Archive for March, 2010

As part of my new resolution to spend quality time with my man and think of our couple first and as part of my new resolution to be open-minded and try new things… even if they scare me… I had a wonderful weekend in Lake Placid.

It is not our first time there. We have been there a few times. Me and D. love to go shopping at the Gap Outlet and the face of the guy at the cash is always very fun to watch. When we go, we usually spend a few hundred dollars. We may just look like a bunch of people who live in the woods and come out to shop once or twice a year! The faces of the employees at the Gap Outlet is priceless. By the way, if you are anywhere close to a Gap Oulet, they really are worth it. Prices are cut in half and there is a coupon you can print right now where you get an extra 15%. Here is the link: http://www.gap.com/browse/info.do?cid=48620

We stayed at a different hotel this time. It was not so great. It was right in town, which made it easy to go  shopping and go out for supper and drinks in the evening. The hotel was clean but really awful in terms of decor! It was probably really great when the Olympics were in Lake Placid back in 1980 but now… it is a little outdated. It was a little loud as well. There was a hockey tournament going on that weekend so there were a lot of little boys running around the hotel…

Our weekend was great in terms of our relationship. The fact that we talked about other things than the kids, our stepfamily and our problems really helped recreate the bond. I have not felt as close to him as I do now for a long time.

Now for the thing I actually tried: BOBSLED. I was really nervous and really wondered if I could do it until the last minute. That thing goes 100 km (50 miles) per hour! It is so much faster and so much more thrilling than any ride I have ever tried before, any rollercoaster. D. just couldn’t wait to try it. It was a little too expensive (75$ per person) but since this is a once in a lifetime experience, it was worth it. We both goth a t-shirt and a photo which I have included on this page. It was really fun. It was especially fun to try this with D. It was as if we shared something together. I so want to build on that. On us having good memories. The last year has been so horrible that we need to rebuild our memories as a couple.

Things are way better. I am finally settling into this new home of mine. I still lack energy however. The morale is way better and I feel like I am finally beating this depression but I get tired really easily. I don’t however, go into deep depressed episodes like I used to. I have not cried for weeks not which is amazing. I sometimes feel a little sad, especially when I think about the failure of our stepfamily, the fact that I no longer live in our home and that me and D. live separately but overall things are so much better that it is difficult to feel sad for very long.

Here is the link for those of you interested in trying the bobsled: http://www.whiteface.com/activities/bob.php

And I highly recommed Lake Placid as a weekend gettaway… just read the reviews for the hotel BEFORE booking it though…

Something completely different today. I wanted to share the following website for my canadian friends out there. Living on my own, I once again have to budget everything. I have looked at everything I can and it is not easy to cut expenses. One of the expenses I can easily cut is on groceries. This is one of the places where I can try ot save a little bit.

First I use the flyers and the specials to plan my groceries and I try to see what kind of meals I can make with what is on special that week. That has saved me more than 50$ a week so far.

I also use the following website to order coupons: http://save.ca/ You simply select the products you usually use and have them sent to your home adress.

Does anybody else have websites that can help with saving on groceries or other items?

I was not sure about this move. I knew that for myself I needed to do it. But I was certain that it would mean the end of me and D. I am pleasantly surprised. D. and his son came over for supper last night. This is our second get-together since I moved out and once again, it went great. Everyone was relaxed, happy to see each other. His son kept saying how good my supper was and the kids had a blast playing together.

My relationship with D. has changed completely as well. We are a lot less tense. We are a lot more focused on the two of us. I feel as though we are falling in love with each other again. I was especially surprised to find that our conversations have changed dramatically. Before, it used to be 95% talk about the stepfamily, the kids and the ex. Now it was quite the contrary. We talked about our kids but sharing info and supporting each other, not criticizing or anything! The ex does not come up in our conversation at all. We talked about work, plans for the future, plans for our summer, things we like etc. REAL CONVERSATION.

We are spending the weekend together and I can’t wait. This was a really good move I believe!

I have just finished reading this entry and this part really got to me:

3.  I am better off not knowing everything. Before this challenge, I would listen to my stepdaughter tell me all about her phone conversations with her mom. Then I would get so worked up when I heard all the lame excuses why she hadn’t called for six months or made promises that I knew she wouldn’t keep. I would see my stepdaughter get off the phone and dance around the house in complete “joy” while I knew what was around the corner – more rejection when the promises were unmet.  I would start visualizing what that meant for me.

Now, I choose not to listen to the recap. I don’t want to know what was talked about and I feel 110% better on days when she does call. I put myself on a need to know basis and I love it.

