A Fascinating Life

Here is an article written by an orthopedic doctor about the importance of family. This has been my reflection these last few days and I will write more about this. I have a hard time figuring out what family means these days. I do, however, strongly agree with this doctor about the importance of having a family and that having a successful family means more that having lots of money or recognition of any kind!

On the road to happiness, don’t forget the family

http://www.orthosupersite.com/view.asp?rID=60605

The security of being connected to, and loved by one’s family, cannot be attained through achievement or the accumulation of possessions.

By John D. Kelly IV, MD
ORTHOPEDICS TODAY 2010; 30:22

Picture this: you have mastered your craft, are an accomplished surgeon, have accumulated countless awards, and they are about to name a wing after you at the hospital. You make a lot of money and drive a Ferrari. There is only one problem … you are on your third marriage and two of your five children haven’t called you in months.

Is this the “script” you have envisioned for your life? Are you really happy?

Spiritual security

Truth is, it is difficult, if not impossible, to have any real measure of happiness and fulfillment without a loving support system — and there is no greater source of love than our families.

Many hardworking professionals are afflicted with the demons of workaholism: the allure of achievement can be intoxicating and ultimately workaholics become estranged from their loved ones. They work harder and harder to ease the pain of insecurity or to earn their worth. Ultimately, they find themselves alone and even more distressed. They become even more driven to dampen the pain and become engaged in a downward spiral of unhappiness.

John D. Kelly IV

For one to successfully embrace the stressors of a career in orthopedic surgery, a rich family life is essential. In the words of Morrie Schwartz from Tuesdays with Morrie, our families are our true “spiritual security.” They can be our anchors during the rough weather of work demands.

We enter and leave this world as part of a family. The extent to which we value family life will largely determine the quality of our lives. When we are old and near the end of life, will our families be there for us? The answer depends on us.

Great family cultures just do not happen; they result from a conscious decision to value family life. If we truly value our families, we will sow the seeds of a rich family culture during our lifetimes. When we decide to prioritize and extend love to our families, we will be blessed in return by a lifetime of steadfast support system.

With increasing work demands, the quality of family life suffers. In an effort to become “good providers” many well-intentioned orthopedic surgeons have simply neglected their spouses and children. This decision is shortsighted. It is truly difficult to attain any measure of real happiness when one is estranged from his or her family. In a previous column, I discussed the importance of marriage and how investing in marriage is the single most effective decision one can make toward lasting peace. The extent we prioritize marriage largely defines our happiness. The foundation of any good family is a great marriage.

The demands of orthopedic surgery can be overwhelming and our families are often the “collateral damage.” Most of us see ourselves as providers for the family and we push ourselves harder to maintain our standard of living. We must be continually developing an awareness of what we are doing (or not) to our families. If we neglect our loved ones, in time we will grow apart from them.

Truly productive workers give to others from their abundance. Likewise, a rich family life fuels success and is not an obstacle to it. Devotion and attention to family unity promotes achievement.

Unconditional love

When our batteries are charged with the security of a close, loving family, we can meet the world’s obstacles with the spiritual security and confidence that knowing we are loved can only bring. Our family nourishes our souls with what every human craves — unconditional love They provide us with a security that worldly acclaim cannot provide. They will be the ones at our bedside in our final days and they will be with us during the lawsuits, the infections and the other practice woes.

Children observe everything we do — and our actions speak louder than words. We simply cannot say “I love you,” yet appear emotionally distant or make no attempt to attend important events in our children’s lives. I am convinced that children want little more than our presence. You may think the paper you write, the award you receive or the position you attain will be your mark on the world — hardly. Your children are your real marks on the world. They reflect your values and can make substantial contributions to the world in a life of service.

Compare, the satisfaction you may receive from a “top-doc” recognition to the peace you may feel from knowing that your teenage daughter is certain you love her and that you are truly significant in her life. What joy compares to knowing that your family looks forward to you coming home. The security of feeling connection and love from family cannot be attained with achievement or possessions. The love of a spouse and children will enable to you to fulfill your dreams and give to others like no other force in the Universe. With a soul filled with the love of a family, you will want to give more to your patients, students and science.

