Archive for January 9th, 2010

Life is very strange. It has a way of making you wonder. Wonder exactly what all this is about. You wake up every day, you work, you clean, you take care of other people and then what? I’m sitting here wondering why we do all this? Everything else you do in life has a goal, an end of some sort. We have children and teach them to be autonomous, then we look forward to seeing them as adults, then as parents and us as grand-parents. We work to pay for things and eventually to be able to enjoy retirement.

But what about life itself? We live it so that in the end… we die? It’s not something we are technically supposed to look foward to. It is not something that drives us. It’s not a goal to achieve. When I clean my house, I can look forward to a clean house. If I’m working on an assignment at work, I can look forward to completing it, to handing it in and getting feedback or something happen as a consequence of it being finished. When I study for an exam, I can look forward to receiving my grade, or look forward to it being over. But that’s not true of life. I don’t look forward to it being over… but what do I have to look forward to.

Some may believe in reincarnation or some kind of paradise after life. I’ve long lost this faith or hope or whatever you may call it. I believe, very rationally that it all ends when we die. That nothing else happens. That it’s just simply over. Like turning off a computer or a television screen. Except it will never turn on again. So I’m trying to see what can motivate someone to continue going on with life. Don’t worry, I don’t mean this in a dramatic sense. I’m just a little at a loss in my life.

The things I looked forward to has a little girl have long past. I’m an adult, I’m independent. As a teenager I longed to be free to do what I wanted… it hasn’t really happen but it’s close enough. Then I looked forward to finishing my degreee, then to having a child and a husband…. I had the child… not the husband. So I longed for a family. But it seems that I have once again placed myself in a situation where it won’t be possible. So you go on… but if I have nothing to look forward to but death when I’m an old woman… ouch… it sounds like such a long time.

I’m 31 years old but I feel 75. Yet 75 is 39 years away!!! What do I do until then. What can I look forward to if a family and a wedding is impossible? 25 more years of work at a job I find uninteresting and tedious? 39 more years of cleaning the house? 39 more years of doing groceries? 39 more years of watching time go by so slowly…

I know some very happy people will tell me that it’s the time until you die that matters. That just living is the thing to look forward to. I must be defective somehow. I look forward to passion, to deep true love, to excitment, to nights spent with friends and family laughing my butt off, to a house full of happy children, to a man who loves me more than anything…

I you can’t get that… I guess it can be exciting to find out just how much taxes you’ll pay this year….