I’m reading the fabulous book Stepmonster right now and I want to beat myself for not reading it before. You see, before Christmas, things were as tough as they had always been in this stepfamily and with my man and I went online and bought 3 stepfamily books. Most of them were interesting but explained stuff like how difficult it was for his child etc. Things I already knew since I was, myself, a stepchild many years ago. I got that. I know how he feels, at least I can relate… we can never really know exactly how someone feels.

But this book! Wow! It is as if she met me, got me to really express how I felt and then wrote about it. Finally someone understood. I was sitting with my parents the other day, trying to explain why I simply wanted to quit and leave. I talked about how Toxic Bio Mom behaved and infiltrated our lives. They listen but did not get outraged. Then I talked about the tension it creates in our home. How I stress and get anxious every day when my man gets home from work. I wonder what else she has in store for us. What will now be changed in our schedule, who’s birthday we can’t go to because she has something else she wants to do. When there is nothing, I breathe a sigh of relief but when there is something, I freak out. I yell, I cry, I want to roll on the floor and throw a tantrum and yell: this is just not fair!

Supper time is the worst when his son is there. Everybody sits and pretends to be a family when it is clear there are two clans in this house. Whatever my daughter does bugs the hell out of my man and everything his son does just gets on my nerves. And then, comes the bomb. A sentence, seemingly innocent, that brings Toxic Bio Mom back into our live. “Daddy, what did you do with mommy today at work”, “Mommy cuts my sandwiches in little parts when she makes a sandwich” etc. All normal stuff. His son wants to make sure we don’t forget his mom. After 7 years of divorce, after his mom remarried and had another child, there is still that hope that his parents will get back together. He won’t actually say it this way but it’s clear. And then comes my showtime. When he ends his sentence, he looks at me. I feel my man, tense next to me and hold his breath and my daughter stares at me intently. Quick, think. What is the best reaction. What do I say, do? Do I smile, do I pretend I didn’t hear it? Am I making a face right now? Are my eyes showing how hurt I am?

IT IS JUST TOO STRESSFUL. My mother’s solution: why don’t you just ignore it. What do you think I am trying to do? She thinks that if I have more hobbies and stuff to do on my own it will get easier. And what? I live in this house, babysit the kids, do the laudry and pick up after them and when they are in bed, I throw myself into work or hobbies? Euhh… isn’t there the word FAMILY in stepfamily? If what I got is a living partner that helps pay the bills, then why would I have to take care of a FAMILY?

We split up. I was ready to move out. I still am in a way. I just can’t take this life anymore. It is litterally killing me. My man’s solution: let’s go back to the beginning. Exactly what my mother says. We go back to being super busy. He goes back to doing everything his ex tells him to and I do things on my own. Then, I guess we will appreciate the time we will spend together, since there will be so little of it. But… where is the family in all this? Where is my support? I just don’t know if it will work. I have so much work to do on myself that I just don’t see how I can say no to this solution. I want to distance myself from Toxic Bio Mom and even from my stepson. I even want distance from my man. I wish I had enough money to go away for a week, a month even. Let them see how much they miss me and need me… or not…

I feel alone… so alone…