Suggestions

• Write a script of what you want your spouse and children to say about you to others. How aligned are you to this vision?
• Create family traditions that are ironclad. Really go overboard with birthdays. Remind your children that their births were truly landmark events in your life.
• Schedule important family events into your schedule and let your secretary know that these events are, with rare exception, non-negotiable.
• Prioritize the family dinner. Data indicate that family meals help protect children against the allure of substance abuse.
• Treasure one-on-one time with children. Take one child to a conference. Every day ask each child, “How was your day?” Then simply give them space and be silent for a few seconds. Your loving presence will, in time, encourage openness and intimacy.

If it means making a little less this year to be more present to your families, do it! Your family’s standard of living is determined not by what you earn, but by what you give.

Remember, nobody on a death bed wished he or she worked more, and you don’t see U-Hauls following hearses. We want more than anything to be remembered as a good parent and a good spouse. Sow the seeds of a rich family culture, now. Your life and career depend on it.

For more information:

• John D. Kelly IV, MD, can be reached at University of Pennsylvania, Dept. of Sports Medicine 235 S 33rd St., Philadelphia, Pa. 19104-6322; 215-615-4400; e-mail: johndkellyiv@aol.com.

I am reading this book Having kids or not? (the book is in French) and I find it very interesting. It talks about all the issues to look at when deciding to have a child or not and what motivates people to choose one way or the other. I have a child already and I also have a stepchild. I always figured that when I met someone, we would have a child of our own. I wanted my daugther to grow up with sibblings. My boyfriend does not want children. Some of his reasons are legitimate, others I disagree with. But nevertheless, if he is not on board, I won’t have a child. There is not way I will have a child with someone who doesn’t want one. I made that mistake once and it has impacted my daughter very much.

What fascinates me is that the argument that comes up the most for not having kids is because of money. We want to be able to give everything to that one child that we have. But is that really a reason not to have children? Protecting your child from ever feeling like you love another child, that he or she needs to share your attention? Being able to afford trips at Disneyland at 3 and any activities that child wants? I have a problem with that… Here is an excerpt from the book that I strongly agree with. The parents who spoke these words have 10 children. Yes, I said 10. I don’t think I could have 10 children but, they didn’t stop to think about money or being able to offer their one kid the best life possible. They offered a family.I have translated it myself…

We discovered the joy of having children; it is a joy that is very simple, said Hélène. When you have your first or second child, because you are unexperienced, you don’t actually experience this pleasure. You are contronted with stress and simply went through this chore. As if young children are a chore! Some couples want their kids to be close in age so that they can get over it faster. This “chore” does not last very long. The joy of having children, is having children! Not to have adults as fast as possible! It’s a continual discovery. A large family is a school of life, a school of character: it develops sharing. Often we are 13 in a house that traditional families share with just 4. There are things that can’t be explained, things you just can’t justify. I’m not saying the raise themselves, but our children think of others every single day. We find that in general, today, children are very blasé. When you have done everything at 10 years old, there is no more magic. The enchantment dissapears. Children always want more.

For us, family is not just a question of food. There is the spiritual aspect, values to be taught, education to be dispensed. The problem is not if you can afford children, it’s to measure the impact of desires, of being able to distinguish between real needs and wants. Between what you really want and what is futile. When you don’t have a lot of money, you take a close look at these things: that’s healthy! It puts things in perspective. When you have only one child, these questions just don’t exist. 

Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in a very small castle with her family: her father, the King, her mother, the Queen, and her little prince brother. Their kingdom was not a very big one and the King had to go to work to pay for the castle. While he worked, the Queen took care of both of her children and life was pretty uneventful.

The little princess longed for the attention of her father, but the King was more occupied withhis son the prince. Father and son spent lots of time together, and it was clear that the little prince was more valuable to the King. After all, he would become the next king.

Years flew by and the little princess longed for another kind of life. The King and Queen had begun to fight every single night and soon, the princess had to move to a different castle. She visited the King, but once more, it was clear that her father was more interested with his son the Prince. So, she longed for a prince of her own. Since her family was so dysfunctional, she longed for her own family, full of little princesses and little princes.

Very soon her father introduced her to various evil stepmothers, most of which detested the little princess and made her feel unwelcomed in her own castle. He mother the Queen started dating a knight who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. But even then, it was not enough for the princess to feel like she had a family. She still longed for the day her prince charming would come and sweep her off her feet.

And that moment came when she became an adult. Her prince came and made her heart flutter. She fell madly in love and imagined the great life she had ahead of her. Unfortunately, it was only after the birth of her very first child that she realised she had been deceived. Her prince was not a prince after all, but an evil sorcerer who had disguised himself as a prince.

