relationships

Well, apparently life has forced me to make a new start. It is officially over with my man. After months and months of fighting, it looks like we both gave up… I gave up I guess because I still feel like he gave up a long time ago.

I don’t know whether I’m unlucky or if men just have that problem but it seems that being in a meaningful relationship is just too hard for some (or all?) of them. I had my doubts too. I even threatened to leave quite a few times and that probably did not help but I refuse to blame myself for this one. I was scared too and yet I always ended up staying. Even though I was terribly unhappy. Even though I needed anti-depressants to continue going on.

This time, I will not take it all on myself. I really tried. I really, truly loved him. I was willing to accept his fault and not try to change him… well at least not too much we women do that a lot. I worked really hard to accept his son and learn to love him as he is. Not judge and think my way was better. It was tough. I had relapses where I felt like lecturing and did lecture, but overall I worked hard at this relationship and the relationship with my stepson.

I worked hard at sharing my time with my daughter and my man. I tried to make both feel like they were loved and were both important. I managed to keep my friends this and still spend time with them even though it was a little bit different. My overnight stays with my best first N. were a bit impossible now that my man shared my bed but we managed to still talk, go out, spend time with our kids and even include my man in our outings from time to time.

This time I did not abandon my friends and family for a man. I had found a man who respected me. What went wrong, I still don’t know. It was hard, yes but nothing got better. I kept hoping that things would get better. That Toxic Bio Mom would get over her rage, that my man would learn to navigate this new life better, that I would deal with my emotions better. I hoped I would one day be as important to him as he was to me. I hope that Christmas would not be such an issue anymore, that he would want to spend it with my and not his ex-wife. That eventually we would find a balance in all this. A place where everyone was comfortable.

But it never happened. He just got more and more stressed. He became more and more angry every time I opened my mouth. He took everything I said as a criticsm. He saw everything as an attack. My emotions were all mashed into one: anger. Whether I was sad, disspointed or angry it did not matter: I was angry and I was giving him crap. That’s all he saw.

I do admit sometimes I did get angry. I’m human and what we went through was tough. But I never felt supported. I was afraid that if anything bad ever happened to me, he would not be there. I dreamed of being on my deathbed and that he would tell me he had to work, or had papers to correct, or his son to pick up or his ex-wife to call back. And I would die alone, without him.

I dreamt so many nights of reaching for him. Asking him to just be there for me… he was never there. More and more he asked me to stop talking. To ignore the problems. The place them under the rug and pretend life was great. He was tired, stressed, didn’t want to deal with all this. That’s apparently not what he had signed up for.

I didn’t know what I had signed up for either. It was a lot harder than I thought. But I was willing to try. I REFUSE to affirm, like him that I was not ready. I was ready. It was just tough. I REFUSE to say, like he did, that we were not meant for each other. We had great times together and could laugh like you wouldn’t believe….

But what really makes a couple? The laughs shared while cooking supper or staying strong and together in the face of conflict? Maybe it’s both…

Now we have neither…

These are two things I believe are essential to a couple, but are indispensable in a stepfamily. I have recently realized that I did not have both in my relationship and that may be why things are so difficult.

I won’t go into too many details but I recently found out I have been lied to for many months. The relationship with my man and his ex has always been complicated and difficult for me to grasps. Turns out that to protect this relationship, my man thought that it was better to lie to me, and her basically. Keeping the peace by telling her everything was my fault and keeping the peace with my by playing innoncent.

You can imagine just how awful and duped I feel right now. Honesty is a big thing for me. I’m very expressive with m feelings and thoughts and everyone can know what I think all the time. But apparently, this side of my personality is difficult to deal with. So for the last few months, I have worked at keeping my thoughts to myself, keeping my feelings to myself. It didn’t work. It made me explode even more when I finally couldn’t keep it in.

If my relationship was based on lies, no wonder I got none of the support I needed. I never felt like he understood, like he considered how I felt in all this. I always felt as if he was waiting for me to change, to adapt. Well that’s all done.

