Family
I’ve just read this article and there is just one word: WOW! This is how I would like to be as a parent. He really pinpoints everything I think about raising children… but don’t get me wrong, I’m not there yet
John Robbins
Author of The New Good Life, Diet For A New America, and many other bestsellers.
But what is it that spoils children? I don’t think it’s an abundance of love and thoughtful attention. I think it more likely happens when we substitute material things for genuine love, when we try to give them everything they want, when we try to appease their every desire, when we indulge them with loads of toys and feel like failures if they aren’t always happy.
I think spoiling happens when we give our kids junk food that provides short-term pleasure, instead of providing them with real nourishment.
The truth is that we live in a culture where, as environmentalist Bill McKibben puts it, “almost everyone is a little spoiled, where spoiling children underwrites a significant part of the economy.”
If a child’s needs become so paramount to the parents that they sacrifice everything, the child feels insecure, with little chance to learn how to live a self-reliant life. If parents can’t tolerate any discomfort from their child, if they can never say no to him or her, the child grows fearful. If parents have no sources of joy other than their children, the children may believe they are the center of the universe.
What spoils kids is when they are taught to fill up their emptiness from the outside by purchasing things and activities, rather than learning how to fill themselves up from the inside through making good choices, caring, and creativity.
It’s not love that spoils our kids. They become spoiled when we ply them with too many toys, too much stimulation, and too much of the wrong kind of attention. They become spoiled when they learn, often from our example, to identify their self-worth with others’ approval, with how they look, with how much stuff they have, with how expensive their clothes are, or with how large their homes are.
We spoil our kids when we teach them to meet their deepest spiritual and emotional needs with material things. We spoil them when we don’t help them to learn to deal with disappointment or to learn about the joys of helping others.
Spoiling happens when kids aren’t helped to know their own inner beauty, when they feel they will be valued only for their looks, possessions or performance. Spoiling happens when children aren’t celebrated for who they are — when they are forced to pretend, to put on a mask, to ignore their own deepest promptings and truth. Spoiling happens when kids aren’t valued for their inner qualities, their kindness, their laughter, their inspirations, their passion for life.
You may sometimes feel that children aren’t listening to you, but I can assure you they are always watching you. They may not seem to be heeding your words, but they are paying a great deal of attention to your example. They are great imitators, so be careful what you give them to imitate.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
You hung my first painting on the refrigerator,
And I wanted to paint another one.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
You fed a stray cat,
And I thought it was good to be kind to animals.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
You baked a birthday cake just for me,
And I knew that little things were special things.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
You said a prayer,
And I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
You kissed me goodnight,
And I felt loved.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
I saw tears come from your eyes,
And I learned that sometimes things hurt
But that it’s alright to cry.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
You smiled
And it made me want to look that pretty, too.
When you thought I wasn’t looking,
You cared,
And I wanted to be everything that I could be.
When you thought I wasn’t looking, I looked,
And wanted to say thanks
For all those things you did
When you thought I wasn’t looking.
This poem was written by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan, in gratitude to her mother, Blanche Schilke. She didn’t thank her mom for the money she spent on her, for the presents she bought her, or for the advice she gave her. She didn’t thank her mother for sending her to the best schools or for making sure she had designer clothes.
But it’s a poem that I think any parent would be grateful and happy to someday receive from a grown child. May it remind us all that the example we set for our children by the way we live is our real message to them.
****
Excerpted from the newly released book The New Good Life: Living Better Than Ever in an Age of Less, by John Robbins. For information about the author, visit his website.
Excerpted from the newly released book: The New Good Life: Living Better Than Ever in an Age of Less
Me and D. had a bit of a fight yesterday. It’s a bit difficult to see where our relationship is going. We do love each other but I don’t know what he has to offer… He can’t be WITH me. All I get is time here and there, as much as he can because he does make the effort, but only time here or there anyhow…
And he asked me a question yesterday. He asked me what I wanted. I just heard this song on the radio and that’s what I would like… A home, a family, happy children and parents in love. Enjoying the little things from daily life. Seeing my children grow up and enjoying every moment of it… and a home I can’t wait to get home to!