The princess fled, taking her little princess with her. Thanks to the protection of her fairy godmothers, the evil sorcerer never bothered them again. She nevertheless hid in a little cabin in the forest and worked hard every single day. Gone were the days of dreaming of being a swept off her feet. Gone were the dreams of weddings, a castle full of children and dancing every night with her prince charming. She tended to her garden in order to feed her child, chopped wood and played with her daughter. Life was simple and safe.

But one day she met a knight of her own. He was as kind and as sweet as the man her mother the Queen had met. He too had seen his fairy tale end in a very horrible way. The princess he thought he had married turned out to be an awful witch who only wanted to turn him into one of her slaves. Because he was so strong and courageous, and because he had a pure heart, she did not succeed. He managed to escape but had to make a deal with her. He would give her part of his soul and part of his heart if he was allowed to see his son and be part of his life. The witch accepted the deal and the knight lost that part of his heart and soul forever.

The knight fell in love with the princess, but because of his missing heart part, he would not let himself go to passion. The princess had a brief moment of hope that her fairy tale could come true. That she could be married and have children and have the dream life she so longed for all those years ago. When she saw that the knight could not give her what she wanted, she decided to stay with him anyhow. She decided to build a life with him and figured they could protect and help each other.

The princess worked hard at creating a family, only it had another name now. It was called a stepfamily. Living under the constant threat of the evil witch was not easy, but the strength she had developed and the resilience that came from inside her was enough to survive anything. The knight loved her and she loved him back. They settled in a bigger house in the woods and raised their children together. It was a simple life really, but a good one. But sometimes, when the princess was sleeping, she would dream of giving a big ball in her castle, surrounded by tons of little happy children, and a smiling husband who would kiss the hand where he had placed a shining diamond.

I’m trying to see the good side of life. I’m trying to see that life is worthwhile. That I’m a lucky person because I’m breathing, I have enough to eat and drink and I have people around me who love me.

What is most difficult is to let go of illusions. Accepting life the way it is. Accepting that your life is not so bad. Appreciate what you have and not long for what you don’t have.

Like they say: when you are handed lemons, make lemonade.

I just hope that we get used to the bitter taste of lemonade made with just water and lemons… cause without sugar…

My parents divorced when I was 10 years old. I am still today affected by this and I believe that I will always be. I don’t blame my parents for getting divorced. I was much better for me to live in two different households that to live with parents who disrespected each other and fought all the time. I do however, blame my dad for his attitude towards me in the whole thing.

My dad has always seemed more at ease with my brother. It was as if he did not know what to do with a girl. But that was not excuse for the way he made me feel left out. I felt, all my life, that I was not good enough for him. No matter what my choices were, they would be wrong. His harsh words resonate in my head every single day. He not only made me feel unworthy, he told me so. He was never interested in what I was doing and his dissapointment in me goes even beyond my attitude, my life choices… he even thinks I’m not good looking enough. My dad has always said that he dreamed of the day I would be older, a tall blond girl that he could walk next to and have people think was his girlfriend. Well, turns out I’m short with brown hair. I’m not ugly but I’m not the babe he was looking for.

Right now, I am working out those feelings. I have to let go of all that anger and resentment towards him. I need to let his words leave my head. I don’t know how I will accomplish this but I’m working that out. I think it is the first step for me to hopefully be happy one day!

I’m about to leave for my second therapy session. I have tried many therapists before and nothing has ever worked for me. But after spending months at home trying to figure out what is wrong with me, how I’m functionning, I think I finally have a better idea of what I need to work on. Before, going to a therapists was just a really expensive way to vent my frustrations. I could have done that with friends or family for free! Now I see that it can be different.

There are many different types of therapy as well, which I didn’t know about. I have read a little about that and found the type of therapy that I felt the most at ease with. I don’t know that this will actually make a difference, but at least this time I feel like I took control of my therapy, that I’m not just waiting for a miracle to happen.

Here are the different types of therapies I have read about… if it can help anyone out there

http://mcgraw-hill.co.uk/openup/approach/

I had already read this list of rules and it had made me think the very same thing as this author. The need, for a stepmother, to feel like she is consulted, and not have things imposed on her. The importance of her marriage or couple, before anything else so that the family has a chance of surviving. If only my man and his ex could read this and get it. And maybe even apply some of what is said here! Ouf!

