Yep, I’m already there. I’ve been wondering why, every year, the holidays are so intense.

Is it because we have to split ourselves up to be able to please everyone? Is it because we have to fake being happy to see others? Why do we have holidays.

Way back when, it used to be about religion. This turned into the commercial view of Christmas, with the gifts and everything. It the time of year where you are guilted into going places you don’t really feel like going. Isn’t it supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. The happy times?

Since I became a mom, Christmas has become an obligation to make it the happiest possible for children. But what do I remember of Christmas as a child? I barely remember the gifts. I barely remember the food. I mostly remember how happy people looked. My daughter does not have that to look back on, or does she? In the end, whether I’m happy or not may not be the point. I won’t be able to be happy at Christmas, will she really notice? I doubt it. I doubt that my mom and dad were really, truly happy at Christmas. They were fighting before their divorce and after, they were sad because one of them did not get to see  us at Christmas. So, truly, does it really matter.

I don’t know what I want for my daughter for Christmas this year. I decided to be myself and respect myself. I don’t want to have a happy Christmas this year. I don’t want to fake it for anyone. It’s not a happy time for me. My relationship is on the rocks and we are not able to compromise to be able to spend it together. So, if I fake it, what am I truly teaching my daughter? That Christmas is hypocrite day? It’s the day where you prentend to be happy? Where you can truly test who loves you by seeing who shows up?

I don’t know what she’ll remember about Christmas when she grows up. I don’t know if my choices will affect her forever. I just know I want her to be honest and respect herself…