Oh yeah
Yeah oh yeahThe only ground I ever owned was sticking to my shoes
Now I look at my front porch and this panoramic view
I can sit and watch the fields fill up
With rays of glowing sun
Or watch the moon lay on the fences
Like that’s where it was hung
My blessings are in front of me
It’s not about the land
I’ll never beat the view
From my front porch looking inThere’s a carrot top who can barely walk
With a sippy cup of milk
A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong
‘Cause she likes to dress herself
And the most beautiful girl holding both of them
And the view I love the most
Is my front porch looking in, yeahI’ve traveled here and everywhere
Following my job
I’ve seen the paintings from the air
Brushed by the hand of God
The mountains and the canyons reach from sea to shining sea
But I can’t wait to get back home
To the one he made for me
It’s anywhere I’ll ever go and everywhere I’ve been
Nothing takes my breath away
Like my front porch looking inThere’s a carrot top who can barely walk
With a sippy cup of milk
A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong
‘Cause she likes to dress herself
And the most beautiful girl holding both of them
Yeah the view I love the most
Is my front porch looking inI see what beautiful is about
When I’m looking in
Not when I’m looking outThere’s a carrot top who can barely walk
With a sippy cup of milk
A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong
‘Cause she likes to dress herself
And the most beautiful girl holding both of them
Yeah the view I love the mostOh, the view I love the most
Is my front porch looking in
Yeah
Oh, there’s a carrot top who can barely walk
(From my front porch looking in)
A little blue eyed blonde with shoes on wrong, yeah
And the most beautiful girl
(Beautiful girl
From my front porch looking in)
Holding both of them
Oh, yeah
See the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-HtiZcHUmE
I am currently reading a great book titled: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. I read my books from the library so sometimes, I find old stuff that’s still really good 
Well, old is relative but anyway…
The book is really easy to read. I read one advice per day and it gets me thinking thoughout that day. The one I read last said that we have to learn to be bored. That it’s ok! The author mentions how we keep ourselves busy all the time and that is something I do. We get impatient waiting in line and kids today need stuff to bring for a car ride so that they are NOT bored.
But being bored actually helps creativity and imagination. It gives you time to think and we do very little of that when we are rushing from activity to activity. I see that a lot in kids today. My daughter likes to have friends over or go play at the park with friends. But she often has a hard time finding a friend who is free. Her friends are involved in all sorts of activities. They are never bored. On the weekends, their parents bring them to various activity and plan the entire weekend as if they are at day camp. Entertainment must be provided at all times, even during meals!
Whatever happened to kids being bored and finding something to do on their own? Wh is it that parents must occupy their kids so that they are NOT bored? I see that in class a lot with students. They don’t know what to do with themselves if they are not given clear instructions. They have a hard time with thinsg like: write about anything you want. They actually freak with that one. They want to be told what to do, how many words, what the topic is and everything. Where is the imagination and creativity in all that. It is very limited!
So try this: next time your kids tell you they are bored, let them be bored until they figure out something to do! You’ll be surprised!
I was going through depression before separating so I wonder how this new event will affect my depression. The constant fighting and dissapointments probably did not help… It’s only been a couple of days but I have already applied some of the tips found in this blog entry… before I had even read the article
I especially like the self-esteem file, which I will start! I will email a few people today and ask them for my 10 qualities…
You may be wondering why I’m talking about getting over divorce if my and my man are still going to see each other… because it feels like it anyway. It’s a kind of failure for me that the family and couple we tried to create did not work out… I feel just as if it is over. As if I am starting over. We have to rebuild our relationship on new ground…
12 Depression Busters for DivorceTuesday March 9, 2010
Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).
I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.
2. Change your routine.
The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment–all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn’t mean her life was over.
3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.
In her book “Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again,” psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:
Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.
Clean Out and Organize
In her book, Ready to Heal, Kelly McDaniel urges people who have just ended a relationship to preserve their energy, to avoid cluttering their days with too much activity. She writes, “The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [of a relationship] is equivalent to working a fulltime job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solution.” Do you feel tired? You’re working two jobs… that’s why!
Defy the Stereotype
Mary Jo Eustace will make any reader, but especially those who have lived through divorce, laugh out loud with her memoir, Divorce Sucks. I loved the part where she challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: “Our marriages didn’t work, so people assume we don’t quite work. And this is why it’s very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple’s dinner party, and we promise we won’t seduce anyone’s husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits.”