I like myself. I am a good person. I am a hard worker. I am intelligent. I think of others and I like taking care of others. I am talkative, sometimes too much, but it means I like to talk to people. I am interested in many things. I am intelligent and love to learn. I am very maternal with my kids but also with my stepson. I like to make sure they are well taken care of. I am a good girlfriend that like to think of her man and what would make him happy. I am a good daughter that will always be there when he parents need her. I am a good friend who can listen and be there for her friends when they need her. I am pretty and I can be sexy. I am passionate in everything, especially love. I am a romatic and a dreamer. I am not a liar, a hypocrite. I say what I think (of course I am diplomatic and don’t do it on purpose to hurt people).

I lost this person for a while. Well that’s over. Back to me now. Back to who I am. I will no longer try to be the person he wants me to be and I will be myself.

Day 1 of back to myself:

I will take care of myself today by taking a walk and exercising. I will also eat a good meal at lunch today, something healthy.

I will continue reading Stepmonster because it makes me feel really good.

I will go to the library to get some new books, because libraries makes me happy

I will finish the laudry for my family because I like doing things for them, not because I feel obligated.

Enough with the pity party. If he decided to lie, it has nothing to do with me but with issues he has. It does not diminish who I am. I will not let it!!!!

Next step in trying to be a better, happier person is to let go of the guilt. Too often we confuse guilt with caring for others. If I start to let others deal with their feelings and not feel guilty, will it make me an egocentric person who care about no one else than herself, NO! There are just some instances where feeling guilty is just stupid.

Take this example. Last week, I took my mother in law to the doctors. Her throat hurt and she wanted to see about getting antibiotics. She did not want to wait for hours at the free clinic and asked me if I could find a private doctor for her. I did. I did not know the doctor, I simply google private doctors in my area and called a few. Only one was available that same day. She went and forked over 150$ for the consultation. He told her that it was probably a virus and would clear out on its own. She was a bit dissapointed and came back home with me without a prescription. She came by yesterday and said she had to fork over another 150$ with another doctor to finally get a prescription for antibiotics and now felt much better. Well, guess what! I felt guilty. I somehow felt like it was my fault that the first doctor did not do what she asked since I was the once who found him. I also felt guilty at her paying for the doctor twice. WHY????? Then, I sat down and thought: this is not my fault. She asked me for help, I did. I could not predict what the doctor would do. I was glad to help her, I did, the rest is not my problem.

See how it works?

Now, it can get a little more complicated. Anytime I have to ask something for myself it gets a bit more complicated. Especially in the context of a stepfamily. I am so scared to come off as the evil stepmother that I will do and accept things that don’t make me happy. Even worse, I sometimes accept things that I feel are downright disrespectful. But the guilt and the fear just prevent me from asking for what is right for me. Now I know I am not an evil stepmother. I know that I think of others. I know that I am not a self-centered person who only thinks of herself. I know that I think of my stepson’s best interests as well as my man’s and my daughter’s. But way too often, I don’t think of MY best interest. This needs work, big time.

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that guilt is for when you’ve committed a crime. I say when you are not deliberately hurting somebody, you should not feel any guilt or fear for respecting yourself.

I had already read this list of rules and it had made me think the very same thing as this author. The need, for a stepmother, to feel like she is consulted, and not have things imposed on her. The importance of her marriage or couple, before anything else so that the family has a chance of surviving. If only my man and his ex could read this and get it. And maybe even apply some of what is said here! Ouf!

I recently read an interesting post about a stepmother’s bill or rights on Becoming a Stepmom. Apparently there have been some interesting discussions floating around on the net about whether or not it is dangerous to stepfamilies. Below is one version of the bill of rights and my perspective on each.

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

I agree with this one and don’t think it’s unreasonable for a married woman to want to be part of the decision-making process in her marriage and family at all times. I thought that’s how a married couple was supposed to operate. I think some people have a problem with this particular “right” because they assume that stepmothers mean that they should be involved in picking the school, doctor, dentist, religion, etc.for their stepchild. This is not what this “right” is saying. Stepmothers aren’t demanding control here, they are asking to be included on the decisions that directly affect them and their marriage as a whole and their husbands should include them on matters that will affect their marriage and family.