I recently read an interesting post about a stepmother’s bill or rights on Becoming a Stepmom. Apparently there have been some interesting discussions floating around on the net about whether or not it is dangerous to stepfamilies. Below is one version of the bill of rights and my perspective on each.

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

I agree with this one and don’t think it’s unreasonable for a married woman to want to be part of the decision-making process in her marriage and family at all times. I thought that’s how a married couple was supposed to operate. I think some people have a problem with this particular “right” because they assume that stepmothers mean that they should be involved in picking the school, doctor, dentist, religion, etc.for their stepchild. This is not what this “right” is saying. Stepmothers aren’t demanding control here, they are asking to be included on the decisions that directly affect them and their marriage as a whole and their husbands should include them on matters that will affect their marriage and family.

2. People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

Similar to the one above, this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Again, stepmothers aren’t asking to be included on choosing schools, dentists, doctors or signing their stepchildren up for extra curricular activities. I think all this falls under the heading of “common sense.” We know that we don’t need to be consulted on those types of things and don’t expect to be, IF the decisions don’t affect us. It’s when you sign them up and then notify the stepmother that she is the one who will be taking him every week that’s the problem. You can’t make plans for someone else’s life. My biological parents were married nearly 30 years before my dad passed away and neither of them ever signed us up for activities and then told the other (without checking their schedules) that he or she would be the one taking him. It’s called common courtesy and isn’t unreasonable to expect, even for a stepmother.

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

This is another one that I find very difficult to understand why certain people don’t get it. Some have said that stepmothers should just accept that they won’t be involved in discipline because it should be left up to mom and dad and/or the children just won’t accept it.  Personally, I don’t think CHILDREN should have a say in this matter. If you do something wrong and you’re in the care of an adult, that adult should have the right to discipline you. If the children are with grandma, do you tell her that she can’t discipline them when they misbehave? What about at school? When they do something wrong at school, do you expect the school not to implement some form of discipline because it should be left up to the biological parents? If your answer to either of those questions is no, then tell me, why should that be any different for stepmom? If the children are under her supervision, she should be allowed to set agreed upon limits for and discipline them. The fact that the kids won’t always listen has nothing to do with my right, as an adult, to impart discipline on them. Heck, sometimes my biological kid doesn’t listen and/or readily accept discipline, but that doesn’t stop me from disciplining him.

4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

This one all depends on the circumstances. Dad has an obligation to care for his children and stepmom cannot and should not dictate if his children can come live in his home or not, UNLESS that child has been violent towards her or any other children in the home. At that point, the stepmother should definitely be consulted and part of the reunification process as well.

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
This one I can agree with!

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

I think this is another one that is often misinterpreted. Stepmothers aren’t telling their husbands not to pay child support. We know that there are agreements that were made and must be adhered to, before we came along. Not to mention that a father should take care of his children, no matter where they reside and I wouldn’t expect anything less from my husband. However, there are times when ex-wives often want above and beyond what has been court ordered, and if it falls outside of the court-ordered amount which has already been budgeted and agreed upon, then yes, husband should consult with stepmom (his wife). As an ex, there have been times when I’ve called my ex and expressed that I needed some extra money for our son and I never got offended when he said he had to talk it over with his wife first to see what and/or if they could afford it. I think it is a fantasy for ex-wives to assume that they will forever be the ONLY partner in these types of decisions that involve their children once their ex-spouse remarries.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

I agree with this one. It all falls under the issue of respect, but kids, whether biological or step, don’t always listen and follow rules. It has nothing to do with them being your stepchildren and everything to do with them just being children.

8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.

This one is another one that is often misinterpreted. It has nothing to do with instantly feeling like family and more to do with some of the points mentioned above; such as consulting stepmoms on certain decision, allowing them to be involved in discipline when the children are in their care and so on.  Not doing those things is what makes stepmoms feel like outsiders. It’s not the fact that their husband’s kids prefer them and go to him with or ask him everything. Again, growing up in my biological family, I sometimes had a preference for one parent over the other, and they were both my biological parents. Personally, I’ve never felt like an outsider in my home. I actually enjoy the times that both my bio son and stepson prefer to be with my husband. It is at those times that I get a the opportunity to have some “me” time. I think most stepmothers feel like outsiders for other reasons.

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

I totally agree with this one! Respect is one of our household rules.