This can be applied in an ex-wife situation. You can let your husband know you don’t need the details, just the info regarding dates and times for visitation schedules, etc…. This will blow his mind and make him eternally grateful. Men typically aren’t into details plus they don’t like to deliver information to their wives that they know can be potentially explosive!

read more at: http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/not-taking-things-personally-lessons-learned-from-the-40-day-challenge/

I have decided to apply this in my life now. I will not ask for details about the ex anymore. Of course I need the info about dates and stuff so we can still plan a life together but I don’t want to know about anything else. I will let D. deal with her and I will not let her poison my life anymore. It is no longer any of my business. And this time, not living together and not being so completely overwhelmed with this stepfamily situation, I think I can actually do it. Distance myself from this drama and simply love my man, myself and my daughter and learn to accept my stepson as he is.

Since I have been reading so many books these past few months and plan to continue this habit, I though I would share my thoughts about the books I read. I am far from an expert “critique” and these are merely my opinions. I also don’t feel like bashing any books on this website so the books I will place in this book review section will be books that I enjoyed.

I have just finished reading Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. I should have read this book at the beginning of my relationship with D. It may have helped with all the illusions I had about what a stepfamily was. Since we are no longer a stepfamily, I doubt I will be reading many books about it. But, if you are a stepmother or are thinking of becoming one because you met a wonderful man with kids, read this book first. I read many books on stepfamilies and most of them talk about how the kids are dealing with all of it, very rarely how the stepmother deals with all of it.

There is a section in the book that is really interesting, although a little bit long, about how animals deal with stepfamilies. I though the research was really interesting. I was a little disspointed that there was not so much about how to deal with the ex, since that has been one of my biggest issues.

Overall, however, this was the best stepfamily/stepmother book I have read.

I’m very “reflective” today. Thinking about what might have caused my depression and the break-up of my stepfamily. I have decieded to finish reading Stepmonsters, a book about stepmothers, even though I am no longer a stepmom. I’m almost at the end of the book and I have to say that it does help me reflect on what happened. There is a section where she talks about rumination and that really got to me.

What the author, Wednesday Martin explains, we stepmothers tend to ruminate about stuff that happens. One event makes us remember another painful event until it goes around and around in circle and it engulfs us completely. That is one of the things that kept happening to me. The other issue she talks about is feeling completely alone. That’s how I felt. I did not feel support from my man and I did not think he understood. People around me were supportive but did not really understand.

I am slowly accepting that this adventure is over for the right reasons. That I did not fail. That I did everything I could but it just didn’t work out and that getting out of this life was the best decision for everyone. I have see proof of this every single day since I have left. My daughter is happier. She does not seem as stressed. I am sleeping and eating right. My anxiety is almost completely gone and I feel like taking steps towards making my life better. I have been able to deal with conflicts much easier. I have been able to step up for myself and express myself to my man and he actually seems to understand! He also seems a lot more relaxed around me and things are much easier.

We have decided to go away for the weekend, just the two of us. We used to enjoy those weekends but as time went by, they got worse and worse. We just could not get away from our life. I wonder how it will be this time. I am hopeful that we will simply appreciate each other’s company and have a good time… it has been a long time since we had a good time together. We love each other, that I am sure of. Our lives are just not compatible right now. But I do hope that one day, we will be able to live together again. But for now, this is great and seems to be working!

A very short entry today.

I am finally settled in my new home. I have stopped waking up in the middle of the night and feeling completely lost. I would wake up and wonder where I was. Now, this is feeling like my little nest. Not a home but a sanctuary. I feel safe here. I feel like I can recover here. Like I can move on, like I can find myself.

I miss D. very much. His daily presence was reassuring and made me feel as though I was not alone. But the negative issues that came with it were just too much. I realise now that I forgot about myself completely when I lived with him. I simply went into this mode where I tried to take care of everyone but myself. I tried to fix the issues with his ex and with his child and became way too emotionally involved with all of it. I am slowly letting go. I have decided that it is not up to me to fix stuff for him anymore. I also know that it does not have to affect me and that I deserve respect. And I will demand it from now on.

Things with D. are a lot easier but I am still riddled with fear. I wonder if our old problems will resurface. If we can have a relationship where I feel cherished and most of all respected. Where we are truthful and loving… I am very afraid that he will become so independant and will not think of me. Too often I feel like I’m only there to fill the holes in his life, I get the leftovers. But I will work on asking for what I need. Not sulking, stating what is right for me and what is not.

So, right now, I’m enjoying nesting, fixing up my little santuary to make it feel as cozy as I can for my daugter and myself. I will be reading a lot in the next few weeks as well, something I never had the energy to do. I want to read books that will help me appreciate life and fix up stuff about myself. Then, I will have to think of fixing up my career and what I will do for the rest of my life.

For once, I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train! It may actually be the sun coming out!!!