2. People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

Similar to the one above, this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Again, stepmothers aren’t asking to be included on choosing schools, dentists, doctors or signing their stepchildren up for extra curricular activities. I think all this falls under the heading of “common sense.” We know that we don’t need to be consulted on those types of things and don’t expect to be, IF the decisions don’t affect us. It’s when you sign them up and then notify the stepmother that she is the one who will be taking him every week that’s the problem. You can’t make plans for someone else’s life. My biological parents were married nearly 30 years before my dad passed away and neither of them ever signed us up for activities and then told the other (without checking their schedules) that he or she would be the one taking him. It’s called common courtesy and isn’t unreasonable to expect, even for a stepmother.

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

This is another one that I find very difficult to understand why certain people don’t get it. Some have said that stepmothers should just accept that they won’t be involved in discipline because it should be left up to mom and dad and/or the children just won’t accept it.  Personally, I don’t think CHILDREN should have a say in this matter. If you do something wrong and you’re in the care of an adult, that adult should have the right to discipline you. If the children are with grandma, do you tell her that she can’t discipline them when they misbehave? What about at school? When they do something wrong at school, do you expect the school not to implement some form of discipline because it should be left up to the biological parents? If your answer to either of those questions is no, then tell me, why should that be any different for stepmom? If the children are under her supervision, she should be allowed to set agreed upon limits for and discipline them. The fact that the kids won’t always listen has nothing to do with my right, as an adult, to impart discipline on them. Heck, sometimes my biological kid doesn’t listen and/or readily accept discipline, but that doesn’t stop me from disciplining him.

4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

This one all depends on the circumstances. Dad has an obligation to care for his children and stepmom cannot and should not dictate if his children can come live in his home or not, UNLESS that child has been violent towards her or any other children in the home. At that point, the stepmother should definitely be consulted and part of the reunification process as well.

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
This one I can agree with!

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

I think this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Stepmothers aren’t telling their husbands not to pay child support. We know that there are agreements that were made and must be adhered to, before we came along. Not to mention that a father should take care of his children, no matter where they reside and I wouldn’t expect anything less from my husband. However, there are times when ex-wives often want above and beyond what has been court ordered, and if it falls outside of the court-ordered amount which has already been budgeted and agreed upon, then yes, husband should consult with stepmom (his wife). As an ex, there have been times when I’ve called my ex and expressed that I needed some extra money for our son and I never got offended when he said he had to talk it over with his wife first to see what and/or if they could afford it. I think it is a fantasy for ex-wives to assume that they will forever be the ONLY partner in these types of decisions that involve their children once their ex-spouse remarries.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

I agree with this one. It all falls under the issue of respect, but kids, whether biological or step, don’t always listen and follow rules. It has nothing to do with them being your stepchildren and everything to do with them just being children.

8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.

This one is another one that is often misinterpreted. It has nothing to do with instantly feeling like family and more to do with some of the points mentioned above; such as consulting stepmoms on certain decision, allowing them to be involved in discipline when the children are in their care and so on.  Not doing those things is what makes stepmoms feel like outsiders. It’s not the fact that their husband’s kids prefer them and go to him with or ask him everything. Again, growing up in my biological family, I sometimes had a preference for one parent over the other, and they were both my biological parents. Personally, I’ve never felt like an outsider in my home. I actually enjoy the times that both my bio son and stepson prefer to be with my husband. It is at those times that I get a the opportunity to have some “me” time. I think most stepmothers feel like outsiders for other reasons.

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

I totally agree with this one! Respect is one of our household rules.

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

This one makes me want to pull my hair out because people don’t get it. I’ve heard everything from, “children are a priority too” or “you can’t neglect the kids” or “isn’t that selfish?” I’m a little taken aback with people always telling stepmothers what they already know. We know that kids are a priority too! We know that it’s not the marriage or the kids, it’s marriage and kids. We don’t neglect our children just because we expect our marriage to be a priority. A marriage will not last unless it’s the first priority. The husband and wife are the pillars of the family. They are responsible for setting the foundation for how the family will run. If they don’t blend and aren’t on the same page, then the family won’t make it, be it biological or step. If they aren’t happy in their partnership and as a couple, then the family won’t be happy as a whole.  And again, it doesn’t matter if the family is biological or step.

