Motherhood

I received this through my email by a friend in a stepmothering discussion group. I thought it applied really well to what we mothers and stepmothers do… Although I’m not a big: God sees you so be happy kind of person, I think that when we see our kids happy, when we see other people appreciate them, when we, one day, see them become adults we will know we had a part to play in that. We have a part to play in all the aspects of our lives and even if we never get to see the finished product ( as in the case of me and my stepson), what we brought in that relationship is good and helped.

The Invisible Mother…… 

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the
way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask
me a question. 
 
Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ 

Obviously, not.  

No one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or
even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I’m invisible.  The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands,
nothing more: Can you fix this?  Can you tie this? Can you open this?  

Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being.. I’m a
clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What
number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30,
please.’  

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes
that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude – but now
they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.
She’ s going; she’s going; she is gone!  

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England .  
 
Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and
on about the hotel she stayed in.  
 
I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so
well.   It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.  
 
I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully
wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’  
 
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .  
 
I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her
inscription:  

‘To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building
when no one sees.’  

In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book.  And I would
discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which
I could pattern my work:  
 
No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no record of their
names.  
 
These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see
finished.  
 
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.  
 
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of
God saw everything.  

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny
bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are
you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be
covered by the roof?   No one will ever see it.’ And the workman replied,
‘Because God sees.’  

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.  
 
It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I
see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake
you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are
building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will
become.’  

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction.   But it is not a
disease that is erasing my life.  
It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.   It is the
antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.  

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one
of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to
work on something that their name will never be on.  
 
The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever
be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to
sacrifice to that degree.  

When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the
morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for
three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’  That would mean
I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to
come home.  And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to
add, ‘you’re gonna love it there.’  

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re
doing it right.  
 
And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at
what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by
the sacrifices of invisible women.  

Great Job, MOM!  
Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know… I just did.

Next step in trying to be a better, happier person is to let go of the guilt. Too often we confuse guilt with caring for others. If I start to let others deal with their feelings and not feel guilty, will it make me an egocentric person who care about no one else than herself, NO! There are just some instances where feeling guilty is just stupid.

Take this example. Last week, I took my mother in law to the doctors. Her throat hurt and she wanted to see about getting antibiotics. She did not want to wait for hours at the free clinic and asked me if I could find a private doctor for her. I did. I did not know the doctor, I simply google private doctors in my area and called a few. Only one was available that same day. She went and forked over 150$ for the consultation. He told her that it was probably a virus and would clear out on its own. She was a bit dissapointed and came back home with me without a prescription. She came by yesterday and said she had to fork over another 150$ with another doctor to finally get a prescription for antibiotics and now felt much better. Well, guess what! I felt guilty. I somehow felt like it was my fault that the first doctor did not do what she asked since I was the once who found him. I also felt guilty at her paying for the doctor twice. WHY????? Then, I sat down and thought: this is not my fault. She asked me for help, I did. I could not predict what the doctor would do. I was glad to help her, I did, the rest is not my problem.

See how it works?

Now, it can get a little more complicated. Anytime I have to ask something for myself it gets a bit more complicated. Especially in the context of a stepfamily. I am so scared to come off as the evil stepmother that I will do and accept things that don’t make me happy. Even worse, I sometimes accept things that I feel are downright disrespectful. But the guilt and the fear just prevent me from asking for what is right for me. Now I know I am not an evil stepmother. I know that I think of others. I know that I am not a self-centered person who only thinks of herself. I know that I think of my stepson’s best interests as well as my man’s and my daughter’s. But way too often, I don’t think of MY best interest. This needs work, big time.

A good friend of mine told me yesterday that guilt is for when you’ve committed a crime. I say when you are not deliberately hurting somebody, you should not feel any guilt or fear for respecting yourself.

I thought this article was just really interesting. It’s a different way of looking at our past and what we experienced with our parents. I am currently trying to sort out a lot of stuff from my childhood, to see how my relationship with my dad and the divorce of my parents affected me. This helps put everything in a whole new perspective. What if all those ordeals made me who I am today. What if that’s not such a bad thing. It may just help easy the pain I suffered and still suffer today…

Choosing Our Parents

There’s a Native American belief that before we are born, we choose our parents. It actually ties in pretty nicely with the reincarnation idea that we prearrange certain circumstances before each life so as to learn different lessons. Either way, our parents teach us so much more than they ever mean to. Through their choices, circumstances, faults, talents and ability to show their love and support, they mold us. If life is a rat race, then our folks determine what we come out of the starting blocks with.

The gifts they give us are so much more than biological. Yeah, there’s the basics of whether or not you go through life as pretty, ugly, or just sort of plain looking. I don’t have to tell you that physical looks, athletic abilities, and general health definitely effect how we go through life. Our parents can decide whether or not we’re deformed or mentally challenged by deciding to create alcohol syndrome or drug addicted babies. And they genetically predispose us to various future challenges, like breast cancer or heart disease. Other than by taking care of our bodies with proper rest and nutrition while growing up, there isn’t a whole lot that they can do about most of the physical characteristics they pass along to us.