Take the High Road
I have no doubt your ex-spouse is responsible for a mother load of terrible things, legal pad after legal pad of inexcusable grievances you could report to your attorney. And you would be absolutely entitled to seek revenge (or even justice) for his all of his misjudgments. But is it worth it? That’s the question you might need to stick to your bathroom mirror on a sticky note. A friendly divorce isn’t necessarily a fair divorce. Which one do you want?
Make Your Own Community
One of the reasons married people win the happy contest, at least according to social experiments and polls, is that marriage (and families) become small communities. And human beings thrive in communities. In his book Bowling Alone, Harvard professor Robert Putman writes about the deterioration in American culture today of social connections–civic groups, bridge clubs, bowling leagues–and sites a variety of different studies that underscore the emotional and physical health benefits gained by hanging out in groups and participating in a community.
So when a family breaks up, it’s important that you replace the family with another community. If you’re not a support group kind of person, then invest your energy in a few friendships that can give you the feedback, comfort, and companionship you need at this difficult time. And consider this: even if you don’t become a permanent member, support groups can help you connect with people on important topics like how to talk to your children about the divorce, coping with unsupportive family members, accessing when it’s time to start dating, making the right financial decisions, and learning about divorce laws and your rights. There are divorce groups here in Beliefnet’s Community, or you can start the conversation in Group Beyond Blue.
You are definitely going to need a self-esteem file, because my guess is that at some point in the divorce process, you will blame yourself, look into the mirror, and say, “You’re a failure.” That’s not the truth, of course. But if you are like me, you won’t be able to convince yourself otherwise, and may need to collect the evidence from some really good friends, to whom you will give the assignment of listing ten of your positive qualities. If they don’t come through, ask another three friends, or maybe your mailman. He’s objective, right? Place the nice letters in a manila folder and label it My Self-Esteem File. Keep it handy, because every time someone complements you in the slightest (“Blue is a pretty color on you. It matches your eyes.”), you should jot the warm fuzzy down on a Post-It, and stick it into the file. Before long, that baby is going to be so fat that you can no longer carry it up and down stairs. Oh, and be sure to read it!
Share Your Wisdom
You don’t have to look too far to find all kinds of folks in troubled relationships. And whether you like it or not, you now have some experience that could be very helpful to them. My mom used to call up friends who were having marital problems and implore them to work harder at their marriage … to be more forgiving … to try their best to make it work so they might be spared the pain that she endured.
Your friendships and personal advice-giving boundaries may or may not allow this level of sharing. But maybe your divorce has freed you to become the person you were meant to be, and you want to inspire a friend who is stuck in an abusive relationship to get out, NOW, because divorce isn’t the death sentence that people think it is. Whatever your story is, you have wisdom tucked inside. Share it!
Ignore the Horror Stories
Now that I’ve told you to dispense unsolicited advice to the hurting person, I am going to tell you to ignore the unsolicited advice you get from everyone else. Well, let me qualify that. You know which voices are full of insight and wisdom and care. You can listen to them without shaking. And you’re getting better at identifying which persons are bitter and full of anger, and would love to spend an afternoon venting about their Satanic ex-spouse … am I right? My humble advice would be to guard yourself from the latter. Because you have enough worries on your plate. No need to load up on more courtesy of the “he’s the worst SOB who ever lived” chick.
Don’t Rush the Process
In her book, 101 Little Instructions for Surviving Your Divorce, Barbara Walton, a practicing divorce lawyer, offers some helpful tips and sound advice for the person navigating through the messy terrain of divorce. One is to treat the grieving process of a divorce just as you would a death … so you predict the same four phases: denial, anger, grief, and acceptance. But I interject one important difference: a person grieving the loss of her spouse from a death most likely will get more support from the community than the woman or man going through a divorce, which is even more reason you should be gentle with yourself and take your time to heal, really heal, from this traumatic event.
I thought this article was just really interesting. It’s a different way of looking at our past and what we experienced with our parents. I am currently trying to sort out a lot of stuff from my childhood, to see how my relationship with my dad and the divorce of my parents affected me. This helps put everything in a whole new perspective. What if all those ordeals made me who I am today. What if that’s not such a bad thing. It may just help easy the pain I suffered and still suffer today…
Choosing Our Parents
There’s a Native American belief that before we are born, we choose our parents. It actually ties in pretty nicely with the reincarnation idea that we prearrange certain circumstances before each life so as to learn different lessons. Either way, our parents teach us so much more than they ever mean to. Through their choices, circumstances, faults, talents and ability to show their love and support, they mold us. If life is a rat race, then our folks determine what we come out of the starting blocks with.