This article explains exactly what I think was happening to me. Although I love D. very much, our relationship was destroying me. The part where the author compares daily life to being at war, always expecting bombs and living under extreme stress is exactly what I have been going through for months. If you are in this type of relationship, I’m telling you: GET OUT! Find others ways to see each other and see if that works, if not, leave each other to be happy separately…

You Can’t Be Happy in a Toxic Relationship

I feel a little weird in this new appartment this morning. D. is coming over for supper… it also feels weird…

I am slowly adapting to this place. I wake up at night and sometimes wonder where I am and how come my bed is empty… why he is not here…. I have been feeling sick this last week and very weak. I wish he was here to comfort me and make me feel better. I wish he was here to help so that I would not be a single mom, once again, having to do everything on my own because nobody is there.

But, on the other hand, I feel free. There is no fighting here. No stress. No axiety. I have not had any anxiety attacks in days! I have not even felt depressed or cried. I hope it is not because I am too busy setting up this place… but I think it is good for me to be here alone.

I don’t know how our relationship will continue. I feel like an old lady that was placed in a home by her family. She had become too much of a burden and everyone thought it was for the best for her to be placed somewhere safer. For her sake and theirs. Of course, they will visit… but she still feels alone. Safe, but so alone. This appartment is neat. It has everything I need but it is not and will never be a home.

I am trying to focus on me and my daughter. I grocery shopped for our favourite foods and I even did my nails yesterday! I know, it sounds really ridiculous but taking care of myself has been nonexistent for the last few months. Showering was a huge task so!

I don’t have any plans for the future and I don’t want to have any. I have my next few weeks planned and that’s it. I don’t want to think of anything further. Eventually I will have to think about work. Part of me wants to try something completely new. I don’t know if teaching is for me anymore. I don’t know if I have the energy. What’s great about my degree is that I can always try something else and go back if I want.

I’ll start looking in a few months for something else. Something completely different to throw myself into. I would love something in publishing. I am finishing an article for a magazine today and I just love writing. This is also what this blog is all about. So if I could find something along that line… I just don’t know.

I’m seeing my doctor today and I will probably still be on sick leave for another few months. I am recovering, I think… finally! But I am far from recovered,especially with this separation. But I feel like things can finally get better. Getting back to basics.

But I sill feel alone. I still miss him. I still miss having a family and people to surround me every day. I wonder if this is my life! Taking care of my daughter, being by myself and seeing people from time to time? The rest of my life will be work? I don’t know… I’m still thinking!

I was going through depression before separating so I wonder how this new event will affect my depression. The constant fighting and dissapointments probably did not help… It’s only been a couple of days but I have already applied some of the tips found in this blog entry… before I had even read the article

I especially like the self-esteem file, which I will start! I will email a few people today and ask them for my 10 qualities…

You may be wondering why I’m talking about getting over divorce if my and my man are still going to see each other… because it feels like it anyway. It’s a kind of failure for me that the family and couple we tried to create did not work out… I feel just as if it is over. As if I am starting over. We have to rebuild our relationship on new ground…

12 Depression Busters for DivorceTuesday March 9, 2010

Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!

1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).

I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.

The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment–all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn’t mean her life was over.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

In her book “Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again,” psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.

Clean Out and Organize

I found this great article by Wednesday Martin, author of the really great book Stepmonsters. I went a little extreme in disengaging… I moved out. But to me, there was no other way. I wanted to keep my man but wanted to survive… even live my life! I will try to apply the three rules in the following article and I hope it will be easier by not living together. I now know that nothing regarding his child is my fault. It is not my responsability. I have a responsability towards my daughter and myself and I have to love and cherish my man and support him… not try to fix his life and his life with his son!

Top Concern of Women with Stepkids: His Kids!

Power imbalances in the household (guess who has the power?) are common in stepfamily life. That doesn’t mean we can’t do something about them. 

It seems we have concerns. Big ones. Lots of them. 

No surprise there. Stepmothering is one of the toughest roles around—ambiguous, demanding, depleting, charged, and frequently thankless. You told me about unduly empowered stepchildren, stepkids not getting the love and support from their mom you’d like to see them getting, undermining exes bent on preventing you from developing a relationship with the kids, financial anxieties, fears about your marriage/partnership, loss of identity, feelings of disappointment and even depression. 

Today’s top concern, gleaned from your comments, is problems with his kids. Whether they’re emotionally unhealthy (“spoiled,” “entitled,” “lazy,” “too much power in our household,” “angry,” “not getting the love they need from their mom”), hostile and resentful in the textbook ways, stealing your stuff or even physically violent toward you or your own kids, his kids seem to be The Problem. 

What’s behind all this—and what can you do to feel happy once again, rather than constantly on edge and stressed, fighting with your partner about how the kids of any age behave in general, and behave toward you in particular? First, you’ll have to let go of an idea or two. And the good news is, this can be remarkably freeing. 

