This article is great and I will find a way to release my anger. I recognised myself in this article big time. I get angry, it simmers and comes out all wrong. It tires me out to be this angry at so many things. So I have to find a way to release. I’m thinking of some kind of karate or kickboxing class. Not only will it help with the anger, it will help me stay in better shape!

Oh and I love the part about the singing loudly in a car… I do that all the time when I need a release! What do you guys do with anger?

And the topic at tonight’s meeting was….ANGER.

I am not a violent woman but I have anger “issues.” A lot of us women have anger “issues” – we just don’t know it. That’s because we don’t know how angry we are. For me, I didn’t really even know what anger was until I was told I was angry.

I learned there is obvious, apparent anger – like when your girlfriend brings over her little dog and it makes a deposit on the area rug in your bedroom and you don’t see it and you are barefoot and then next thing you know…

Then there is the anger that rises like yeast. It simmers as a resentment for weeks, months or even decades. It is deep inside you, where it is dark. What started as just a grain of anger begins to bubble up and froth. You mix it with a bunch of other ingredients – jealousy, indignation, pride – knead it over and over and over and the next thing you know you have this big icky blob that sticks to anything it comes in contact with – your boss, kids, partner or even your dog.

(Ok. Enough with the bread analogy. I’m getting hungry.)

Seriously, many of us women never learned to do anger, especially if you are like me, raised by a mother who never burned a bra or protested the war. I was taught  that ladies do not get angry. We dismiss verbal barbs – “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.”

What does anger have to do with depression? Everything. My depression is easily triggered by anger turned inward. I get mad at myself for letting a guy treat me bad. I get mad at my boss. I get mad that there are only are a couple of  women parked in the executive parking lot.

What do I do with that anger? I play it over and over in my head. I think of the things I should have said or done. I think of ways to get even. Then I think what a loser I am for not actually doing or saying the things now rattling around in my head.

That’s anger. I finally dealt with mine with a baseball bat. My therapist wanted me to use a whiffle bat and I tried. When you’re talking 40+ years of anger a whiffle bat is kind of lame. So I got myself a metal bat and headed to a junkyard. I took a Sharpie and wrote the names of the people who had really hurt me on the hood of an old green truck. Then I went to town. Smashing windshields and headlights. Kicking tires with my steel toed boots. Swinging over and over again until I could swing no more.

Of course, this felt really good at the time but the next day I could barely move. Every muscle, EVERY MUSCLE, ached and throbbed. So, here is my ladylike way of dealing with anger now: I get in the car, roll up the windows, find a road with little traffic, turn on the stereo and scream along with Alanis Morissette’s You Oughta Know.

Or I jump into my pool, dunk underwater and scream. Or I go to the gym and torture one of those squishy medicine balls by raising it above my head and slamming it into the floor over and over and over.

(Wow! I’m feeling better just writing about doing this!)

All I am saying is, if you have depression, find your anger. It is there. You may not look angry or feel angry. But it is there.

Get rid of it or it will get rid of you.

I have decided to try and write what I am most grateful about as much as possible. This is all in an effort to find happiness and be more positive in life….

I am grateful for D. Things seem a lot better. We still have a lot of work ahead of us but he is teaching me patience and acceptance and I am grateful for it. I am also grateful for his patience and his help.

I am grateful for my mother, who thinks of me all the time and does all that she can to understand and accept me as I am.

I am grateful for my friends who are always there for me, to help or just to listen. I am very lucky to have them in my life.

I am grateful for my teaching degree. It allows me to have possibilities in terms of work at all times.

I am grateful for my little appartment. It is cozy and feels safe and I feel at peace, most of the time, here.

I am grateful for my daughter who amazes me every day and teaches me to be the best person I can be. I am her example and I strive to be the best mom and woman I can be through her eyes.

and I am grateful for my truck. Sounds silly, but not only is it a reliable mode of transportation, it allowed me to go get a dishwasher yesterday! Oh and I am grateful I no longer have to wash dishes by hand

I really like this author and cannot wait to read her book. I like the idea to make happiness an actual project and that’s what I’m trying to do. This specific article has you think about the obstacles to happiness. My main obstacles are clearly identified: trying to please everyone so that I end up not being myself and being unhappy, stress (over money, over what people think, over my future etc…), and my relationship that needs to be more clearly defined… Whether you are happy or not, this is an article worth reading!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/201005/happiness-question-whats-obstacle-your-happiness

May 27, 2010, Happiness

Happiness Question: What’s an obstacle to your happiness?