Making your marriage a priority means that you realize that your spouse is your life partner. Make time for him or her instead of always focusing on the drama with your past marriage. Include him or her in decisions that will directly affect him or you. There shouldn’t always be a battle between your kids and/or your ex-spouse and your spouse. I always say that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner and should always be treated as such. This is what stepmoms mean by not wanting to feel like outsiders in their home and wanting their marriages to be a priority.  These are common sense things that should apply to any marriage. It doesn’t mean that stepmoms are victims, they want their husbands to just do away with all their responsibilities as fathers or they desire some unreasonable amount of control. It means that stepmoms desire to be treated like wives and life partners. Personally, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com/wordpress/index.php/2731

I found this bill of rights for stepmothers on the following website: http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/22/a-revised-stepmoms-bill-of-rights/

So,here are some things I will try to achieve… not sure how, but I’ll sure try. If I cannot be a mother the way I want to be or a family I long to have, then I’ll at least work with what I have and be the best I can be….

• I will create a rock-solid marriage with my husband so we both feel confident in our commitment to each other and the family. I vow to always make fun together a priority.
• I have the right to be on the parenting team with my husband but I realize that this takes time to develop.
• I understand that stepfamilies are formed out of loss and that the people I’m living with are carrying wounds that will affect them forever.
• I will congratulate myself every day on a job well done. Even on days when I’ve done or said things I’m not proud of, I will be gentle and kind with myself because I am a brave, courageous woman.
• I will work to feel confident and worthy of love.
• I will not look to my stepchildren for validation or self-worth.
• I will protect my heart with healthy boundaries that help me to be a more loving and present wife, stepmother, and human being even if that means making difficult choices.
• I will forgive my husband, the exes in our lives, my stepchildren, and myself for our human-ness.
• I will try to understand what living in our home is like for every member of our family.
• I will create a sanctuary for myself and make self-care a priority so I can recharge my batteries.
• I will choose my battles.
• I understand that control does not equal respect or love.
• I realize that I don’t have any control over what the ex or the ex-in-laws or the kids think or do. The only person I have control over is me.
• I will ask for what I need instead of making people guess what I need to prove their love for me.
• I will find the gifts in being the outsider in a family that formed before I came along.
• I will focus on building relationships instead of on who is right and who is wrong.
• I will take breaks when I’m angry so I can be calm when I discuss issues that affect me but I have little control over.
• I will hold on to the things that remind me of who I am.
• I will plan things to look forward to with my husband and with my family.
• I will remind myself often of the many reasons I decided to be with my husband.
• I will choose hope.
• I will choose love.

The book I am reading right now, Adult Children Of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy Of Your Parents` Breakup and Enjoy Love, Trust, and Intimacy, talks about the effect of divorce on children as they become adults. I realise now that the divorce of my parents has had a profound effect on me. I believe that some children cope with divorce better than others. I never coped very well with my parents divorcing. I understood that together they were toxic. There were many nights when I heard them fighting and hid at the top of the stairs to hear what they were saying. I don’t remember feeling surprised when they announced their divorce. I don’t believe I feel sad that my parents are not together. I always understood that they weren’t good together.

I believe what affected me is the fact that their divorce meant my life would be shattered. The moving between houses was awful for me. My brother coped with it remarkably well. It never seemed to bother him. But it bothered me immensely. I felt like I belonged nowhere. As I read this book, I realise that it has affected me in many ways…especially in my relationships with others, with coworkers and most of all in my romantic relationships. 

It has made me distrustful. It has made me insecure. One of the things mentioned in the book was that children of divorce often test the love of their partners. Usually, their partners pass the tests until the tests become impossible to pass. Then they either leave or we leave because they didn’t pass our impossible tests.  That was a shocker. I am always testing my partner’s love.  I am constantly testing him to see if he truly loves me. That is so unhealthy. I realise that it is as if I don’t think I am worthy of someone’s love. As if no one can truly love me.  I do know deep inside that he loves me. He shows me every day by his actions. The stuff I have made him go through this last year would have made anybody run. So why do I keep testing his love? Why do I feel so insecure?

This is truly an issue I need to deal with. I am with a wonderful man. I should just enjoy it. I need to separate the things that I missed out on, because of my parents’ divorce, and this relationship. It is as if I want this relationship to fill in this deep dark empty hole that was left from my relationship with my parents. But, in a sense, it is as if I am pushing him away; protecting myself from never having to trust that someone loves me.

I’m not quite sure what this all means. But I guess that realising what I am doing is a step in the right direction….