Ask yourself, am I living the dream that something I can do will “fix it” with his kids, or that something I have done, some way I am, is what has “broken it” with them? Here’s the truth: Problems with his kids are generally neither attributable to nor fixable by you. It just feels that way. So the first order of business is Let. That. Idea. Go. And feel your sense of responsibility–and your resentment for not being appreciated for your efforts–ebb away. 

Problems you have with his kids are actually most often problems you have with him, problems he has with them, and problems with/courtesy of his ex. Here’s the breakdown of what’s likely making your life hell with his kids of any age right now—and what you can do to make it better: 

1. Loyalty binds. Kids of any age might believe, “If I like my stepmom, I’m betraying my mom.” Mom may be exacerbating this anxiety, even encouraging the kids in their arms-length or outright hostile treatment of you, for reasons that we’ll get to another day. But whether they’re 4 or 54, his kids may well feel that giving you a chance is the ultimate betrayal of Mom. What it means for you: here’s your permission slip–don’t try too hard with a kid in a loyalty bind! You heard it, don’t bend over backwards to ingratiate or please that kid as those efforts will backfire, and only build your resentment. Instead when the kid of any age in a loyalty bind shows up, show him or her that you have your own life, interests and priorities. Odd as it sounds, this makes you seem less threatening, demanding, and hate-able, and it frees him or her up to come to you in their own time and way. Or not. Either way, not knocking yourself out = not feeling rejected and hurt. Which gives you energy to be there as an ally down the line, or simply be civil and kind when they’re around. 

2. Often these kids simply have problems before you even show up. In her Virginia Longitudinal Study, divorce and stepfamily expert E. Mavis Hetherington had mostly good news about our resilience in the face of divorce and remarriage. But she also found that kids of divorce were twice as likely to have serious social and emotional problems as kids in general. Moreover, Hetherington and most experts assert that these issues are attributable to problems and conflict in the previous marriage, not from the divorce per se. Divorce doesn’t “ruin” kids. But all the conflict they experience prior to the divorce may prime them for social and emotional issues—so think of yourself as a bystander to that process, if you will. What it means for you: zero guilt, zero responsibility. When a stepchild has problems, you don’t need to take on any more than feels genuine or realistic to you, no matter what others think you should do. Your obligation is to step back and give the parents a respectful distance in their efforts to help a troubled kid, while you keep the focus on your own life and happiness, and on creating circumstances such that you feel safe and central in your own home when his kids of any age are around. Which brings us to… 

3. Your partner. Poor guy. Or gal. He or she is likely not making your life so difficult on purpose! But post divorce, permissive parenting may become the norm, because dad feels guilty and scared that he’s seeing his kids less so forgets the word “no,” because mom feels overwhelmed by single motherhood and starts letting the discipline go, and/or because smart kids of any age learn to “game the system” and play one parent off the other. And permissive parenting = unduly empowered stepchildren with little sense that others matter. Least of all their father’s wives and their father’s marriages or partnerships. Long story short: problems with his kids = problems between you and your partner. If your stepkids steal from you, coerce you physically or emotionally, or are violent toward you, my advice and the advice of many stepfamily experts is, calmly and firmly request an immediate, temporary moratorium on his kids being in the house until things are sorted out, and then get to a qualified therapist stat, since violence, stealing, and intimidation might reasonably be considered deal breakers in a marriage. 

More often than creating these types problems, a permissive, lax partner and ex in the picture will have raised kids who strikes us as (and may well be) spoiled, entitled, unhelpful around the house, immature, and unable/unwilling to be responsible for themselves and their actions. It also creates a “strict” stepmother in comparison. 

One solution is what we might call and “internal shift.” Ask yourself and your partner: what is the difference between stepchild behaviors that are annoying and those that are dire? Are you stuck in a dynamic where he’s permissive, you criticize, and he becomes defensive of his kids, causing you to ratchet up your criticism even more, so that he’s the defender and you’re “wicked”? Is there a way to instead appreciate and even enjoy the fact that you don’t need to fix your stepchild’s sense that the world owes her? Or his inability to hold down a job? That his or her bad attitude is someone else’s problem? What would it be like to “witness” rather than live or experience viscerally your observations that a stepchild has problems? Your partner may well find this conversation as freeing as you do: he or she may be constantly laboring under the anxiety that you disapprove of his/her parenting and his/her kids. Even if you do, suggesting that you as a couple come up with a way for you to disengage, and actually mapping it out together, could be a game-changer for your marriage or partnership. 

Tomorrow….actual steps you can take to make life with your stepkids of any age easier, alleviate your resentment, and improve your partnership (boy, that sounds easy!) (it’s not, but tomorrow’s steps can really help, promise) 

Tags: blended family, divorce, family, remarriage with children, step mother, stepfamily, stepfamily advice, stepmonster, stepmother, stepmother advice, stepmother support, wednesday martin 

This entry was posted on Monday, March 8th, 2010 at 11:25 am and is filed under book news. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.