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that guilt is for when you’ve committed a crime. I say when you are not deliberately hurting somebody, you should not feel any guilt or fear for respecting yourself.