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

This one makes me want to pull my hair out because people don’t get it. I’ve heard everything from, “children are a priority too” or “you can’t neglect the kids” or “isn’t that selfish?” I’m a little taken aback with people always telling stepmothers what they already know. We know that kids are a priority too! We know that it’s not the marriage or the kids, it’s marriage and kids. We don’t neglect our children just because we expect our marriage to be a priority. A marriage will not last unless it’s the first priority. The husband and wife are the pillars of the family. They are responsible for setting the foundation for how the family will run. If they don’t blend and aren’t on the same page, then the family won’t make it, be it biological or step. If they aren’t happy in their partnership and as a couple, then the family won’t be happy as a whole.  And again, it doesn’t matter if the family is biological or step.

Making your marriage a priority means that you realize that your spouse is your life partner. Make time for him or her instead of always focusing on the drama with your past marriage. Include him or her in decisions that will directly affect him or you. There shouldn’t always be a battle between your kids and/or your ex-spouse and your spouse. I always say that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner and should always be treated as such. This is what stepmoms mean by not wanting to feel like outsiders in their home and wanting their marriages to be a priority.  These are common sense things that should apply to any marriage. It doesn’t mean that stepmoms are victims, they want their husbands to just do away with all their responsibilities as fathers or they desire some unreasonable amount of control. It means that stepmoms desire to be treated like wives and life partners. Personally, I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com/wordpress/index.php/2731

I found this bill of rights for stepmothers on the following website: http://becomingastepmom.wordpress.com/2010/01/22/a-revised-stepmoms-bill-of-rights/

So,here are some things I will try to achieve… not sure how, but I’ll sure try. If I cannot be a mother the way I want to be or a family I long to have, then I’ll at least work with what I have and be the best I can be….

• I will create a rock-solid marriage with my husband so we both feel confident in our commitment to each other and the family. I vow to always make fun together a priority.
• I have the right to be on the parenting team with my husband but I realize that this takes time to develop.
• I understand that stepfamilies are formed out of loss and that the people I’m living with are carrying wounds that will affect them forever.
• I will congratulate myself every day on a job well done. Even on days when I’ve done or said things I’m not proud of, I will be gentle and kind with myself because I am a brave, courageous woman.
• I will work to feel confident and worthy of love.
• I will not look to my stepchildren for validation or self-worth.
• I will protect my heart with healthy boundaries that help me to be a more loving and present wife, stepmother, and human being even if that means making difficult choices.
• I will forgive my husband, the exes in our lives, my stepchildren, and myself for our human-ness.
• I will try to understand what living in our home is like for every member of our family.
• I will create a sanctuary for myself and make self-care a priority so I can recharge my batteries.
• I will choose my battles.
• I understand that control does not equal respect or love.
• I realize that I don’t have any control over what the ex or the ex-in-laws or the kids think or do. The only person I have control over is me.
• I will ask for what I need instead of making people guess what I need to prove their love for me.
• I will find the gifts in being the outsider in a family that formed before I came along.
• I will focus on building relationships instead of on who is right and who is wrong.
• I will take breaks when I’m angry so I can be calm when I discuss issues that affect me but I have little control over.
• I will hold on to the things that remind me of who I am.
• I will plan things to look forward to with my husband and with my family.
• I will remind myself often of the many reasons I decided to be with my husband.
• I will choose hope.
• I will choose love.

Alrighty, I gues I’m not the only one who does’nt really know what happiness is. I’m not the type of person who considers herself happy because I get to sleep late or because of a cup of coffee. That may be the wrong thing to think, but I believe there are bigger things that would make me happy. I like what the woman says, that it the pursuit of happiness makes her tired. I’m tired!

I have just finished reading this interesting article on the following website. This is something that I deal with intensely at the moment: grieving the loss of my idea of the perfect little nuclear family. With my man’s decision not to get married or have children, I am at a loss as to what sort of family I really have. I am raising two children. One of them is not my own. Yet I take care and care for him. My own child is not my man’s child and he does the same. But the bond is so different. It is very difficult to identify if this is a family because of all the preconceived ideas I have about what it means to be a family.

Being myself a child of divorce, I should be able to recognize that there are different types of families. Yet, what I always longed for is the typical nuclear family that I never had. Accepting that this is not the family I will have is a difficult process.

http://www.thestepstop.com/2010/01/stepfamilies-are-different.html