Archive for October, 2009

Here is an article from a really neat website. I thought it made a lot of sense and figured I would share… maybe I should try and go to bed earlier… but it’s so tough… and I’m not a morning person…

I’ve written before about my resolution to Get more sleep, and I’m bringing it up again, because I’m truly convinced that this is one of the first aspects of life to tackle when you start a happiness project.

It’s easy to become accustomed to being sleep-deprived, but it’s not good for you. Many researchers argue that not getting enough sleep has broad health consequences, such as raising your risk for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and even obesity, but in addition to those, it has a profound effect on your happiness.

One study showed that a bad night’s sleep was one of the top two reasons for being in a bad mood at work (the other? Tight work deadlines). Another study suggested that getting one extra hour of sleep each night would do more for your daily happiness than getting a $60,000 raise.

But here’s another reason why I think sleep matters so much for happiness: exhaustion makes the mornings tougher.

Read more at: http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2009/10/a-fundamental-secret-to-happiness-get-enough-sleep.html

Today is Halloween and our family has a very complicated way of celebrating it. Although this morning is pretty relaxing, this evening will be running around.

I’m looking forward to spending some time with the kids but it’s a little weird, a little different. I’m used to doing everything on my own and now, it looks a lot more like a family. It’s really too bad that the weather is not so great because, even though some of the elements of this evening are stressig me out (like having to go to stepson’s mom’s house for a little while so she can be part of his Halloween), I’m just happy that I get to share this moment with someone else.

I feel like we are building a new tradition. We are creating memories. I’m so happy for my daughter because that’s what I want most for her, memories that will remain, memories she can look back to when she is an adult. A real childhood!

Sorry for all the typos, I did not create that. The English teacher in me is not happy…

Right now, my hamster is spinning on what it means to be the one and if I am it. Are we destined to be with one person that will fulfill our lives? If we have met that person, can we love again. I know that I have never loved anyone as much as I love my boyfriend. It is a real relationship. On that is built on trust, dialogue and I feel like we are respectful of each other. Is it the same for him though? It makes me freak out to think that I might not be the one for him.

Does he spend time thinking of how life would have been with his ex or another ex? Does he regret the fact that his relationships from the past have ended? I sure don’t!!! No one has ever treated me as good as he treats me. No one has made me want to be a better person the way he does every single day. Why all these questions about his reasons then? Because I feel insecure right now. It’s impossible for me to imagine my life without him. This is a relationship. This is how love should be… so what if it’s not the same for him?

Just a quick rant. I’m sitting here, writing on this blog and trying to figure out how I’m going to get out of this depression and all I can think about is this stupid doctor’s appointment! The school board has asked me to meet with THEIR doctor to confirm that I have depression and I am unable to work. What does that mean exactly? Why do I feel like I have to prove that I am sick. Do we ask people with cancer to bring in bloodtests and see another doctor to prove they are sick??? No! We give them sympathy. I know this is probably all part of procedures, that the school board has to do it for the insurance company… but I still resent it. I will be stressed about it for days! Yet when I try to get help… I was just on this website that had a search engine for resources in my area. You know what came back? “There are no matches meeting your criteria”. That was helpful… alright, done with my little discouraged mnoment. Back to my couch.

Friday nights have always been difficult for me. As a child, that was the night where my  mom and dad exchanged us. My brother and me would pack our bags and go over to our dad’s or our mom’s. It was the worst. I would unpack my bags and try to feel at home. It was so difficult.

Now, as a stepmother, I relive those moments. It’s not easy. My stepson arrives and I feel these emotions come creeping back. I want his experience to be different than mine. I want him to arrive and feel at home. My dad would often leave on Friday nights with my brother and leave me alone at home to settle in.  I felt so abandoned and I don’t want any child to feel this way.

It’s a very difficult moment for me because I feel conflicted between wanting him to feel welcome and feeling a little like he is forcing me to have to unpack my belongings again. Like I have to make that switch myself and try to feel at home once again. I am brought back to those childhood and teenage years. I fear the abandonment of my boyfriend if his son arrives and then I feel like a horrible person for thinking that of child.

It is, however, getting easier every Friday. Today, I’m actually looking foward to him arriving tonight. I’m looking foward to going Trick or Treating with him, my daughter and my boyfriend. I’m looking foward to family life for the week because the last week he was here, it was great.

Ah… being a stepmom is not always easy!

I’m not quite sure if the name of this blog is meant to be sarcastic or optimistic. My life is pretty much a mess. I have to fill in so many shoes that I can barely walk. I have recently been diagnosed with depression and I am trying to figure out what that means exactly. I’ve been reading books and surfing the web and there is so much information out there that it is very difficult to figure out what it means to have depression. It is considered an illness but feels more like a failure of character.

The most difficult part so far is dealing with other people’s impression of me. Many see me as this lazy person who sleeps all day and just doesn’t have the backbone to just get up and go to work. I have been home for the last month and they are right, sleeping has been my main activity. What they don’t get is that I don’t like being this way. I don’t see how anybody would. I think everybody wants to feel useful and how can someone feels useful when they spend their days sleeping and crying.

The problem with all of this, is that I don’t feel the support and I need it to get out this. This is my support. I’ve decided to share my thoughts and hope that someone out there will hear me and that through sharing I will feel better. I need to do something. I need to figure out my life, so that this state I am in will not become part of who I am indefinetely. I need to learn to manage my emotions, express myself properly and think of myself, not just others.

I don’t how I’ll do all this. It is still not clear in my mind. But writing is helping already.