The gifts they give us are so much more than biological. Yeah, there’s the basics of whether or not you go through life as pretty, ugly, or just sort of plain looking. I don’t have to tell you that physical looks, athletic abilities, and general health definitely effect how we go through life. Our parents can decide whether or not we’re deformed or mentally challenged by deciding to create alcohol syndrome or drug addicted babies. And they genetically predispose us to various future challenges, like breast cancer or heart disease. Other than by taking care of our bodies with proper rest and nutrition while growing up, there isn’t a whole lot that they can do about most of the physical characteristics they pass along to us.
Most of us are average, that’s what average means. So most of us inherit average bodies with average talents and average health. So what does it matter who we choose as our parents? For proof, just look at the people who were raised by adopted parents or those who were raised in blended step-families. Their biology isn’t really what comes to mind when we look at the gifts and challenges they received from their ‘folks.’
Our parents – whether biological, adopted, or stepparents – determined what our environment would be while growing up. They chose our financial health, spiritual health, educational health, social health, and mental health. They may have consciously sat down and made the decisions and acted on them, or they may have paid no attention whatsoever to how those things would turn out. Many parents are themselves uneducated or unhealthy in some of these areas and don’t even know that there were other choices to be made. It’s not always intentional, what they chose. Either way, they made choices that determined all of those things for us.
It’s really easy if we had blessed childhoods to give thanks to our parents for making wonderful choices on our behalf. If we believe in that theory that we choose our parents before birth, then we can nod and say, “Yep, I certainly did pick some winners! Sure am glad I picked those two as my parents. They supported me in everything I ever wanted to do and paid for my music lessons and never stopped loving me no matter what!”
But what if you were one of those kids whose childhood sucked? Was your dad an alcoholic? Was your mom the queen of guilt trips? Was your dad the overachiever who pressure
d you to carry on his legacy? Was your mother a gold digger hopping from one wealthy man to the next, never really paying attention to you? Were your folks ignorant and uneducated, not having a clue that you were a bored genius with nobody to talk to? Did they make choices constantly based on themselves instead of their children? Were they artists who got so carried away in the creative process that they’d forget you existed at times? Whatever the story, you get the idea. You may or may not love your folks, but you know that if you had it to do over again you certainly wouldn’t have picked those two people to be in charge of your early years. The last thing you want to hear is that you might have chosen that upbringing for yourself.
Shift gears with me here, for just a minute. Look into yourself and tell me what you are most proud of. Is it your tenacity? Your ability to pick yourself up and carry on no matter what? Your moxie? Your incredible ability to read other people and know just how to reach out and help them? Your artistic ability to create music that sings to the soul of the lonely and uplift them for just a minute? Your incredible work ethic? Your own ability to really be present and in the moment with your own kids? Sit for a moment and look at the incredible strength and amazing traits that you created for yourself despite your parents.
If I had been the spoiled pampered princess I wanted to be, I would never be able to write for you today. It’s because I come from a broken home that I know how important true loving connection is regardless of whether the original two parents are the ones raising you or not. It’s because I was under the impression that I was abandoned that I found out how to be strong and independent and no longer clingy and needy. I wouldn’t have the pride and self assurance that I can overcome anything life throws at me if I had always had the safety net of family to fall back on. Look into your own life. Would you be the amazing person you are today if you had been raised with a silver spoon and ideal parents?
Initially when we begin our healing process, we can identify what particular flavor of ’screwed up’ we are and who’s fault it is that we turned out that way. Continuing on the path of healing, we get to a place where we can forgive those who helped create the mess that we became. Finally, we come to realize what a blessing it was that we got to go through that particular journey and to learn those particular lessons and to gain those particular tools and gifts as a result. Then we can be grateful that we chose the parents we did.
Here is an article written by an orthopedic doctor about the importance of family. This has been my reflection these last few days and I will write more about this. I have a hard time figuring out what family means these days. I do, however, strongly agree with this doctor about the importance of having a family and that having a successful family means more that having lots of money or recognition of any kind!
On the road to happiness, don’t forget the family
http://www.orthosupersite.com/view.asp?rID=60605
The security of being connected to, and loved by one’s family, cannot be attained through achievement or the accumulation of possessions.