I’m very “reflective” today. Thinking about what might have caused my depression and the break-up of my stepfamily. I have decieded to finish reading Stepmonsters, a book about stepmothers, even though I am no longer a stepmom. I’m almost at the end of the book and I have to say that it does help me reflect on what happened. There is a section where she talks about rumination and that really got to me.

What the author, Wednesday Martin explains, we stepmothers tend to ruminate about stuff that happens. One event makes us remember another painful event until it goes around and around in circle and it engulfs us completely. That is one of the things that kept happening to me. The other issue she talks about is feeling completely alone. That’s how I felt. I did not feel support from my man and I did not think he understood. People around me were supportive but did not really understand.

I am slowly accepting that this adventure is over for the right reasons. That I did not fail. That I did everything I could but it just didn’t work out and that getting out of this life was the best decision for everyone. I have see proof of this every single day since I have left. My daughter is happier. She does not seem as stressed. I am sleeping and eating right. My anxiety is almost completely gone and I feel like taking steps towards making my life better. I have been able to deal with conflicts much easier. I have been able to step up for myself and express myself to my man and he actually seems to understand! He also seems a lot more relaxed around me and things are much easier.

We have decided to go away for the weekend, just the two of us. We used to enjoy those weekends but as time went by, they got worse and worse. We just could not get away from our life. I wonder how it will be this time. I am hopeful that we will simply appreciate each other’s company and have a good time… it has been a long time since we had a good time together. We love each other, that I am sure of. Our lives are just not compatible right now. But I do hope that one day, we will be able to live together again. But for now, this is great and seems to be working!

A very short entry today.

I am finally settled in my new home. I have stopped waking up in the middle of the night and feeling completely lost. I would wake up and wonder where I was. Now, this is feeling like my little nest. Not a home but a sanctuary. I feel safe here. I feel like I can recover here. Like I can move on, like I can find myself.

I miss D. very much. His daily presence was reassuring and made me feel as though I was not alone. But the negative issues that came with it were just too much. I realise now that I forgot about myself completely when I lived with him. I simply went into this mode where I tried to take care of everyone but myself. I tried to fix the issues with his ex and with his child and became way too emotionally involved with all of it. I am slowly letting go. I have decided that it is not up to me to fix stuff for him anymore. I also know that it does not have to affect me and that I deserve respect. And I will demand it from now on.

Things with D. are a lot easier but I am still riddled with fear. I wonder if our old problems will resurface. If we can have a relationship where I feel cherished and most of all respected. Where we are truthful and loving… I am very afraid that he will become so independant and will not think of me. Too often I feel like I’m only there to fill the holes in his life, I get the leftovers. But I will work on asking for what I need. Not sulking, stating what is right for me and what is not.

So, right now, I’m enjoying nesting, fixing up my little santuary to make it feel as cozy as I can for my daugter and myself. I will be reading a lot in the next few weeks as well, something I never had the energy to do. I want to read books that will help me appreciate life and fix up stuff about myself. Then, I will have to think of fixing up my career and what I will do for the rest of my life.

For once, I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train! It may actually be the sun coming out!!!

This article explains exactly what I think was happening to me. Although I love D. very much, our relationship was destroying me. The part where the author compares daily life to being at war, always expecting bombs and living under extreme stress is exactly what I have been going through for months. If you are in this type of relationship, I’m telling you: GET OUT! Find others ways to see each other and see if that works, if not, leave each other to be happy separately…

You Can’t Be Happy in a Toxic Relationship

I feel a little weird in this new appartment this morning. D. is coming over for supper… it also feels weird…

I am slowly adapting to this place. I wake up at night and sometimes wonder where I am and how come my bed is empty… why he is not here…. I have been feeling sick this last week and very weak. I wish he was here to comfort me and make me feel better. I wish he was here to help so that I would not be a single mom, once again, having to do everything on my own because nobody is there.

But, on the other hand, I feel free. There is no fighting here. No stress. No axiety. I have not had any anxiety attacks in days! I have not even felt depressed or cried. I hope it is not because I am too busy setting up this place… but I think it is good for me to be here alone.

I don’t know how our relationship will continue. I feel like an old lady that was placed in a home by her family. She had become too much of a burden and everyone thought it was for the best for her to be placed somewhere safer. For her sake and theirs. Of course, they will visit… but she still feels alone. Safe, but so alone. This appartment is neat. It has everything I need but it is not and will never be a home.

I am trying to focus on me and my daughter. I grocery shopped for our favourite foods and I even did my nails yesterday! I know, it sounds really ridiculous but taking care of myself has been nonexistent for the last few months. Showering was a huge task so!