Most of us are average, that’s what average means. So most of us inherit average bodies with average talents and average health. So what does it matter who we choose as our parents? For proof, just look at the people who were raised by adopted parents or those who were raised in blended step-families. Their biology isn’t really what comes to mind when we look at the gifts and challenges they received from their ‘folks.’

Our parents – whether biological, adopted, or stepparents – determined what our environment would be while growing up. They chose our financial health, spiritual health, educational health, social health, and mental health. They may have consciously sat down and made the decisions and acted on them, or they may have paid no attention whatsoever to how those things would turn out. Many parents are themselves uneducated or unhealthy in some of these areas and don’t even know that there were other choices to be made. It’s not always intentional, what they chose. Either way, they made choices that determined all of those things for us.

It’s really easy if we had blessed childhoods to give thanks to our parents for making wonderful choices on our behalf. If we believe in that theory that we choose our parents before birth, then we can nod and say, “Yep, I certainly did pick some winners! Sure am glad I picked those two as my parents. They supported me in everything I ever wanted to do and paid for my music lessons and never stopped loving me no matter what!”

But what if you were one of those kids whose childhood sucked? Was your dad an alcoholic? Was your mom the queen of guilt trips? Was your dad the overachiever who pressure
d you to carry on his legacy? Was your mother a gold digger hopping from one wealthy man to the next, never really paying attention to you? Were your folks ignorant and uneducated, not having a clue that you were a bored genius with nobody to talk to? Did they make choices constantly based on themselves instead of their children? Were they artists who got so carried away in the creative process that they’d forget you existed at times? Whatever the story, you get the idea. You may or may not love your folks, but you know that if you had it to do over again you certainly wouldn’t have picked those two people to be in charge of your early years. The last thing you want to hear is that you might have chosen that upbringing for yourself.

Shift gears with me here, for just a minute. Look into yourself and tell me what you are most proud of. Is it your tenacity? Your ability to pick yourself up and carry on no matter what? Your moxie? Your incredible ability to read other people and know just how to reach out and help them? Your artistic ability to create music that sings to the soul of the lonely and uplift them for just a minute? Your incredible work ethic? Your own ability to really be present and in the moment with your own kids? Sit for a moment and look at the incredible strength and amazing traits that you created for yourself despite your parents.

If I had been the spoiled pampered princess I wanted to be, I would never be able to write for you today. It’s because I come from a broken home that I know how important true loving connection is regardless of whether the original two parents are the ones raising you or not. It’s because I was under the impression that I was abandoned that I found out how to be strong and independent and no longer clingy and needy. I wouldn’t have the pride and self assurance that I can overcome anything life throws at me if I had always had the safety net of family to fall back on. Look into your own life. Would you be the amazing person you are today if you had been raised with a silver spoon and ideal parents?

Initially when we begin our healing process, we can identify what particular flavor of ’screwed up’ we are and who’s fault it is that we turned out that way. Continuing on the path of healing, we get to a place where we can forgive those who helped create the mess that we became. Finally, we come to realize what a blessing it was that we got to go through that particular journey and to learn those particular lessons and to gain those particular tools and gifts as a result. Then we can be grateful that we chose the parents we did.

I am reading this book Having kids or not? (the book is in French) and I find it very interesting. It talks about all the issues to look at when deciding to have a child or not and what motivates people to choose one way or the other. I have a child already and I also have a stepchild. I always figured that when I met someone, we would have a child of our own. I wanted my daugther to grow up with sibblings. My boyfriend does not want children. Some of his reasons are legitimate, others I disagree with. But nevertheless, if he is not on board, I won’t have a child. There is not way I will have a child with someone who doesn’t want one. I made that mistake once and it has impacted my daughter very much.

What fascinates me is that the argument that comes up the most for not having kids is because of money. We want to be able to give everything to that one child that we have. But is that really a reason not to have children? Protecting your child from ever feeling like you love another child, that he or she needs to share your attention? Being able to afford trips at Disneyland at 3 and any activities that child wants? I have a problem with that… Here is an excerpt from the book that I strongly agree with. The parents who spoke these words have 10 children. Yes, I said 10. I don’t think I could have 10 children but, they didn’t stop to think about money or being able to offer their one kid the best life possible. They offered a family.I have translated it myself…

We discovered the joy of having children; it is a joy that is very simple, said Hélène. When you have your first or second child, because you are unexperienced, you don’t actually experience this pleasure. You are contronted with stress and simply went through this chore. As if young children are a chore! Some couples want their kids to be close in age so that they can get over it faster. This “chore” does not last very long. The joy of having children, is having children! Not to have adults as fast as possible! It’s a continual discovery. A large family is a school of life, a school of character: it develops sharing. Often we are 13 in a house that traditional families share with just 4. There are things that can’t be explained, things you just can’t justify. I’m not saying the raise themselves, but our children think of others every single day. We find that in general, today, children are very blasé. When you have done everything at 10 years old, there is no more magic. The enchantment dissapears. Children always want more.