By John D. Kelly IV, MD
ORTHOPEDICS TODAY 2010; 30:22
Picture this: you have mastered your craft, are an accomplished surgeon, have accumulated countless awards, and they are about to name a wing after you at the hospital. You make a lot of money and drive a Ferrari. There is only one problem … you are on your third marriage and two of your five children haven’t called you in months.
Is this the “script” you have envisioned for your life? Are you really happy?
Spiritual security
Truth is, it is difficult, if not impossible, to have any real measure of happiness and fulfillment without a loving support system — and there is no greater source of love than our families.
Many hardworking professionals are afflicted with the demons of workaholism: the allure of achievement can be intoxicating and ultimately workaholics become estranged from their loved ones. They work harder and harder to ease the pain of insecurity or to earn their worth. Ultimately, they find themselves alone and even more distressed. They become even more driven to dampen the pain and become engaged in a downward spiral of unhappiness.
 John D. Kelly IV |
For one to successfully embrace the stressors of a career in orthopedic surgery, a rich family life is essential. In the words of Morrie Schwartz from Tuesdays with Morrie, our families are our true “spiritual security.” They can be our anchors during the rough weather of work demands.
We enter and leave this world as part of a family. The extent to which we value family life will largely determine the quality of our lives. When we are old and near the end of life, will our families be there for us? The answer depends on us.
Great family cultures just do not happen; they result from a conscious decision to value family life. If we truly value our families, we will sow the seeds of a rich family culture during our lifetimes. When we decide to prioritize and extend love to our families, we will be blessed in return by a lifetime of steadfast support system.
With increasing work demands, the quality of family life suffers. In an effort to become “good providers” many well-intentioned orthopedic surgeons have simply neglected their spouses and children. This decision is shortsighted. It is truly difficult to attain any measure of real happiness when one is estranged from his or her family. In a previous column, I discussed the importance of marriage and how investing in marriage is the single most effective decision one can make toward lasting peace. The extent we prioritize marriage largely defines our happiness. The foundation of any good family is a great marriage.
The demands of orthopedic surgery can be overwhelming and our families are often the “collateral damage.” Most of us see ourselves as providers for the family and we push ourselves harder to maintain our standard of living. We must be continually developing an awareness of what we are doing (or not) to our families. If we neglect our loved ones, in time we will grow apart from them.
Truly productive workers give to others from their abundance. Likewise, a rich family life fuels success and is not an obstacle to it. Devotion and attention to family unity promotes achievement.
Unconditional love
When our batteries are charged with the security of a close, loving family, we can meet the world’s obstacles with the spiritual security and confidence that knowing we are loved can only bring. Our family nourishes our souls with what every human craves — unconditional love They provide us with a security that worldly acclaim cannot provide. They will be the ones at our bedside in our final days and they will be with us during the lawsuits, the infections and the other practice woes.
Children observe everything we do — and our actions speak louder than words. We simply cannot say “I love you,” yet appear emotionally distant or make no attempt to attend important events in our children’s lives. I am convinced that children want little more than our presence. You may think the paper you write, the award you receive or the position you attain will be your mark on the world — hardly. Your children are your real marks on the world. They reflect your values and can make substantial contributions to the world in a life of service.
Compare, the satisfaction you may receive from a “top-doc” recognition to the peace you may feel from knowing that your teenage daughter is certain you love her and that you are truly significant in her life. What joy compares to knowing that your family looks forward to you coming home. The security of feeling connection and love from family cannot be attained with achievement or possessions. The love of a spouse and children will enable to you to fulfill your dreams and give to others like no other force in the Universe. With a soul filled with the love of a family, you will want to give more to your patients, students and science.
Suggestions
- Write a script of what you want your spouse and children to say about you to others. How aligned are you to this vision?
- Create family traditions that are ironclad. Really go overboard with birthdays. Remind your children that their births were truly landmark events in your life.
- Schedule important family events into your schedule and let your secretary know that these events are, with rare exception, non-negotiable.
- Prioritize the family dinner. Data indicate that family meals help protect children against the allure of substance abuse.
- Treasure one-on-one time with children. Take one child to a conference. Every day ask each child, “How was your day?” Then simply give them space and be silent for a few seconds. Your loving presence will, in time, encourage openness and intimacy.