I don’t have any plans for the future and I don’t want to have any. I have my next few weeks planned and that’s it. I don’t want to think of anything further. Eventually I will have to think about work. Part of me wants to try something completely new. I don’t know if teaching is for me anymore. I don’t know if I have the energy. What’s great about my degree is that I can always try something else and go back if I want.

I’ll start looking in a few months for something else. Something completely different to throw myself into. I would love something in publishing. I am finishing an article for a magazine today and I just love writing. This is also what this blog is all about. So if I could find something along that line… I just don’t know.

I’m seeing my doctor today and I will probably still be on sick leave for another few months. I am recovering, I think… finally! But I am far from recovered,especially with this separation. But I feel like things can finally get better. Getting back to basics.

But I sill feel alone. I still miss him. I still miss having a family and people to surround me every day. I wonder if this is my life! Taking care of my daughter, being by myself and seeing people from time to time? The rest of my life will be work? I don’t know… I’m still thinking!

I was going through depression before separating so I wonder how this new event will affect my depression. The constant fighting and dissapointments probably did not help… It’s only been a couple of days but I have already applied some of the tips found in this blog entry… before I had even read the article

I especially like the self-esteem file, which I will start! I will email a few people today and ask them for my 10 qualities…

You may be wondering why I’m talking about getting over divorce if my and my man are still going to see each other… because it feels like it anyway. It’s a kind of failure for me that the family and couple we tried to create did not work out… I feel just as if it is over. As if I am starting over. We have to rebuild our relationship on new ground…

12 Depression Busters for DivorceTuesday March 9, 2010

Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!

1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).

I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.

The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment–all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn’t mean her life was over.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

In her book “Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again,” psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.

Clean Out and Organize

These are two things I believe are essential to a couple, but are indispensable in a stepfamily. I have recently realized that I did not have both in my relationship and that may be why things are so difficult.

I won’t go into too many details but I recently found out I have been lied to for many months. The relationship with my man and his ex has always been complicated and difficult for me to grasps. Turns out that to protect this relationship, my man thought that it was better to lie to me, and her basically. Keeping the peace by telling her everything was my fault and keeping the peace with my by playing innoncent.

You can imagine just how awful and duped I feel right now. Honesty is a big thing for me. I’m very expressive with m feelings and thoughts and everyone can know what I think all the time. But apparently, this side of my personality is difficult to deal with. So for the last few months, I have worked at keeping my thoughts to myself, keeping my feelings to myself. It didn’t work. It made me explode even more when I finally couldn’t keep it in.

If my relationship was based on lies, no wonder I got none of the support I needed. I never felt like he understood, like he considered how I felt in all this. I always felt as if he was waiting for me to change, to adapt. Well that’s all done.

I like myself. I am a good person. I am a hard worker. I am intelligent. I think of others and I like taking care of others. I am talkative, sometimes too much, but it means I like to talk to people. I am interested in many things. I am intelligent and love to learn. I am very maternal with my kids but also with my stepson. I like to make sure they are well taken care of. I am a good girlfriend that like to think of her man and what would make him happy. I am a good daughter that will always be there when he parents need her. I am a good friend who can listen and be there for her friends when they need her. I am pretty and I can be sexy. I am passionate in everything, especially love. I am a romatic and a dreamer. I am not a liar, a hypocrite. I say what I think (of course I am diplomatic and don’t do it on purpose to hurt people).

I lost this person for a while. Well that’s over. Back to me now. Back to who I am. I will no longer try to be the person he wants me to be and I will be myself.

Day 1 of back to myself:

I will take care of myself today by taking a walk and exercising. I will also eat a good meal at lunch today, something healthy.

I will continue reading Stepmonster because it makes me feel really good.

I will go to the library to get some new books, because libraries makes me happy

I will finish the laudry for my family because I like doing things for them, not because I feel obligated.

Enough with the pity party. If he decided to lie, it has nothing to do with me but with issues he has. It does not diminish who I am. I will not let it!!!!

Today is my birthday but I really see nothing to celebrate. I feel right now, as if my whole life is a failure. The family I always wanted to have does not exist, my relationship is unsatisfaying to say the least and career wise… ouf, let’s not even talk about it. I’m 32 years old. To many that seems like I have a lot of years ahead of me, but I don’t know if it’s the depression talking but I see those 32 years as wasted. Years learning lessons if we want to see it in a positive light but with all these life lessons, you would think my life would feel a little bit more fulfilling.

Sorry, depressing a bit today but that’s how I feel. Nostalgic of how life could have been. Depressed with how much work is needed to make it better… I just can’t wait for this day to be over so I can go on with my boring, daily routines. When I’m doing laudry or cooking supper, I at least feel like I serve a purpose in this life. Today, if I try to look at my life, I see nothing good…