For us, family is not just a question of food. There is the spiritual aspect, values to be taught, education to be dispensed. The problem is not if you can afford children, it’s to measure the impact of desires, of being able to distinguish between real needs and wants. Between what you really want and what is futile. When you don’t have a lot of money, you take a close look at these things: that’s healthy! It puts things in perspective. When you have only one child, these questions just don’t exist. 

I found this bill of rights for stepmothers on the following website: http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/22/a-revised-stepmoms-bill-of-rights/

So,here are some things I will try to achieve… not sure how, but I’ll sure try. If I cannot be a mother the way I want to be or a family I long to have, then I’ll at least work with what I have and be the best I can be….

• I will create a rock-solid marriage with my husband so we both feel confident in our commitment to each other and the family. I vow to always make fun together a priority.
• I have the right to be on the parenting team with my husband but I realize that this takes time to develop.
• I understand that stepfamilies are formed out of loss and that the people I’m living with are carrying wounds that will affect them forever.
• I will congratulate myself every day on a job well done. Even on days when I’ve done or said things I’m not proud of, I will be gentle and kind with myself because I am a brave, courageous woman.
• I will work to feel confident and worthy of love.
• I will not look to my stepchildren for validation or self-worth.
• I will protect my heart with healthy boundaries that help me to be a more loving and present wife, stepmother, and human being even if that means making difficult choices.
• I will forgive my husband, the exes in our lives, my stepchildren, and myself for our human-ness.
• I will try to understand what living in our home is like for every member of our family.
• I will create a sanctuary for myself and make self-care a priority so I can recharge my batteries.
• I will choose my battles.
• I understand that control does not equal respect or love.
• I realize that I don’t have any control over what the ex or the ex-in-laws or the kids think or do. The only person I have control over is me.
• I will ask for what I need instead of making people guess what I need to prove their love for me.
• I will find the gifts in being the outsider in a family that formed before I came along.
• I will focus on building relationships instead of on who is right and who is wrong.
• I will take breaks when I’m angry so I can be calm when I discuss issues that affect me but I have little control over.
• I will hold on to the things that remind me of who I am.
• I will plan things to look forward to with my husband and with my family.
• I will remind myself often of the many reasons I decided to be with my husband.
• I will choose hope.
• I will choose love.

Is it possible to move forward in life and be free of the past? Whenever you try to work things out, whether in therapy or from books, they go back to your past. I’ve been doing that recently but I don’t know how effective it is really. Everybody struggles with the past. It has affected us in ways that we can’t even imagine. Sometimes we don’t even realize how it affected us and keeps on affecting us. It affects our decisions, our feelings and emotions, everything. But can we really do anything about it? If the guilt of divorce forces a parent to overcompensate, will he or she really change if they realise this? The guilt will still be there. I don’t see how it will change anything apart from making you feel bad that you are doing it.

I’m also wondering how possible it is to rebuild your life with someone when your past has affected you immensely. Especially in blended or stepfamilies. The ex is still present, still haunting. If this person was abusive before, does leaving that person fix it all? Won’t they still keep a tight grip on you forever. Granted, you won’t have to spend every single day being told how awful you are but won’t they find other ways of making you feel miserable. My answer to that would be to fight back. Leaving would give me the back bone needed to put an end to it. I’d want my daughter to know that I respect myself now and that I will never let someone treat me this way. But what if this person is my daughter’s parent?  So complicated…

Alright. I really don’t know if it’s the depression or just the mommy gene that is missing from me,but picking up my kid after school is just the worst time of my life! I feel like such a bad mother when I think… and say this, but it just is!!!

First, I’m always stressed when I go to pick her up. I have to park the car somewhere between the cars of other parents, walk in and sign the attendance list, ask the lady with either the cheery smile (which ticks me off) or the lady with the nasty look on her face (which also ticks me off) and wait for my daughter. Then I wait. With my winter coat on. Sweating. Listening to the noises of other children yelling, laughing etc. When my daughter shows up, she’s always so excited to see me and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is: “hurry up and put your coat on, mommy’s tired”. She would like to go on and on about her day, tell me of all the little 7 year old issues she is dealing with (like the little girl who would not play with her and the boy who tried to kiss her) but I DON’T CARE!!! That’s what I want to yell.

Then I get home and try to listen to my man express how his day went and his son tell me about the drawing he made, all this while making supper and I just want to yell at all of them and go to bed.

I had a stepmom growing up that always used to take a 30 minutes bath when she got home. Then she was so zen… so patient. She took the time to listen to all of us…

I wonder what other tricks I could use… any suggestions?