If it means making a little less this year to be more present to your families, do it! Your family’s standard of living is determined not by what you earn, but by what you give.
Remember, nobody on a death bed wished he or she worked more, and you don’t see U-Hauls following hearses. We want more than anything to be remembered as a good parent and a good spouse. Sow the seeds of a rich family culture, now. Your life and career depend on it.
For more information:
- John D. Kelly IV, MD, can be reached at University of Pennsylvania, Dept. of Sports Medicine 235 S 33rd St., Philadelphia, Pa. 19104-6322; 215-615-4400; e-mail: johndkellyiv@aol.com.
I am reading this book Having kids or not? (the book is in French) and I find it very interesting. It talks about all the issues to look at when deciding to have a child or not and what motivates people to choose one way or the other. I have a child already and I also have a stepchild. I always figured that when I met someone, we would have a child of our own. I wanted my daugther to grow up with sibblings. My boyfriend does not want children. Some of his reasons are legitimate, others I disagree with. But nevertheless, if he is not on board, I won’t have a child. There is not way I will have a child with someone who doesn’t want one. I made that mistake once and it has impacted my daughter very much.
What fascinates me is that the argument that comes up the most for not having kids is because of money. We want to be able to give everything to that one child that we have. But is that really a reason not to have children? Protecting your child from ever feeling like you love another child, that he or she needs to share your attention? Being able to afford trips at Disneyland at 3 and any activities that child wants? I have a problem with that… Here is an excerpt from the book that I strongly agree with. The parents who spoke these words have 10 children. Yes, I said 10. I don’t think I could have 10 children but, they didn’t stop to think about money or being able to offer their one kid the best life possible. They offered a family.I have translated it myself…
We discovered the joy of having children; it is a joy that is very simple, said Hélène. When you have your first or second child, because you are unexperienced, you don’t actually experience this pleasure. You are contronted with stress and simply went through this chore. As if young children are a chore! Some couples want their kids to be close in age so that they can get over it faster. This “chore” does not last very long. The joy of having children, is having children! Not to have adults as fast as possible! It’s a continual discovery. A large family is a school of life, a school of character: it develops sharing. Often we are 13 in a house that traditional families share with just 4. There are things that can’t be explained, things you just can’t justify. I’m not saying the raise themselves, but our children think of others every single day. We find that in general, today, children are very blasé. When you have done everything at 10 years old, there is no more magic. The enchantment dissapears. Children always want more.
For us, family is not just a question of food. There is the spiritual aspect, values to be taught, education to be dispensed. The problem is not if you can afford children, it’s to measure the impact of desires, of being able to distinguish between real needs and wants. Between what you really want and what is futile. When you don’t have a lot of money, you take a close look at these things: that’s healthy! It puts things in perspective. When you have only one child, these questions just don’t exist.
Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in a very small castle with her family: her father, the King, her mother, the Queen, and her little prince brother. Their kingdom was not a very big one and the King had to go to work to pay for the castle. While he worked, the Queen took care of both of her children and life was pretty uneventful.
The little princess longed for the attention of her father, but the King was more occupied withhis son the prince. Father and son spent lots of time together, and it was clear that the little prince was more valuable to the King. After all, he would become the next king.
Years flew by and the little princess longed for another kind of life. The King and Queen had begun to fight every single night and soon, the princess had to move to a different castle. She visited the King, but once more, it was clear that her father was more interested with his son the Prince. So, she longed for a prince of her own. Since her family was so dysfunctional, she longed for her own family, full of little princesses and little princes.
Very soon her father introduced her to various evil stepmothers, most of which detested the little princess and made her feel unwelcomed in her own castle. He mother the Queen started dating a knight who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. But even then, it was not enough for the princess to feel like she had a family. She still longed for the day her prince charming would come and sweep her off her feet.
And that moment came when she became an adult. Her prince came and made her heart flutter. She fell madly in love and imagined the great life she had ahead of her. Unfortunately, it was only after the birth of her very first child that she realised she had been deceived. Her prince was not a prince after all, but an evil sorcerer who had disguised himself as a prince.
The princess fled, taking her little princess with her. Thanks to the protection of her fairy godmothers, the evil sorcerer never bothered them again. She nevertheless hid in a little cabin in the forest and worked hard every single day. Gone were the days of dreaming of being a swept off her feet. Gone were the dreams of weddings, a castle full of children and dancing every night with her prince charming. She tended to her garden in order to feed her child, chopped wood and played with her daughter. Life was simple and safe.
But one day she met a knight of her own. He was as kind and as sweet as the man her mother the Queen had met. He too had seen his fairy tale end in a very horrible way. The princess he thought he had married turned out to be an awful witch who only wanted to turn him into one of her slaves. Because he was so strong and courageous, and because he had a pure heart, she did not succeed. He managed to escape but had to make a deal with her. He would give her part of his soul and part of his heart if he was allowed to see his son and be part of his life. The witch accepted the deal and the knight lost that part of his heart and soul forever.
The knight fell in love with the princess, but because of his missing heart part, he would not let himself go to passion. The princess had a brief moment of hope that her fairy tale could come true. That she could be married and have children and have the dream life she so longed for all those years ago. When she saw that the knight could not give her what she wanted, she decided to stay with him anyhow. She decided to build a life with him and figured they could protect and help each other.
The princess worked hard at creating a family, only it had another name now. It was called a stepfamily. Living under the constant threat of the evil witch was not easy, but the strength she had developed and the resilience that came from inside her was enough to survive anything. The knight loved her and she loved him back. They settled in a bigger house in the woods and raised their children together. It was a simple life really, but a good one. But sometimes, when the princess was sleeping, she would dream of giving a big ball in her castle, surrounded by tons of little happy children, and a smiling husband who would kiss the hand where he had placed a shining diamond.
My parents divorced when I was 10 years old. I am still today affected by this and I believe that I will always be. I don’t blame my parents for getting divorced. I was much better for me to live in two different households that to live with parents who disrespected each other and fought all the time. I do however, blame my dad for his attitude towards me in the whole thing.
My dad has always seemed more at ease with my brother. It was as if he did not know what to do with a girl. But that was not excuse for the way he made me feel left out. I felt, all my life, that I was not good enough for him. No matter what my choices were, they would be wrong. His harsh words resonate in my head every single day. He not only made me feel unworthy, he told me so. He was never interested in what I was doing and his dissapointment in me goes even beyond my attitude, my life choices… he even thinks I’m not good looking enough. My dad has always said that he dreamed of the day I would be older, a tall blond girl that he could walk next to and have people think was his girlfriend. Well, turns out I’m short with brown hair. I’m not ugly but I’m not the babe he was looking for.
Right now, I am working out those feelings. I have to let go of all that anger and resentment towards him. I need to let his words leave my head. I don’t know how I will accomplish this but I’m working that out. I think it is the first step for me to hopefully be happy one day!
I had already read this list of rules and it had made me think the very same thing as this author. The need, for a stepmother, to feel like she is consulted, and not have things imposed on her. The importance of her marriage or couple, before anything else so that the family has a chance of surviving. If only my man and his ex could read this and get it. And maybe even apply some of what is said here! Ouf!
I recently read an interesting post about a stepmother’s bill or rights on Becoming a Stepmom. Apparently there have been some interesting discussions floating around on the net about whether or not it is dangerous to stepfamilies. Below is one version of the bill of rights and my perspective on each.
1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
I agree with this one and don’t think it’s unreasonable for a married woman to want to be part of the decision-making process in her marriage and family at all times. I thought that’s how a married couple was supposed to operate. I think some people have a problem with this particular “right” because they assume that stepmothers mean that they should be involved in picking the school, doctor, dentist, religion, etc.for their stepchild. This is not what this “right” is saying. Stepmothers aren’t demanding control here, they are asking to be included on the decisions that directly affect them and their marriage as a whole and their husbands should include them on matters that will affect their marriage and family.
2. People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
Similar to the one above, this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Again, stepmothers aren’t asking to be included on choosing schools, dentists, doctors or signing their stepchildren up for extra curricular activities. I think all this falls under the heading of “common sense.” We know that we don’t need to be consulted on those types of things and don’t expect to be, IF the decisions don’t affect us. It’s when you sign them up and then notify the stepmother that she is the one who will be taking him every week that’s the problem. You can’t make plans for someone else’s life. My biological parents were married nearly 30 years before my dad passed away and neither of them ever signed us up for activities and then told the other (without checking their schedules) that he or she would be the one taking him. It’s called common courtesy and isn’t unreasonable to expect, even for a stepmother.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
This is another one that I find very difficult to understand why certain people don’t get it. Some have said that stepmothers should just accept that they won’t be involved in discipline because it should be left up to mom and dad and/or the children just won’t accept it. Personally, I don’t think CHILDREN should have a say in this matter. If you do something wrong and you’re in the care of an adult, that adult should have the right to discipline you. If the children are with grandma, do you tell her that she can’t discipline them when they misbehave? What about at school? When they do something wrong at school, do you expect the school not to implement some form of discipline because it should be left up to the biological parents? If your answer to either of those questions is no, then tell me, why should that be any different for stepmom? If the children are under her supervision, she should be allowed to set agreed upon limits for and discipline them. The fact that the kids won’t always listen has nothing to do with my right, as an adult, to impart discipline on them. Heck, sometimes my biological kid doesn’t listen and/or readily accept discipline, but that doesn’t stop me from disciplining him.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
This one all depends on the circumstances. Dad has an obligation to care for his children and stepmom cannot and should not dictate if his children can come live in his home or not, UNLESS that child has been violent towards her or any other children in the home. At that point, the stepmother should definitely be consulted and part of the reunification process as well.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
This one I can agree with!
6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
I think this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Stepmothers aren’t telling their husbands not to pay child support. We know that there are agreements that were made and must be adhered to, before we came along. Not to mention that a father should take care of his children, no matter where they reside and I wouldn’t expect anything less from my husband. However, there are times when ex-wives often want above and beyond what has been court ordered, and if it falls outside of the court-ordered amount which has already been budgeted and agreed upon, then yes, husband should consult with stepmom (his wife). As an ex, there have been times when I’ve called my ex and expressed that I needed some extra money for our son and I never got offended when he said he had to talk it over with his wife first to see what and/or if they could afford it. I think it is a fantasy for ex-wives to assume that they will forever be the ONLY partner in these types of decisions that involve their children once their ex-spouse remarries.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
I agree with this one. It all falls under the issue of respect, but kids, whether biological or step, don’t always listen and follow rules. It has nothing to do with them being your stepchildren and everything to do with them just being children.
8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
This one is another one that is often misinterpreted. It has nothing to do with instantly feeling like family and more to do with some of the points mentioned above; such as consulting stepmoms on certain decision, allowing them to be involved in discipline when the children are in their care and so on. Not doing those things is what makes stepmoms feel like outsiders. It’s not the fact that their husband’s kids prefer them and go to him with or ask him everything. Again, growing up in my biological family, I sometimes had a preference for one parent over the other, and they were both my biological parents. Personally, I’ve never felt like an outsider in my home. I actually enjoy the times that both my bio son and stepson prefer to be with my husband. It is at those times that I get a the opportunity to have some “me” time. I think most stepmothers feel like outsiders for other reasons.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
I totally agree with this one! Respect is one of our household rules.
10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
This one makes me want to pull my hair out because people don’t get it. I’ve heard everything from, “children are a priority too” or “you can’t neglect the kids” or “isn’t that selfish?” I’m a little taken aback with people always telling stepmothers what they already know. We know that kids are a priority too! We know that it’s not the marriage or the kids, it’s marriage and kids. We don’t neglect our children just because we expect our marriage to be a priority. A marriage will not last unless it’s the first priority. The husband and wife are the pillars of the family. They are responsible for setting the foundation for how the family will run. If they don’t blend and aren’t on the same page, then the family won’t make it, be it biological or step. If they aren’t happy in their partnership and as a couple, then the family won’t be happy as a whole. And again, it doesn’t matter if the family is biological or step.
Making your marriage a priority means that you realize that your spouse is your life partner. Make time for him or her instead of always focusing on the drama with your past marriage. Include him or her in decisions that will directly affect him or you. There shouldn’t always be a battle between your kids and/or your ex-spouse and your spouse. I always say that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner and should always be treated as such. This is what stepmoms mean by not wanting to feel like outsiders in their home and wanting their marriages to be a priority. These are common sense things that should apply to any marriage. It doesn’t mean that stepmoms are victims, they want their husbands to just do away with all their responsibilities as fathers or they desire some unreasonable amount of control. It means that stepmoms desire to be treated like wives and life partners. Personally, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Grace and Peace,
*Kela*
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com/wordpress/index.php/2731
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